Yeah, no.

You don’t get to punish her for “misbehaving” when the thing you were punishing her for was never even *IMPLIED* to be an against the rules.

Is it reasonable to be upset or concerned that she didn’t answer when you called her for so long? Of course it is. But if *YOU* never told her that she has to answer you whenever you call her you don’t get to punish her so severely for a first offense. Obviously she should have answered sooner, but she’s a *KID* kids are stupid sometimes and if they’re not explicitly told that they have to do something a certain way then they *WON’T* do it that way because they don’t think they’re doing anything wrong. You punishing her so severely for something she didn’t even know was a punishable offense due to lack of communication on *YOUR* part is not fair to her at all. Take her phone/electronics away for a few days/a week sure but don’t go punishing her by taking away something you *KNOW* that she was looking forwards to… *NOT* for something that you had already warned her about but rather for something that she never even realized was a problem to begin with all because *YOU* didn’t communicate with her to begin with that she has to do. Cause to you and most adults it seem obvious, but to someone her age it might not *ESPECIALLY* if it had never been communicated to her before.

Seriously, how would you feel if when you were a kid did something that *YOU* thought was completely harmless and that your parents had never told you wasn’t okay/that you weren’t allowed to do and they responded by telling you that you’re not allowed to go on that field trip to six flags because you had crossed a line that you didn’t even know existed. Chances are you wouldn’t think that was fair, would you?

When it comes to parenting, unless it’s a *HUGE* offense (like they robbed someone or started beating someone up) you shouldn’t just go all out against a first offense. You explain to them that what they did was wrong and how they should do things in the future and that if they continue to do it that there will be consequences…and that with each subsequent offense the consequences will get more severe within reason. So if they don’t answer your calls soon enough to your liking (again, within reason), then the first time it happens you sit them down and explain that what they did was wrong and that when you call they need to either answer or call you ASAP. Then, if it happens again you tell them that they can’t use their phones for anything other than calling/texting you for x amount of days and get a parental control app on their phone or something for that period of time. So on and so on. The point is, don’t just lay down the ban hammer the *SECOND* they do something that you don’t like but never explicitly told them not to do when it’s something that they didn’t necessarily realize was wrong.

YTA – you’re punishing her for being a typical teenager.

“Do everything we say”…you’re kidding right? You set her up to fail on purpose. No teenager is going to do EVERYTHING you say. Nobody will, ever, including adults.

She’s 13 why did she have a bf in the first place? Block his number. It’s your job to monitor her phone and who she’s talking to. My kids know their phones are not a fight and I can take it at any point. Tell the kids parents he needs to stop contacting her.

Getting mad will ensure she doesn’t talk to you about boys ever and could lead to bad relationships down the road that you don’t know about because she doesn’t feel she can talk to you. Explain to her why she can’t talk to him. If you think she’s old enough for a “boyfriend” then she’s old enough to know about DV that can happen even at their age.

Yes, parents need to parent.

She wanted to hang out with a friend, big deal. I find family get togethers boring and I’m an adult. I always hung out with friends after dinner if they were available when I was her age.

Your issues should be with your ex husband. Is he not allowed to give her permission or rules or is it just YOU? He is her dad after all.

I can get phone calls and texts all day and not know anyone was trying to get ahold of me and my phone can be in my hand or beside me.

I feel like you want to be mad because she isn’t perfect and doesn’t do everything to your ridiculous specifications.

How did you look for her for 40 mins and not assume she was still with the same friend? That would’ve been the first place I would’ve looked.

You thought it’d be brief. Did you specially say to make it brief? Didn’t specifically say only for a few mins?

She’s on vacation, let her enjoy it. Now you’ve ruined her trip too. I wouldn’t respect you either if you flip out over the smallest things.

Let her go on the trip, she won’t forget this and will be a stepping stone in your relationship going forward. Yikes.

Does the punishment fit the crime?

All these minor infractions are only a big deal to you.

She cannot make up the trip, she will never be 14 again. So this punishment is forever.

I would say you are a little strict.

My son is 13 and has chores. He got chores by wanting to do things that were at different maturity levels than I was ready for. You need to do things to gain things basically. I don’t have to remind him much about any of his duties because I stuck to my word. He wanted a game for the Xbox when he was 10 I felt he was a little to young for it he argued he wasn’t and we came up with how he can prove he was mature enough. It involved him getting himself up for school packing his lunch and to school on time. He began that night. He has been late for school twice (he is almost 14) once due to a power outage and the second i think he forgot to set his alarm. He got the game after he had done this routine without fail (didn’t even have to wake him up once) for 3 months (the agreement was 6 but he excelled).

