Caught between supporting authenticity and safeguarding growth, the parent wrestles with the urgency of a child’s feelings and the realities of physical and emotional development. This is a poignant tale of navigating identity, acceptance, and the unspoken challenges that lie beneath the surface of a young soul’s search for self.
My 11 yr old recently came out to me as maybe being gay. I said hell yeah. Tonight they told me they want to be called they/she pronouns and want a binder for their birthday.
It quickly escalated to “you’re making me feel guilty and I shouldn’t have told you” and tears.
I said I’m not opposed to being non binary, but you haven’t even had your period yet, maybe chill on the binder. Additionally, I have concerns of a non developed person wearing something like that considering what I know waist trainers and corsets can do from extended use.
This kid is a type b. Won’t even brush their hair or teeth unless I tell them to. I didn’t say no, I said act responsible and let your body develop and I’ll consider it.
I’m also worried they are having some kind of crises because of not being as developed as the other girls. They are much more child like in how their body is forming and still have a ton of baby teeth.
They were also diagnosed with autism this year and that was a big deal in terms of being mentally taxing for anyone.
I said I’m not saying I won’t (I immediately even picked up the pronoun) but based on what I know about them and having seen my cousin go through being non binary, that’s a tough call to make because of how hard it made my cousins life, my fear of how my child will be treated in today’s political climate and the fact that they are so young and not developed.
I feel like a flubbed this up. I ended it with I love you no matter what, but my job is to make sure I guide you to adulthood safely and not to be just a chill mom.
Anyone nonbinary willing to give me some tips?
Conclusion
The parent expressed immediate support for their child’s stated identity regarding pronouns but immediately introduced conditions and delays regarding the request for a binder, linking the binder decision to the child’s lack of physical development and overall responsibility level. This created a sharp emotional reversal, causing the 11-year-old to feel guilt and regret for sharing their feelings.
Given the parent’s stated commitment to safety and guidance versus the child’s immediate need for affirmation, the core question remains: At what point should parental concern over physical development and external social risks yield to a minor’s clear, immediate expression of gender identity, particularly when the initial support has already been expressed?
Here’s how people reacted:
Maybe a week from now, ask your kid if they want to see a gender affirming doctor with you (if you have access to one!). Tell them you’ve done your research on binders because you’re soOoO supportive(not trying to be too sarcastic here, just want to make sure you know this is the thing to emphasize), and you’ve heard that binders can hurt adult people’s ribs and lungs, so you want to check with a doctor since they’re still growing about how this might affect their posture/spine/lungs later on
Binders are dangerous to wear without a strict “remove every eight hours and take 1-2 days off binding a week” and even then it can still fuck up your posture when your bones are done. A doctor needs to tell your kid this,it shouldn’t come from you.
Offer to get KT tape or TransTape for them instead, help them put it on the first few times and remind them when they need to take it off to take a break the first few times—it can irritate your skin but it isn’t dangerous to your organs and bones lol. Otherwise, set up a signed agreement about binder responsibility using a doctor’s recommendations. Something like “I will set a timer every time i put it on, and will text you when i put it on/remove it. if i can do this consistently for the first X number times i wear it (or however many times they need to learn a habit) then i can wear one unsupervised and will be bought a second one with a different color(or a different reward)”
NAH
NOW! For the binder issue… I wear mine daily. For the maximum amount of time (8 hours, any longer can cause physical damage to the chest, spine, and lungs). I assume your 11 year old is in school, and probably likes to do some kind of physical activity. With a binder- which I can imagine they would certainly want to wear to do both of those things- there would be risk of injury. You were right to speculate on that. If I were you, I’d explain the real health risks, and offer to buy a compression shirt instead! A lot of smaller-chested AFAB people use them. I wear them when I work out. They don’t pose the physical risks a binder does. In my humble no kid experience, I’m constantly blown away by how intelligent kids can be. I speak to them plainly, and most of the time they listen. I think you have a real opportunity to bond on your hands! Just be honest, and be supportive, and be kind. Shit like this is confusing for you, but it’s also confusing for them! I wish you two the best. You’ve got this.
Wearing a binder at that age when they are still growing and developing so rapidly WILL definitely have a negative impact on their ribcage and, later inadvertently, lung capacity. Once they are more developed and not growing as much – should they still want one – absolutely go for it! I agree with the other comments saying sports bras are a good starting place/compromise. It’s what I started out wearing as well because they were cheap, easier to find for my size (I’m a large person and have been since I was like 5 bc of health issues) and they would hold me in place.
And tbf, as for the adjustment period, it’s not just with a bra. I went through it with wearing glasses, too. Autism brain does not like new (and improved) things touching my person until it has identified it as not a threat lmao
Trans people definitely exist, but there is also a growing movement amongst young girls to reject their girlhood. I get why and I can relate. But I also think it’s an important reason to take things slow – particularly if this is a brand new idea that started at a crisis point. My child will tell me that they’re a boy and five minutes later they’ll want to put on a dress. I’ll be fine if they decide to transition when they’re older but right now it feels like they’re trying on identities to see what fits the best. And I told them I fully support them taking time to learn more about themselves and find out who they are before they make any decisions.
Growing up I had a lot of issues with my changing body and my growing awareness of the horrific ways that young girls were being sexualized around me was traumatic. The ones who were developing got sexualized comments and the ones who weren’t developing as quickly were put down. My reaction to that was dressing like a boy. Because if boys had the power and privilege of not being a sexual object, I wanted to access that power.
I’d also ask your kid more questions about binding. Where did they hear it from? Why do they want one? What are they hoping to achieve through binding? Depending on how big your kid is they might not even have suitable binders for them to begin with. Binding if done incorrectly can be extremely dangerous and it’ll get worse the longer you bind.
Overall approach this with curiosity and focusing on the social changes they can make to feel more comfortable in their body.
The fear you have for your child is real and valid given then political climate that we’re in, it’s not a great time to be visibly queer rn but that doesn’t mean you should discourage your child from expressing themselves in the ways they want to.
TLDR: NTAH, sports bra first if they aren’t wearing one, high impact sports bra if they are (more compression), ask more questions about their feelings/identity and why they want to start binding
NTA but I think this is a case of picking your battles and a binder isn’t one you need to pick for your child’s physical health. Let them wear one. They may always stop at some point and no matter what, it won’t reshape their body.
My biggest question is: why does this specific choice bother you? If it’s your medical worries about the binder, take your kid to see a doctor and talk about it with them. It sounds like you are making medical assumptions to cover discomfort issues you are not acknowledging.
It’s just clothes. Let the kid safely experiment.
I say have a chat with your child and ask them why they feel the need to wear a binder (so you can understand if they are doing this as a crisis), and go on from there.
Have a talk with kiddo and see if there’s a happy medium, and if there’s a deeper reason for wanting a binder.
NTA for not allowing a literal child not to make life altering decisions without talking to a professional.
I absolutely 100% would not support any body altering operation or whatever until they were 18 and legally an adult.
If they say they’re gay…great…have they actually crushed on someone? Had sex? Had a kiss?
They’re just kids and we’re putting adult issues on their shoulder.
I don’t know where an 11 year old would even learn of a binder but seeing how young they are I would suggest speaking to a psychologist as this is way out of reddit’s pay-grade.
NTA. Whilst a binder doesn’t reshape the body, wearing it irresponsibly can really hurt