The OP immediately informed his father that they were not considering the deceased woman’s name or anything similar. This refusal caused tension, leading the OP and his wife to distance themselves from his father and half-siblings, whose anger over the decision has remained intense. As the birth approaches, the OP has firmly stated that the naming decision is final and not open for further discussion, leading to increased anger and criticism from his father and half-siblings, making the OP question if he was wrong to be so absolute in his rejection.
Last year my dad lost his wife of 20 years. A few weeks after her death my wife and I learned we were expecting our first child. My dad saw this as a gift from his wife and he and my half siblings (all in their teens) expected me to name my child after her.
Either through the first or the middle name. My dad even argued that we could still use a masculine version of the name if we had a boy.
This was not something I ever intended to do and I told my dad we weren’t looking at her name or any similar names for our child. My dad told me that made no sense given the timing of everything.
My wife and I pulled back from him and my half siblings over this. Their anger over the decision has been strong and my dad has been trying like hell to convince me otherwise. He doesn’t know the sex of the baby but I know the name will bother him.
We decided to honor my late mom in a less direct way by naming our daughter after a flower that was my mom’s favorite. My dad will pick up on it immediately and I know it will bother him that I chose to honor my mom over his wife.
So I decided to come in firmly and make it clear and leave no room for doubt that my wife and I are not choosing his wife’s name or anything connected to her. I told him this is not up for discission or debate anymore and the decision is final.
And that the signs he and my half siblings saw to make it make sense were not shared by me.
In my mind she had three kids so one of them can name a future child after her. But she was not my mother and I was not too fond of her. That’s simply it. Her death changed nothing for me regarding that and she’s not someone I would want to name my child after.
Ever since I came out and spoke clearly I can see the anger in my dad and half siblings has intensified. They haven’t told me directly but they rant about me to other relatives and they have said I’m an insensitive asshole.
My dad even ranted to relatives about the length of time she was in my life vs my mom and how disgusting it is that I wouldn’t honor that. He does not know that we’ve chosen a name that ties to my mom.
This is just him ranting.
But I want to know if people think I’m TA to be so firm about this or for outright rejecting the idea even. AITA?
Conclusion
The core conflict revolves around the OP’s right to autonomy over his child’s name versus his father’s desire to use the naming convention as a tool for grief processing and honoring his late wife’s memory. The OP feels justified in honoring his actual mother instead, even covertly, while his father perceives the OP’s firmness and rejection of his wife’s name as deeply insensitive and disrespectful, especially given the timing of the death and the pregnancy.
The debate centers on whether the OP’s absolute firmness in rejecting the requested name, even with a privately chosen alternative honoring his biological mother, was an overreaction that unnecessarily escalated family conflict, or if the father’s expectation constituted an inappropriate imposition on the OP’s family unit. Should the OP have handled the initial request differently, or was firm denial the only appropriate response to an unreasonable demand?
Here’s how people reacted:
NOBODY but the parents has the right to choose their child’s name. Period. The fact there’s *anger* on the part of your father and half siblings about this is truly sad, when this should be a joyful time for the expectant parents.
Your dad and half-siblings could benefit from some grief counseling. Their demands are inappropriate, and getting their way re naming your child won’t bring your dad’s late wife back, and probably wouldn’t make them feel any better. The poor child isn’t a comfort object, she’s a human being.
Honoring someone who has passed is usually a heartfelt gesture…one you do not feel.
They can want what they want, but they will also need to deal with the disappointment when they don’t get what they want. You were related to her only because your dad married her. A close relationship didn’t evolve., sad but true. You don’t owe her any honors.
The biggest issue that they haven’t seen as yet is that they are jeopardizing their relationship with you and your child.
Holy entitlement, Batman. They are so outside the realm of acceptable or decent human behavior in this situation. Grief is horrible, losing a spouse of 20 years is heartbreaking.
You know what else is heartbreaking? Losing your mother. Whom you clearly loved. Your dad and siblings honestly get absolutely zero say in YOUR child’s name. A child’s name (if a 2-parent household) requires two YESes, and those are from the parents/guardians, not one parent and a grandparent or aunt/uncle.
If I were you I would pull back hard from Dad and step siblings. They don’t have any right to be upset with you even if they are grieving. If your dad wants to meet his grandkid he needs to give you basic respect first.
You should stop worrying about what they think or what they are saying behind your back and focus on your wife and the beautiful family you are building together.
They can be mad all they like. This is no one else’s business or decision except yours and your wife’s. They can look for signs elsewhere. They can name any children they have after her.
NTA
Sounds like the lady that passed was your step mom – In my opinion it’s unreasonable to expect a step child to name a child after a step parent even if she helped raise you
Naming a child after someone is something you do out your own choice rather than an expectation
You are an adult married man with your own wife naming your own child.
Who he as an adult chose to marry and the children he had with her have nothing to do with your life or your child.
You are not the AH here, he and his child are the entitled AH’s
Honestly I would not tell any of them when she goes into labor. I’d be worried they’d show up
NTA best wishes on a safe delivery and healthy baby
NTA
One would assume your ‘not being too fond of her’ is something that’s been known, through actions if not words. In such a case, why on earth would anyone think you’d name your child after her?
Everyone else can f the hell off.
Period.
Clear enough?
You can emphasize that you do not want to deprive one of your half-siblings to name their child after their mother.