Yet, in the face of despair, her mother defied tradition and exhaustion, refusing the easy path back to familiarity. Instead, she embraced grueling work with no safety net, determined to forge a future where her daughter could rise beyond the limits set by their past. This story is a testament to resilience, sacrifice, and the unbreakable bond of family that fuels hope against all odds.
So I’m the daughter of 1st Gen Migrants to America. My father wanted to move here for more opportunities, and my mother, being a devoted housewife moved along with him. In my homeland’s culture, women don’t work once they’re married and my mother married straight out of High School so she’d never had a job before.
My parents had me here, and when I was 8, my father passed away from cancer. My mother could have taken the easy route, she could have moved back to her homeland where relatives would look after us.
But instead, she chose to get several jobs here (for cash so no benefits, no one was willing to have a middle aged foreigner that speaks little english work for them legitimately) and work hard to raise me in the US.
If she’d gone home, I would probably have had to work on a farm till I died, but because of her, I got to have an education and have a well-paying office job.
Since my mother had no benefits at her various jobs, I’ve always known it would be my duty to look after her in her old age. I’ve always been very upfront about everyone I’ve been in a relationship with, that my mother is a part of the package.
That until she dies, I’ll be paying for her bills, rent and some money for her to spend. My husband agreed to this when we started dating, and after we got married.
But with corona, he got laid off, and we’ve been living off my income. I make quite a bit more than him, so we’re still living solidly middle class lives, it’s just that we don’t have excess fun money anymore for hobbies till he gets another job.
Obviously, my mother also is only receiving what she needs to get by too.
And now that it’s affecting him, he’s been making snide comments about my mother being a freeloader, and that she’s still young enough to be working (she’s in her late 60s). I told him to cut it out, that he knew what he was signing up for when he married me, so unless he wants to leave me, this is how it’s going to be.
I didn’t say the dreaded D word, but implying it was enough he stormed out. I got a few messages from my SIL and BIL about how I was being ridiculous expecting my husband to be second fiddle to my mother.
Conclusion
The Original Poster (OP) feels resolute in her commitment to financially support her elderly mother, viewing it as a necessary duty owed for her mother’s sacrifices in raising her alone in the US. The central conflict arises because her husband, facing financial strain due to job loss, now views this long-standing commitment as an unreasonable burden that subordinates his needs to those of the mother-in-law.
Is the OP justified in firmly stating that financial support for her mother is non-negotiable, even when it restricts the couple’s lifestyle during the husband’s unemployment, or should she have negotiated a temporary reduction in support given the unforeseen financial hardship the couple is now facing?
Here’s how people reacted:
1. He knew before hand what he was getting in to
2. He is only upset now that it’s affecting his ability to have fun/do his hobbies
3. Snide comments are petty and calling your mother names is just wrong, he is your husband and a grown man, he should act like it
4. As you said, your mothers work prospects were bad while young, now? Yeah she is gonna struggle
5. It’s not as if many people are working right now, how is she suppose to find a job right now? She is in the high risk category due to age
6. He stormed out like a child and it’s not your in-laws business
7. He is hardly “playing second fiddle” you are taking care of your mother like you warned him
8. He isn’t even working(not his fault) but ultimately it’s your choice what to do with your money
Your mother is amazing for what she did, and she deserves support and you are a great kid for helping her the way you are
As a daughter of a first gen immigrant, I’m furious. My mother worked hard and sacrificed so all 3 of her kids would have the opportunities she never had.
Your husband needs a reality check. Your mother is at retirement age, and vulnerable. She worked her whole life so you wouldn’t face the same hardships. He knew she was part of the deal when you got married.
If he’s mad you guys dont have ‘fun money’ anymore he can do what many immigrants already do: find a job and work hard, no matter if its ‘beneath’ them.
I work with first generation Thai immigrants who not only waitress, but uber, doordash, grocery delivery, anything and everything so theres food on the table.
Your husband needs to understand that he’s the problem, not your mother.
I mean it’s clearly your decision and I usually don’t say this lightly but… I think you should really think about the D word. If this is how he’s going to behave in “the bad times”…
NTA. I am a daughter of an immigrant and completely understand. You need to be careful my dear. It seems that your husband has resentments and at this point I fear that if you lose your job or if something happens to you, he will not be helping your mother. So please be careful and if you have life insurance put your mother down as the benefactor. Your husband has shown his true colors so just be careful.
Also his ahole siblings need to mind their own business and get the fuck out of your marriage.
maybe instead of complaining about your mom not having a job he can go out and get a new one himself.
You were upfront from the start that you planned to support your mother in her old age. She was hardworking single parent who sacrificed a lot for you. She is not a freeloader. It’s offensive your husband said that.
1. he knew the deal before you got married
2. “we’re still living solidly middle class lives”
3. “my mother also is only receiving what she needs to get by too”