Her lack of a filter turns everyday social moments into minefields, where a casual glance at a phone or an unconventional outfit becomes a spotlight for her biting remarks. Though her intentions may be rooted in authenticity, Bridget’s relentless calling out of others’ quirks and flaws challenges the delicate balance of civility, sometimes isolating her from the very groups she navigates with such candor.
My friend, we’ll call her Bridget, is one of those “not like other girls” people. She makes those posts on Facebook, talks about it, etc. It can get a bit annoying, but the biggest issue I have with it, is that she “has no filter”.
Now, I’m all for speaking your mind because free speech and all of that. But there are times when you need to have a filter. She’s the type to point out when things are awkward between two people, but they’re pretending to be civil for the sake of the group and just get through this outing, before they don’t have to see each other again.
Doesn’t happen often, but it’s happened a couple of times when people have had an argument or don’t like each other and then things are even more awkward.
If someone is on their phone a bit, she’ll wave her hand in front of their face and say “Hey there” and then call them on it. If they have a fashion sense that’s odd to her, she’ll make fun of them, even if they ask her to stop.
She’ll also tell you really random, graphic stories about her past, the same ones over and over. It’s sad the first time, but your cocktail anecdote should not be “My house burned down when I was 11 and my uncles died two days apart, plus I think they haunt me.” (The uncles didn’t die related to the fire, they died of terrible diseases and these are tragic stories, and I’m sorry they happened, btw, I’m not trying to make light of it.) It makes people feel awkward, which you guess it…she calls them on and laughs about.
If you call her out on any of this, “I have no filter”. A lot of our friends don’t like this, but a bulk of them (including myself for a bit until she did this with me for way to long about the clothes) chalk it up to “That’s just Bridget”.
The other night, we were all hanging out and one of the guys had brought his new girlfriend. We were all talking about fairly, light, funny topics. Suddenly, Bridget brings up her uncles and started talking about their sickness, in excruciating detail.
I can tell that the new girlfriend was getting pretty weirded out and I told her “Hey, maybe we can talk about the time they took you fishing. That’s a funny one.”
But no, she continued until she was done. Then the room got quiet, as it always does after she tells this horrible, awful story about two men dying of cancer and she looks around, bursts into laughter and goes “Well, now none of you have anything to say.”
Our friend’s new girl looks humiliated and I just feel so bad for her. I say, “Bridget, you need to cut this out. If you keep this up, people are going to stop inviting you to hang out with us.
No one likes the way you talk to them. We’ve told you in the past.” She looked incredibly hurt and I said “Sorry, I don’t have a filter.”
Apparently, Bridget is still incredibly hurt and thinks I’m an ass. I do feel a bit bad, but at the same time, I am just sick of how she treats us as a group. Am I being an ass here?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) reached a breaking point after witnessing their friend, Bridget, repeatedly cause discomfort by sharing excessively graphic personal trauma and criticizing others without restraint, culminating in an incident where Bridget intentionally deflated a positive social atmosphere with a graphic story, resulting in the new girlfriend feeling humiliated. The OP finally confronted Bridget directly about this persistent behavior, which caused Bridget significant emotional distress and has now led to conflict between the two friends.
Given the pattern of behavior where Bridget uses ‘no filter’ as a justification for actions that consistently make others uncomfortable, is the OP justified in prioritizing the group’s comfort by issuing a firm ultimatum, or did the OP cross a line by confronting Bridget so harshly, potentially damaging a long-term friendship?
Here’s how people reacted:
That being said, I think it’s possible she’s not trying be a jerk. I had a similar experience growing up, and while I’ve learned to mask it, I could never cure it.
I grew up not having much of a filter and consequently weirded people out, but I wasn’t trying to upset anyone, I just couldn’t read the social cues. I was also stuck on particular dark topics, and I’d often have to be told that my interests aren’t for pleasant company.
