Am I the AH for telling my husband that his mom can watch me give birth if my mom gets to watch him have his prostate exam

A 25-year-old woman (OP) and her 31-year-old husband have been trying to conceive for five years and are now expecting their baby at 36 weeks. While finalizing her birth plan with her doctor, the OP discussed her wishes for a private delivery, intending for only herself and her husband to be present with the midwife.

The OP’s mother-in-law (MIL) overheard this discussion and became increasingly upset when told she would not be present during the birth. After repeated assertions of the OP’s boundary, the OP left to stay with her sister. Two weeks later, the husband continues to insist the OP is being selfish by excluding his mother, leading the OP to question her marriage just before delivery.

Am I the AH for telling my husband that his mom can watch me give birth if my mom gets to watch him have his prostate exam

I 25F and my husband 31M have been trying for a baby for the past 5 years. We finally succeeded and now I’m 36 weeks pregnant. Recently I’ve been finalizing my birth plan and talking to my doctor about what I would like to happen both during and after birth.

We were over my mother in laws house one day while me and my husband were talking about it. She overheard us talking about it and commented that she’s excited to be there during the birth of her second grandchild and how it’s so weird that I was doing everything completely different then how she did it back in the day.

I was confused on what she meant by that because I assumed that it would just be me, my husband and the midwife in the room while I gave birth. She didn’t take this news particularly well and started to get increasingly upset each time I told her that she would not be in the room with us.

After a while of me telling her the same thing over and over again, I left. I went home and my husband stayed with his mom. When he got home, he told me that it was selfish for me to not let his mom have this experience.

I kept trying to explain to him my boundary and how weird it was for me to have a woman, that’s never seen me without clothes before watch me push a child out of my vagina during what will probably one of the most difficult and vulnerable situations of my life.

I Finally I got tired of arguing and I packed a bag and left to stay at my sister’s house. We have not talked much since then and it’s been about two weeks since then. Today I had a doctor’s appointment with my OBGYN and my husband thought it would be a good idea for us to go have lunch together to try to work this out.

He’s still stuck on the idea that his mother should be there in the room with us and he wasn’t even trying to see things from my perspective. So I told him that his mother can be in the room with us if he allowed my mom to watch him during his prostate exam next week.

I also told them that if his mom wants to videotape me, then my mom should be able to videotape him during the exam too. He got mad saying that it’s crazy that I even suggested it and that it’s an invasion of privacy.

Of course, I wasn’t actually going to have my mom do these things, but I just wanted to let him know how I felt. But now I kind of feel bad because he really seemed upset but I don’t know what to do now and I don’t want to give birth without him, but I may have to if we continue down this path.

Here’s how people reacted:

Many-Spread-9736

NTA, not even close. Birthing is not a spectator sport. It’s so important to feel as comfortable and safe in your birthing environment as possible, and having someone there you don’t want can actually cause you and your baby some stress and slow down labor – seriously! Your husband must own his role as primary support for YOU in this situation. His mom has absolutely NO say in this, at all, and you are not being selfish with this – SHE IS, and so is your husband who is prioritizing his mother’s feelings over yours, not to mention your health and safety because birthing is no joke. I think your comparison is spot-on. You got this, you know what you need, and I wish you so much peace and as calm and supported a birth as possible. If you have a chance to hire a doula to be your primary support person, that could help so much. All my best wishes to you and your little one!!!

themermaidssinging

Please inform the L&D nurses that your pushy, obnoxious MIL is absolutely not allowed in the delivery room (believe me when I say they will enjoy keeping her obnoxious ass out), and if your husband keeps trying to manipulate you when you’re in one of the most vulnerable situations of your life and pull some BS guilt trip, they can throw him out of the delivery room as well. Believe me when I say L&D nurses will be all too happy to respect your wishes.

Source: Mom of four who is close friends with my midwife who delivered babies 3 and 4, as well as a doula with over 12 years of experience. They both say the exact same thing; L&D nurses save their pent up frustration and rage towards family members who try to bully laboring women, and they freaking live for this.

