Yet beneath this blossoming happiness lies the delicate balance of blended family life, where a man strives to be more than a stranger to his partner’s six-year-old son. Through shared moments of play and support, he seeks to build a bridge of friendship and understanding, hoping to carve out a place in a heart already marked by absence.
Me (24M) and my girlfriend (24F) had a baby boy one month ago today, and things have been pretty awesome. We’ve really come together as a couple and our communication has been healthier than ever; even our levels of trust and little displays of affection are through the roof.
All in all, a potentially stressful and chaotic situation worked out pretty well!
My SO has a six year old boy from a high school fling. The father moved several states away when he found out about the kid, and has only been around two or three times, for no more than an hour each time.
Her son knows I am not his father but for the last three years I have tried to reinforce the fact that I am his friend and he can always talk to me. We play basketball together and we go bowling every weekend, as long as he behaves in school that week, so I would think to think that we are pretty close.
So two days ago (Friday) after work, the three of us went bowling while my mother watched our newborn. As we’re changing shoes, I notice a really gnarly odor akin to sour milk and garlic.
I searched for the offensive smell and I realized it was my Gf’s son’s feet. When I leaned down to put all of our shoes underneath the table, I was about a foot away from him and couldn’t help but notice he absolutely REEKED.
I was a little boy once, so I shrugged it off and made a mental note to tell his mom later.
As luck would have it, she brought up to me a few minutes later how he got made fun of at school that day for smelling bad and how it hurt his feelings. Me being the idiot that I am immediately responded with, “SO, it smells like he hasn’t wiped his ass properly in days.
Does he use soap in the shower? Did you ever show him how?” To which she blushed and vehemently responded that it was not appropriate for her to bathe with her own son.
Now that he’s six, I kind of agree, but I wasn’t born knowing how to properly clean my body, I had to be taught. I told her that I felt as if it was her job as the sole parent to teach her son hygiene, otherwise this problem will never go away.
I also stated that with our son, the newborn, I would 100% be taking responsibility for his hygiene so that I knew it would get done. She started to tear up and got really angry with me, so we finished our first game of bowling and left.
She’s been pissed at me all weekend. AITA here? Should I have handled that better? Different?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is facing a significant conflict rooted in differing views on parental responsibility and teaching hygiene to a six-year-old stepchild. The OP acted directly based on an observed issue (the child smelling bad) and voiced his concern forcefully, linking it to the girlfriend’s role as the sole parent. This direct approach caused significant emotional distress and anger in his girlfriend, highlighting a clash between the OP’s belief that direct instruction is necessary and the girlfriend’s emotional reaction to how that criticism was delivered.
Was the OP justified in prioritizing the child’s immediate hygiene correction, even if it meant criticizing the mother’s parenting approach, or did his delivery violate the necessary respect for her role as the primary caregiver? The core question remains: How should co-parents or partners address sensitive issues like a child’s personal hygiene when one partner feels the other is failing in a core teaching duty?
Here’s how people reacted:
If I was a single mom, I’d be a bit defensive. It could just be a little oversight on her end – it’s nothing bad, things just happen. But it could feel like ‘hey you’re a bit of a bad parent’. It’s not what it is, but feelings don’t care.
Also, six isn’t too old to bathe with his mom. My siblings and I sometimes took baths with our mom until we were probably ten. A mom’s a mom, it’s not weird unless you make it weird. I think even recently, my second youngest brother (football and basketball star at fourteen years old, big kid, over 6”) had to be shown how to bathe by my mom because she was tired of his stank ass. She had to show him that *yes*, you do need to *scrub* *your* *fucking* *pits* and *yes*, water just running over your feet doesn’t wash them. With him it was more of a punishment/humiliation thing, because what the fuck, dude? You’re fourteen and you walk around smelling like an armpit’s asshole. Keep your undies on and get scrubbed down by mom. McDonald’s is literally jealous of all the grease in your hair.
In short, it matters not the age. Kids just don’t know how their bodies are, or they get accustomed to the stink. My brother didn’t realize that *yeah*, *he* *fucking* *stinks* because he was used to it and puberty changes how you smell. It wasn’t just some super mom nose. He knew how to wash himself as if he didn’t stink, like he didn’t do hours of hard practice everyday, like he wasn’t going through puberty – just had to learn how to do it a new way.