Basically I’d be hanging out in groups completely bored by conversations where I couldn’t relate, and I’d have no idea when it’s okay to say things or why people seemed to be lying to each other. I couldn’t tell when a pause in discussion was long enough for me to start talking without it being an interruption. If I had begun to express a thought and someone tried to derail it, I was compelled to complete the thought. I’d say what I was thinking, and feel frustrated and lost when people got angry. An ex eventually explained, “there’s the answer, and then there’s the *right* answer. Give them the right answer.”
I had to learn how to blend in by studying facial cues, psych, criminology, sociology etc. I just studied the crap out people and treated it like I’m an android whose mission is to blend in with humans.
If people in a group are exchanging stories, I now know to just say some bullshit thing that makes people laugh, even though it’s mind-numbing. Act like I give a shit about Real Housewives, act like small talk is necessary, act like weed culture is fascinating, ask people how their day was even though I don’t care, tell them that my day was fine even if it wasn’t. Drinking helps.
Through practice I became way more likeable, and that’s great, but it’s also exhausting. The filter is necessary in order to be a good friend, but it’s kinda like a constant reminder that I don’t really belong.
When asked “what’s up”, the answer is that I feel alone and broken and don’t know how I’m supposed to do this every day for years just because society’s uncomfortable with suicide. But I now understand that the *right* answer is, “Not much, you?”
I guess what I’m getting at is, not everyone has malicious intentions when they have trouble dealing with people. It doesn’t mean you have to put up with it, but it’s worthy of consideration that your friend might be genuinely lacking certain traits that come easily to others. It can be really disheartening to learn that you annoy people but not know how to fix yourself.
I’m glad you said something. She needs to hear it more often until it sinks in and she changes. Or, she’ll try to turn everyone against you. Or, if that doesn’t work, she’ll flit to another friend group and share some sob story about how shitty you all were to her throughout your friendship.
NTA
This sub loves to preach “two wrongs don’t make a right” and “whether they deserve it or not, it’s still an asshole move” until it’s something like this that everyone can relate to. The hive mentality is alive and well.
The whole “they can dish it, so they should be able to take it” sentiment is a firm everybody sucks here. Regardless if she had it coming, there are better ways to get the point across instead of humiliating her and creating more tension than there already was, something you’re all willing to crucify Bridget for to begin with.
I see in your post you call her a friend. She’s not your friend. She is an annoying, toxic aquaintance and that is all.
I really do not understand why people let themselves be abused like this! Besides knowing her for a long time, does she bring anything of value to you, your friends or your scene? Anything of such incredible value that you continue to so harshly devalue yourselves and continue to allow her to abuse you in this way?
Goodness, get some fucking self respect and just cease including her. If someone invites her, just don’t show up. If she is there when you arrive, just leave.
She is a poison you can easily avoid. Why aren’t you?
But maybe you should have called her out after one of her tirades that didnt involve her telling the story of her uncle’s dying from cancer?
She sounds like the kind of person that provides plenty of opportunities to tell off, so maybe you chose a bad one.
Also could have been better to do it to her one on one instead of in front of a group.
Highly doubtful this person will remain in your friend group long-term so I wouldnt worry about it too much.
She seems toxic as fuck. Her telling this awkward horrible death story and leaving the room speechless is her way of stealing the attention, narcissistic playbook 101. Next time, interrupt her and keep talking over her tragic stories until she realizes she’s not gonna control the room with them anymore
The fact she claims to have no filter means she KNOWS what she’s saying or doing is socially unaccetable, but is doing it anyway for the attention it generates her.
I’m sure she’s one of those girls who quote, “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.”
Take her advice!
Your friend’s “no filter” policy means that she’s putting shock value and social value points ahead of her friends feelings. That makes her the asshole, by definition. Friendship’s a two way street, and you don’t owe her any amount of social interaction.
I’m an asshole, but I choose when and how it’s applied, because that’s the social contract.
Actions and decisions don’t get consequence removed by “I’m just honest”.
If you decide to cut this “friend” out of your life, you’ll be completely justified
NTA
NTA
Stop inviting her. She is doing it on purpose. You’re right, it’s her thing, to not have a filter.