Arorua_Mendes

NTA. Your body your birth your damn choice. Marriage requires mutual respect and your husband is failing you right now. Birth is intense personal and unpredictable not a spectator sport. You’ll be exposed in pain possibly pooping yourself and completely vulnerable. Your brilliant prostate exam comparison perfectly illustrated your point. His reaction proves exactly why your boundary matters. Trust your instincts and hold your ground. The person pushing out a baby gets the ONLY vote on the audience. You deserve a partner who champions your boundaries not someone who makes medical procedures about his mom’s experience.

DittoDattoDoo

When my wife gave birth, we were the only two in the room, but we called the grandparents as soon as the baby and my wife were done with delivery and cleaned up. I would try to convey that you would love to have her meet her grandchild as soon as possible AFTER the birth part is done. But that you’re self conscious about having anyone other than your husband in there when your legs are splayed open and a whole bunch of bodily fluids are pouring out of you. I think it’s reasonable for the grandparents to ask to see the grandchild, but they should wait until the baby is out and the mom is recovering.

VivianaRay_

NTA. Honestly, your husband is being unreasonable here. It’s your body, your birth experience, and your boundary to set. It’s totally valid for you to feel uncomfortable with his mom being in the room. You tried to explain your feelings, and it sounds like he’s not respecting them. Your response with the prostate exam was a clear and fair way to make him understand how uncomfortable this request is for you. If he’s not willing to listen or compromise, that’s a bigger issue than just the birth plan. Your feelings matter, and it’s important he sees that.

purplespaghetty

NTA, and if push comes to shove, just tell the midwife and facility you only want your husband. They’ll take care of for you. Even more than a wedding (which you share with hubby) giving birth is 1000% your call and your call alone. Either hubby can man up and support you or go live with mommy. But if I were you, I’d also be wary of how much hubby is supporting his mom… how’s that gonna go after/with baby. And congratulations!! You do you girly!! Please remember birth plan, is a plan, but you can definitely set in stone who gets to be there!

lilacmade

You know how when you discipline a toddler, they throw a tantrum? Yeah, this is the same thing. Your mother in law is throwing a tantrum when you maintain your boundary. Your husband is throwing a tantrum when you call him out on his stupidity. Tantrums. So anyways, don’t give into the tantrums. Stay calm and grounded through them. Hold firm.

I feel bad for your baby. Dad sounds like a mama’s boy & grandma sounds controlling.

Vaaliindraa

NTA, videotaping a birth is gross and a major invasion of privacy. NTA, but be very firm and specific with the hospital because your husband will most likely try to sneak his mom in and/or film you in that indelicate and completely exposed time. NTA but your marriage may never heal from this if your husband cannot understand how violating it is to have people you do not want present during birth. NTA and good luck.

ImportanceThat1732

My experience- woman are better birth companions than men.

Saying watching you give birth is definitely uncomfortable!
Anyone watching is not cool!

Maybe you could find a way for it to be a magical experience.
I did hypnobirthing and my mum and friend knew how to support me with it as birth companions.. hubby got overwhelmed and forgot his lines so I was glad to have the woman there.

Street-Mongoose1889

NTA. You are 100% able to tell the hospital staff who is and who is not allowed to be in the birth room, or wherever you are for your entire stay. No one but you has the power here. You don’t even have to tell your husband or his mom anything. Put it in your birth plan, tell your OB, and let the hospital staff know when you arrive. This is your experience. You set the rules.

No_Art_8657

That’s a fantastic comparison😂i’m childless, but childbirth is THE most vulnerable state a woman can be in, and aside from the fact no MIL needs to see your vag, what you say goes at this time. It could be the most ridiculous request ever and you’d still have every right to hold your ground. Don’t let anybody let you doubt that!!

Disastrous-Panda5530

NTA. So tired of men acting like giving birth is a spectator sport! You and you alone get to decide who is there in the room with you. His mom can get over it 😤 at this point I’d be tempted to tell him he won’t be in the room either if he can’t be supportive of you when you will need him most.

Wakemeup3000

NTA. The birth of a child is forming a new family. This is you and your husband’s time to go through the process and bond with your child before welcoming other family members to join in the celebration. The fact that your mil can’t understand this is mind boggling. Do not give an inch on this.

