But the bond between Rod and his daughter Reina is tangled in pain and misunderstanding. Her teenage rebellion masks a deeper resentment for the father she never truly knew, while Rod carries the silent weight of guilt for the lost moments they never shared. Their family outing becomes a fragile hope for healing in the aftermath of a silent, global storm.
My husband Rod (52m) is legally blind. He is not completely blind, but close. It’s not a genetic issue, but a brain injury that happened when he was a baby. Rod is completely independent, but needs a little bit of help for reading small letters, cooking, typing on a computer, etc.
Rod, in my opinion, is a great father and husband.
My daughter Reina (15f) has always been a little resentful of Rod. Growing up, she didn’t have the “normal” father-daughter experience. Reina has always been into sports, but because of Rod’s incapacity to engage in physical activity that involves cordination, they were never able to bond over that, and Reina never “forgave” Rod for it.
My husband feels especially guilty about this.
Reina is going through her “angsty” teenager fase. She has been acting out, is rude with everyone, especially my husband. Reina likes upsetting Rod and he never defends himself, so he’s the perfect victim.
We were going on our first family outing since the global panini started. To go out, Rod uses this big, chunky glasses that make his eyes look huge, almost like a caricature. My husband is super insecure of his appereance when he uses them and our family knows it.
Our daughter comes downstairs and with the most offended tone of voice she says “Oh my God, dad! Are you trying to embarrass me? Your eyes look horrendous with those glasses on”.
I was pissed. I cancelled the outing and told her to go to her room and to not come out until dinner time.
Reina is big into her appareance. She wears colored, graduated contacts because, ironically, she needs to wear glasses, but she hates to wear them. She isn’t uncomfortable wearing them, or gets any headaches, she just doesn’t like how she looks with glasses on.
As a punishement, Reina will not be allowed to wear contacts for a month.
I told Reina about her punishment and she is tremendously mad at me. She has a party in a week, and since the punishment is for a month, Reina will attend the party with glasses on.
She’s also returning back to in person classes so she will attend school wearing glasses. She says that she will apologize to Rod and will never disrespect him again, but I don’t believe her.
Rod chimmed in and said that maybe the punishement is way to harsh, but I don’t think so. Reina then called me names and locked herself in her bedroom.
Rod says that I’m being way to hard on Reina, and bordering AH territory, which is why I’m here.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) acted decisively to defend her husband against a deeply hurtful comment made by her teenage daughter, Reina. The conflict centers on Reina’s ongoing resentment towards her legally blind father for perceived limitations in their shared activities, culminating in a public, cruel remark about his necessary corrective eyewear. The OP responded by imposing a month-long ban on Reina’s contacts, a punishment that Reina views as excessively harsh, especially with social events pending.
Is the OP justified in imposing a month-long restriction on Reina’s cosmetic contact lenses as a consequence for deliberately attacking her father’s self-esteem regarding his necessary visual aids, or has the OP overstepped by punishing an appearance-related freedom in response to emotional cruelty?
Here’s how people reacted:
You’re still providing her with glasses so she can see. You’re just saying that contact lenses are an extra thing that she’s not required to have. Which is true.
My concern would be that you forcing her to wear glasses would make her self-conscious about wearing glasses. If glasses are a punishment you’re saying that they do make her look worse. And that’s not the message you’re trying to convey obviously.
I don’t think you’re going to scar her for life or anything with this particular punishment. But maybe having to sit down and talk about her father’s feelings over that comment would be more productive.
Edited to add:
If she actually is being this cruel over hurt feelings about not getting the childhood she wanted, then you really do need to talk about that.
Because it’s not fair to her father to be beaten down over something that he cannot possibly help. And part of becoming an adult for her is going to be learning to accept that. Dad didn’t do things in her childhood to hurt her, he did the best that he could with the tools that he personally has. And honestly not playing sports but being a good dad everywhere else, that’s not so bad.
The family might need to hug out some feelings here is all I’m trying to say.
Meanwhile, yes, you can punish her for these cruel outbursts, but I don’t think much of your method of doing so. Medical autonomy and medical devices *should not be on the table as potential punishments*, however poetic you think it might be. And what lesson, exactly, are you trying to impart here? You want her to think of her father as a human being with feelings who isn’t some shameful wretch because of his disability… so you’re forcing her to more closely approximate his disability *as a punishment?* That’s going to laser-focus her resentments back on the eyesight-glasses complex she already has, and back on your poor husband; obviously it’s going to make everything worse.
What I’m reading here is Reina is very insecure about how her eyes look, and uses colored contacts to help cope with that. You’re taking away that coping mechanism as a punishment.
And if she really is insecure about how her eyes/glasses look, I would bet she’s projecting some of that onto Rod. Which certainly doesn’t help along with what you said about sports.
I’m not sure if this is AH territory, but I think this punishment is not helpful for the situation or Reina’s relationship with Rod. NAH, but I think you should maybe think about if Reina is really “big on her appearance” or if something else is going on there.
Reina now gets to be the victim. This will not teach her empathy or compassion. It will just make her resent you and result in an angrier teen. As you said, she is deeply insecure about her appearance and need for glasses. It very much seems that she is projecting that onto her dad. He represents what she is terrified of. Honestly, I think she may benefit from therapy more than anything else. Going through life with deep insecurities (especially ones that result in her lashing out at others) will make it very difficult for her and everyone around her. ESH (except your husband).
It’s hard because looks are SO IMPORTANT at her age, and bullying sucks. But she’s been a big bully herself, so I have little sympathy, even knowing she’s an angsty teenager.
I’m going to say NTA.
Edit: using glasses as a punishment also reinforces the idea that glasses are bad and shameful to wear. This is not a good lesson and will make things worse in the long run
Your daughter for obvious reasons. 15 year olds should know better. Few do, but they should.
You because your purpose with this punishment was to emotionally harm her. Kids need discipline, but you are trying to hurt her like she hurt your husband. Thats not going to help anybody.
Punish by withholding rewards/extras, not by making her insecure. (i.e. why is she still going to this party?)
Her vanity and being ableist is going to set her up for future assholery if it isn’t nipped in the bud right now.
Wearing glasses is hardly an extreme punishment and her behavior needs to be checked. Now. For HER sake.
Further, now that you’ve laid it down, you HAVE to follow up or nothing in the future will stick.
You = semi asshole, but expected for stressed mother
Daughter = asshole, but expected from teenage girl
Dad = not asshole, lives with 2 assholes, cant see shit, absolute GOAT