The thing that underlies this, I think, is the stark differentiation you make between “your” son and her son “from a fling” and how your GF is his “sole parent.” If he has no father, you all live together, and you had a child with your GF, then you are essentially his stepdad. I guess I’m not understanding why you’re insistent on being his “friend” rather than a father figure when he doesn’t have a dad. Why couldn’t you just step up and teach him the hygiene without making anyone feel bad?
Anyway, I chose YTA because of how you handled it and because I don’t think your GF’s handling of the situation rises to “asshole.” She was a single teen mom who is still pretty young. No parent is perfect, and I think folks need to cut her some slack.
That’s an asshole quote right there. Way to go telling your just-given-birth-still-very-hormonal-and-emotional girlfriend that you don’t think that she has what it takes to properly raise a child. You might not have intended it that way (or you did, in which case; major asshole) but it does come off that way and might very well be the reason why your girlfriend was pissed at you.
Aside that asshole quote, good on you for bringing the 6y.o.’s hygiene to attention. Since you’re a guy, perhaps offer to help your girlfriend teach him proper hygiene? I’m a woman and I didn’t really know how to properly clean a boy’s penis so I asked my then S.O. to help me with that part of basic male hygiene for my eldest. Luckily the boy now knows how to do it himself (including the rest of his body) but if I hadn’t asked another guy for info, I don’t think I would’ve known how to teach the boy all that.
And lastly; try some babypowder in the kid’s shoes. It helps absorb sweat and reduces smells from feet
The way you responded was off the cuff and ill thought out but you aren’t an asshole. Your SO is probably hurt and embarrassed to realize she didn’t really teach him how to bathe properly.
What is important is steps forward. Apologize for your insensitive remark but say that funny enough you hadn’t noticed anything until that night at bowling and were planning to bring it up with her yourself.
I know you didn’t ask for advice but since her son told her he was made fun of for smelling this should be the teaching opportunity to correct it. She should tell him that we certainly want him smelling his best so and suggest to him that they sit down and go through his ‘steps’ of cleaning etc to make sure he’s not missing an important step.
Alternatively this could be a good opportunity for you to get closer to her son as the ‘man of the house’ to have some boy time and talk about his issue and how to fix it.
Best of luck!
The mother or you need to teach him about washing. He’s 6. It is perfectly fine for him to be bathed with supervision. My son is 5 and my step son is also 5 and we physically wash them. They have started to wash themselves but we still get the cloth with soap and hand it to them and get the places they miss. They do need to be taught.
Also, just as an fyi for you. My son is well aware of. Who is dad is and sees him 1-3 times a year and video chats about every 4 months. My son calls my fiancee dad or daddy. He sees him as the father figure even tho he knows who his bio dad is. Guaranteed this little boy sees you in that way. He needs that connection and if his bio dad isn’t in the picture, I hope you step up and take on that role. The most important figure in a kids life is the same sex parent.
Your girlfriend doesn’t have to bathe WITH him. She can wash his hair while he sits in the tub or stands in the shower. She can hand him soap and direct him to lather up his hands or feet or wherever. There’s no excuse. She doesn’t have to undress to just monitor and advise him from outside the tub. You can do the same.
Letting a child get smelly to the point where people ridicule him is NEGLECT, pure and simple.
It’s definitely her responsibility as the boy’s mother to teach him proper hygiene. It’s something the kid has to learn to do anyway. If he doesn’t want to be made fun of, he’ll learn eventually.
But. It seems like this relationship is pretty permanent. That means you could potentially be the boy’s stepfather. If that’s the case you should take more than zero responsibility for him.
My SO has 2 boys and I’ve had hygiene conversations with both of them. Proper showering techniques, oral hygiene, bodywash/deodorant preferences etc. Shes his mom and it’s her deal, but you’re going to be teaching that little guy all kinds of stuff. Jump right in. Grats on the baby bro.
Also a 6yo is not too old to have an adult helping them out with a shower!
These are things discussed by parents.
Also he’s 6 not 16, it isn’t weird for her to supervise his shower. He’s still a little boy. No wonder the poor kid is smelly. 6year olds do not have the wherewithal to know how to clean themselves properly.
> To which she blushed and vehemently responded that it was not appropriate for her to bathe with her own son.
What the hell.