When she finally craved something special—stuffed shells from a local Italian place—and decided to protect her small joy, it sparked an immediate clash. His dismissive attitude and refusal to respect her need for personal space exposed a deeper struggle between her past sacrifices and the present demand for her own autonomy.
I (24F) grew up with 2 sisters so of course I was constantly forced to share everything especially food with them. My husband (27M) was an only child.
We live with his mom for the moment and what bothers me the most every time I bring home fast food or any other food for myself or the both of us, he offers it to his mother. I wouldn’t have an issue picking up something for her as well but when he goes and offers something I bought for myself that I was excited to eat it irks me a little bit.
Well recently I was really craving Italian food. Stuffed shells to be exact. My husband and I agreed to go pick up something from the local Italian place and bring it home to eat. Well we get home and he instantly offers his mother some of our food but this time I protested and said she can have some of his dish because I wanted mine for myself.
He immediately got an attitude with me and said I wasn’t going to eat it all (the dish only had two large stuffed shells??) and told me I was being stingy. His mom I guess kinda read the room and said she would just have some of his.
He then doubles down and basically tells her to take the other shell from my plate and puts it on her plate for her. This is was really irritated me because I then ended up still hungry after because half my dinner was given to his mom.
He offered some of his to me but he KNEW I didn’t like what I got.
Conclusion
The original poster is clearly struggling with a conflict between her deeply ingrained habit of sharing, stemming from her upbringing, and the very different expectation set by her husband regarding personal property, specifically food. The core issue revolves around the husband overriding the poster’s autonomy over a meal she specifically purchased for herself, leading to feelings of being disregarded and left hungry.
The debate centers on whether the poster was justified in protecting her limited portion of food against her mother-in-law’s expectation, or if her refusal to share, labeled as “stinginess” by her husband, violated the expected generosity within a shared living arrangement. Where does the boundary for personal food consumption lie when living with extended family?
Here’s how people reacted:
What he did is super gross and not fair to either of you.
Does he give her other things of yours? Mostly just the food? Would his mom order the same things as you if given a choice?
…Do you ever feel at other times like he is monitoring your caloric intake?
It feels weird and gross to me on a couple of levels, firstly that what is yours is NOT his to divvy up. Secondly that it is a control mechanism involving food; which is often part of a larger pattern of negging or weight control or general intimidation.
All of this is exponentially increased by the fact that he took the food right off your plate.
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My sister was with a guy for a couple of years. Didn’t really get to know him; he was often off doing his own thing.
He was genial, but not really a forthcoming sort. A little on the slouchy side of stocky, with the kind of well groomed hipster beard that took a lot of time and eight kinds of product. My main impression was that his eyes were always a little colder than his smile, which is never a good sign.
Sis was an adult and said she was happy when I asked, so I respected that.
But the moment I knew something was rotten in Denmark was us sitting around after a rare holiday dinner. I’d brought a few dessert squares from the local bakery, lemon squares, Nanaimo bars, that sort of thing. We cut each of them up into eight little pieces and arranged them petit fours style, so everyone could sample what they wanted. (So like, an inch a side and three quarters of an inch tall?)
After about 40 minutes of small talk, she reached for her third, and I caught his head shake; just a small sharp twist and return, like a tic, but slowly. And his eyes were locked on her face.
Seeing her pull her hand back carefully into her lap made my heart skip a stair, it was so upsetting. (She was also, for the record, much fitter than him, so there was no leg to stand on.)
(Dude was trash, in all the ways, and she is much happier now that she is free of him. )
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Anyway.
Food control is gross, and rarely travels alone.
Please look out for yourself. ❤️
But I don’t understand why you don’t just order a meal for his mom. Avoid the whole scenario. He could get something for his mother but chooses to control what you eat. The fact that he ordered something you don’t like might not be a coincidence. Does he often order something that you don’t like? My late wife used to pull the same trick, and would call me selfish if I didn’t share my (often meager) meal while knowing full well that she wouldn’t have to share hers because she ordered something that I won’t eat.
It sounds like your MIL is not a problem but your husband is. He has control issues. Don’t have any (more?) kids until he has addressed this shortcoming. Good luck.
Also if you say “no” in other areas of your relationship, is that respected? Or is it always him deciding what happens?
You’re NTA, but your husband is and I’d maybe take a step back and look at the pattern of behavior being displayed here.
OP, get with your MIL and order meal delivery for yourselves. Your husband has no respect for either of you. He is the AH.
From the information available, NAH.
Go and have fun , you are so young
He respects his mom more than he loves his wife
I honestly would have left. NTA.