When his wife tried to recreate that cherished Sunday tradition, hoping to bring comfort and joy to her family, the recipe alone couldn’t capture the essence of what made it special. The meal was perfect on the surface, but the heart behind it—the love, struggle, and presence of his mother—was irreplaceable, leaving him grappling with loss and longing in every bite.
My husband was raised by a single mom that worked 2 jobs so most nights, the boys were left to their own devices or one of their much older siblings would drop off fast food. Sunday was her one day off and she’d make a huge dinner: roast, potatoes, veggies, etc.
She continued this even after they were grown, moved out and she no longer had to work 2 jobs. She died 10 years ago and we all miss that roast.
Recently, my husband has been talking about it a lot lately. So I decided a few Sundays ago to make the roast. I got the recipe card from his older sister so it’d be exactly the same, followed it to a T.
He and the kids were so excited. I was too.
I think it turned out fine. I followed it exactly and the kids and I loved it. However, my husband found everything to complain about. The potatoes weren’t right, the chicken didn’t taste the same, etc.
He was really disappointed and I said, maybe part of the roast being so good was that it was the one meal a week his mom cooked, so it was special. I cook every night and I’m not his mom.
He looked me in the eye and said “Or you just suck at making this.”, almost like he was mad at me (it was in his tone and voice).
So, I was done. I felt really unappreciated and I just packed up the leftovers…which he brought to work every day and complained it just wasn’t the same and that I wasn’t a good cook.
But he ate them all! And we had other stuff he could bring, no one was forcing him to eat it.
This past Saturday he asked why I stopped making the roast. I said “because apparently I don’t make it right?” He acted like I was crazy so I made it yesterday. Same. Damn. Thing. He hated it, bitched about how I can make anything but his roast.
So I said I’m never making it again. I’m done. He got mad and said he wants the kids to have this tradition. I said I’m not hearing his whining every week. We’ll have a Sunday dinner but no more roast.
I also packed the leftovers for the kids today too and the remaining for myself. He called me a bitter asshole. Am I being one?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is experiencing significant emotional distress due to feeling unappreciated and criticized after putting effort into recreating a meaningful family meal for her husband. The central conflict arises from the OP’s belief that her effort was devalued by harsh criticism, leading her to withdraw from the tradition, while the husband prioritizes maintaining a specific nostalgic experience over validating his wife’s feelings and efforts.
Is the OP justified in refusing to cook the roast out of self-respect when her efforts are met with constant, harsh criticism, or is she obligated to continue the tradition for her children’s sake, even if it means enduring her husband’s negative comments about her cooking?
Here’s how people reacted:
You mean the new tradition where you cook a giant lovely meal out of the goodness of your heart and he spends the next 3 days trashing it? Sounds like a lovely memory for you and your kids.
I’m sorry I’m trying to be nice here, but he’s an asshole and a bit of an idiot to expect someone to cook and willingly take criticisms every single time.
>He called me a bitter asshole.
Nice. That’ll get you to want to cook it. “You know what you are right, thank you for calling me a bitter asshole, now I really want to cook for you!”
He can’t have it both ways. He either hates it and doesn’t wanna eat it, or he likes it and has to shut the f*ck up. No, scratch that, he has to shut the f*ck up regardless. You did a nice thing twice, his job is to shut the f up and enjoy. Or if it’s too horrible, he’s supposed to say “I’m really really sorry, I LOVE that you wanted to do this for me, but it doesn’t taste right, so don’t worry about it again”. How hard is it to be kind to your spouse dammit?
NTA
It is one thing for him to be disappointed, it is quite another for him to blame it on you AND to do so in such a disrespectful and hostile manner. And then for him to gaslight you and make you feel like you were the problem when he was the one insulting you?? I thought that was bad but somehow his behaviour got even more disgusting. He wanted you to continue making it so that he could insult you every week? No thanks! Lastly, it is never okay to call your SO names but especially not when they were trying to do you a favour. If he wants it so badly, tell him to cook it himself.
You are not his chef, you are not his maid, and you are most certainly not his punching bag.
Your husband is being petty but from the sounds of it this meal was a very important memory to him and having it is likely triggering him of his mothers death.
Im not condoning your husband and i think there needs to be a conversation of “i cant make it how your mum did and you shouldn’t expect me to, if you want me to do a roast it will be different”
Its potentially difficult on his mental health which is why im leaning to NAH. He’s being a dick, theres no question on that but i think this is a special enough case were its more forgivable. Sometimes it’s hard to say what’s really bothering us and i think this is deeper than your cooking ability.
Edit:your boos mean nothing, ive seen what makes this sub cheer
Now I’m going to break a rule here and give you advice, hopefully I won’t get banned for it.
Chicken (turkey too) is not as easy to cook as you might think. I recommend youtube for videos on cooking one correctly. But 2 tips jump to mind.
1) Cooking pot. A dutch oven is best, but tenting with foil and basting occasionally is a good backup. Keeping the moisture in as it cooks is important.
2) Temperature. Overcooking will dry it out. Get a meat thermometer and measure it in the thigh. Over time, you can tell by looking if its done. (The skin pulls back from the end of the leg bones is how I tell, but different size / quality chickens make this an unreliable test. If I’m not sure, I break out the thermometer.)
Yes, he might have been reacting emotionally and out of grief for his mom… but it’s not cool to take it out on you. He should show appreciation of your efforts instead of complaining about it.
I would tell him, in a clear and frank manner, that his complaining hurt your feelings and made you feel unappreciated.
I’ve made favorite dishes that my late grandmother used to make. I’ve followed the exact recipe to a T, but it never tastes the same. Sometimes the missing ingredient is the loved one and eating the dish without them leaves you lacking the same feelings you had when they were alive.
But new plan: you and the kids get to have the roast he is not allowed to have any. You might consider just not cooking for him in general, but he certainly is not welcome at Sunday roast day because a weekly tradition of Dad is an AH to his spouse is a terrible tradition.