Killer__Cheese

Birth. Is. Not. A. Spectator. Sport.

You’re the one giving birth. YOU are the one who gets to decide who is in the room with you.

The people in the room with you should be there because they are there to support YOU. *Not* because they want to see what comes out of your body.

ElaraMist_

You’re definitely NTA. It’s your body, your birth, and your boundaries. If he can’t understand why you’d prefer your mom instead of his, maybe it’s time for him to step back and think about his privacy too. You’re not asking for something unreasonable, just mutual respect.

toerickler

I say no because that’s your moment not hers, and he should understand that. It’d be like if your mom saw him like you said sounds to me like he is way too controlling about it considering me could go that long without resolving the issue and trying to understand

Fair_Text1410

Repeat after me. Labor is not a spectator sport.

The only people in the labor room should be the pregnant person, medical team, and any support person that the patient wants in there. If he will not put your health first, then he doesn’t need to be in the room.

Ok-Soup-156

NTA. But also, I hate to break it you OP but this will be the first of MANY things that your mother-in-law wants to do with you/your child that is against your wishes. If your hubby isn’t backing you up now you are in for a long road parenting with him.

BeastieMom

I would tell him fine, he gets to choose who is in the room when you give birth and he has two choices to select from. It’s either you, him, and the midwife only or you and the midwife only. He can pick whichever of those two options he prefers. NTA.

latinadogmom1472

NTA. You are literally naked, in pain, pushing out a watermelon (basically). Why would anyone want a random family member or etc there to witness that. That’s a heck no. Stick to your guns.

mustang19671967

Bad trade most doctors now just order colonoscopy . Don’t let her anywhere near the room . And make sure they put a cover over consonant see below the waist and he stays up by the head

greatbake2023

It absolutely blows my mind when people assume they get to watch and RECORD someone else give birth. I mean, what the actual fuck?! NTA and stand your ground.

RooMoFos

She doesn’t have to look. She could just be in the room. A prostate exam is different because the Dr sticks a finger in the dudes butt.

Fennicular

NTA and at this point I would be telling the husband that if he’s not supporting YOU, he won’t be in the delivery room either.

mcon120

I saw someone say recently something to the tune of:
You are the patient. Your husband is the guest. Guests don’t get guests.

WellThisIsAwkwurd

Nta at all. You are the patient. It’s your decision. No one has a right to your birthing experience, not even your husband.

Difficult_Ranger_294

You are not the asshole, as a man j don’t want my mom in the room when it comes time for my future wife to give birth lol.

mercy_fulfate

Are we just posting this every day now? It was kind of clever the first 100 times but getting a little old at this point

Witty-Bad4733

NTA! I told my husband the same thing when I was pregnant. Guess who dropped the issue about his mom being in the room!

Clean-Fisherman-4601

NTA. For informations sake, you can ban anyone from the delivery room. The mother always gets the final say so.

SchubertTrout

Op, you’re a baller for suggesting the prostate exam be videotaped. 😂💪🏼💪🏼💪🏼💪🏼

You deserve an award.

EmbarrassedImpact867

Thats fucking weird, tell him his mom can go kick rocks. Fucking mommas boys i tell ya

SmartYouth9886

Honestly I would love the idea of your mom looking at my asshole.

dxcman12

I’m a guy and even im like it’s your birth your choice.

thickdfem

Yet you’ll let a total stranger look at your puss. 🤔

ForeignWeakness9041

Would your mom jerk him off at the same time?

Rosepetalsafterdark

I couldn’t think of a better comparison 😂.

Current-Opening6310

NTA. Sucks when you marry a child

Conclusion

The central conflict revolves around the OP’s fundamental need for privacy and control during a highly vulnerable medical event versus the strong emotional expectations and perceived entitlement of her husband and mother-in-law regarding participation in the birth experience.

The OP utilized a provocative counter-example involving an invasive medical exam to illustrate her point about privacy, which caused immediate conflict. The core question remains whether the OP should compromise her deeply held boundary for the sake of marital harmony immediately before labor, or if her husband needs to validate her bodily autonomy to ensure they can support each other during the birth.