The situation evolved over the years, with the narrator gaining full custody of his son 3.5 years ago due to Marin and James neglecting the child’s basic needs to pressure the narrator for more money. Currently, Marin has limited visitation, and she has a history of failing to pay court-ordered child support. Recently, Marin approached the narrator asking him to purchase school supplies for her two daughters with James, which led to a heated confrontation where the narrator refused, questioning his responsibility to those children. The narrator now wonders if his firm refusal and harsh words were justified.
I (30m) was married to Marin (30f) and we have a son together who’s now 8. When Marin was pregnant I found out she was cheating on me with James (33m). James had a girlfriend who was pregnant at the same time.
When my son was born we needed a DNA test to find out if I was his father or James was. As Marin’s husband I was the legal father and that made it easier when the DNA results showed he was actually mine.
Because she fought to name James his father. Things were toxic. James was there for everything in the later pregnancy and the birth and Marin told me nothing. Her parents were the ones who gave me info on when my son was born so I could file with the courts for a DNA test and custody and our son’s birth was also when our divorce could proceed.
James’ ex ended up giving him custody of their daughter and so they had her full time and my son 50% of the time and a year and a half later they had a daughter together. At this point they have James’ daughter and four children together.
And I won custody of my son 3.5 years ago because in order to force more money out of me, they wouldn’t feed him enough and let him wear dirty old clothes. I only paid child support because I earned more than Marin.
But we had equal parenting time back then. So now Marin sees our son every other weekend.
My son’s in therapy to help him with all the mess he’s witnessed and been a part of in some way in his young life. Marin was also ordered to pay a small amount of child support but she only paid a few times.
She always uses the excuse that she can’t afford it and that might be true. I never push it because I can take care of my son without her.
For the last 2ish years Marin has looked to me to buy extra school supplies and share them among the two school aged kids. So her stepdaughter and first daughter with James. I have always ignored those requests and sent my son with supplies and donated a few to his class as requested.
I have never bought a single thing for the other children in my ex’s household.
Two weeks ago my son had a small surgery and Marin showed up. Marin brought up the school supplies issue and asked me to please be decent about this and get some supplies for her girls because they couldn’t afford them.
She told me they struggle to support the kids they have as it is and their other kids suffer. I tried to move away from her but she followed me to another table. So I told her I don’t care if they can’t afford their other kids.
I told her that her other children are not my responsibility and she needs to figure something else out. I told her she already denied our kid food to try and get money out of me and she lost most of her time with him as a result and my priority was my kid, not the kids she keeps having.
I told her I would not discuss it with her again and I haven’t but she has sent many messages through the co-parenting app the courts have ordered us to use where she calls me an asshole and not a good dad to our kid.
My lawyer knows. He tells me to keep ignoring her. And for those who might wonder, this will not remove her visitation with him. It was difficult enough to get primary custody after her denying our son enough food to try and make me pay more.
Unless my son is older and doesn’t want to see her or CPS removes the other kids nothing will change re visitation.
Knowing all of this AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is currently in a firm position, prioritizing the well-being of his son above all else, especially given his ex-wife’s past history of financial manipulation and neglect toward their child. The central conflict lies between the OP’s clear boundary—that he is financially responsible only for his biological son—and his ex-wife’s persistent attempts to draw him into supporting her current family structure, leading to accusations of being a bad father.
The debate centers on whether the OP was justified in his blunt refusal and sharp comments when asked to financially support his ex-wife’s other children, considering the history of abuse against his son. Should the OP maintain absolute financial separation and ignore the pleas, or does the shared history and the nature of the request warrant a more diplomatic, albeit still non-committal, response to maintain minimal co-parenting civility?
Here’s how people reacted:
Listen to your lawyer. Don’t give her an extra penny. Her lying, cheating, neglectful, manipulative ass has some nerve asking you to “be decent” for a couple of kids who have nothing at all to do with you, one of whom wouldn’t even exist at all apart from her *not* being a decent person and betraying you in the first place.
I feel bad for the kids who suffer because of their selfish, irresponsible parents—my own cheating ex had a daughter with one of her partners while we were still married, and she’s a great kid who certainly didn’t deserve any beef from me. I send her a birthday gift every year because she’s still my kids’ half-sister—but you bear zero responsibility for them. And if what you say about her mother is accurate, it seems like there’s a good chance any money you send along won’t end up getting spent on “school supplies” for those kids anyway.
It’s a shame. Those kids deserve better than their crappy parents. Every kid deserves better than that. But there’s no version of this where they are *your* responsibility in any way, shape, or form. Next time she badgers you for money ask her when she’s gonna finish the backpay on her child support. Specifically mention it in the coparenting app, where it’s recorded and timelogged. That should make her think twice about pushing the issue.
It’s an old saying but very relevant… she made her bed, and now she has to lay in it.
She had that many kids, they made that blended family… its their responsibility to ensure they can actually care for these kids.
There are plenty of things like birth control, termination, adoption, etc… she chose to have this big of a family.
You’re already giving her a pass on the child support, where’s that money going? Can that not be used on school supplies if she’s not actually going to give it to you?
Also, openly start recording her attempt to talk to you. Don’t speak yourself, but record her remarks. Gather evidence for your lawyer.
I would absolutely report her for not paying child support. It is not your fault that she’s too stupid to use condoms or birth control. It isn’t about whether or not you \*need\* the money, it’s the principle of the matter. She tried to deceive the court to steal money from you, the least she can do is pay you what is legally owed.
Keep ignoring it and if you have to get a restraining order as this is harassment.
I don’t understand why they won’t take away all visitation when she was abusing her child. The system is completely fucked.
NTA
Ex is deLuLu