We have had other things over the years and I have been using the same concept. You want a cell phone? Show me you understand taking care of things. That one included taking showers without being told amongst a few other things.

Unpopular opinion-
Idk what’s wrong with people here calling op TA. Very reasonable and mild demands are met with attitude and lies and yet when the warned consequences for their actions are given, people are commenting and calling op TA? How bad is your childhood that you’re projecting your family dynamics here? A 13 yr old was not in the house for a family event for nearly an hour or more and family was searching for her another hour. She most likely lied about being outside not that it matters here. Most Asian kids are punished worse and still have better relationships with their parents than most of you here. The culture that abandons a child at 18 is what encourages familial strifes.

Op was NTA
The punishment and consequences were already warned about and yet her behaviour and actions haven’t changed, she already proved her promises meant nothing so the op was well within her rights.
Infact by not taking away the consequences you’re teaching that her actions have no harsh consequences ever so it doesn’t really matter if she doesn’t behave well.

I am appalled at how hypocrite people are here at times. Projecting severe family trauma on such things. What pedagogy are you learning exactly?

110,000% AH.
Your “rules” are petty as anything, and show that all you want is control.
To start with whoever heard of somebody having to keep their room clean every day! The way you describe it, it has to be sanitized, and that’s impossible. That’s one big red flag right there.
Secondly, do you have any proof other than what your younger daughter is stating that this boyfriend or whatever you’re calling this person that your daughter communicates with isn’t treating her well?
Lastly, but most importantly, you get mad at her because she’s just right outside your door for 40 to 45 minutes and doesn’t answer you right away when you call her or text?

As I said, this doesn’t sound like behavioral issues on the part of your daughter, but issues on your part. You have major control issues, as well as a very, very worked and distorted sense of certain things, and I think you and your daughter needs some therapy. You keep this garbage up, and she’s going to go live with your ex on a permanent basis, and when she gets old enough to she’ll have no contact with you.

NTA. What’s the @#$& are people thinking calling you an AH for not allowing your daughter to go on a trip that she hasn’t earned through her behavior or her actions. I don’t know if these people are all a bunch of entitled babies, but in my family if we behave the way your daughter has, not only would we not go on trips but we’d probably lose a lot of other privileges as well. She’s only 13 now. If you allow this behavior to continue, can you just imagine what she’ll be like when she gets to be 16, 17? You’ll be lucky if she doesn’t come home pregnant. If I were you, I would stick to your guns and not allow her to go on the trip. She needs to understand the consequences of her actions. I think she also needs to get some mental health counseling. The fact that your younger daughter is afraid of the “punishment” she will get from her older sister is very concerning. Good luck – you are not the AH here, you’re the better parent.

Your daughter’s “problem” behaviors sound developmentally age-appropriate. Parenting is HARD, and kids don’t pop out with an instruction manual. You may both benefit from ongoing family counseling, and you might want to consider taking classes (or even just watching videos made by licensed professionals) in child and teen development. Hang in there, and try to place yourself in her shoes… being a teen is hard, too. Spend at least 20-30 minutes with her every day, just the two of you, chatting about how her day went, good things that happened, bad things, gossip about her friends, whatever she might want to talk about. Don’t bully her to talk, though, just give her space to do so. It may take a while. Explain to her that you want to turn over a new leaf, and change your adversarial relationship. She may not believe you at first, but keep at it gently over time.

Are you or hubby incapable of taking the trash cans out? This is an adult job NOT a girl 12 turned 13 job. Is there ANYTHING you can exchange for that job? Communicating with her and making it a dual decision? In our blended family of 7 kids, not one was ever asked to do GARBAGE DUTY. They are grown kids with grown kids of their own now and only on rare occasions they say has any one ever asked one of theit children (17 total) to be the GARBAGE Transporter. Also, they are neatnicks now but we closed their room door as teens snd no one was clothing and cover cop. You are riding this child’s ass so much that you do not even see the hateful pattern you are setting up. Please get therapy.

I would do the same thing you have, but not punished her for going to eat with her friend. She wanted to have a good time at the dinner, however, she should have answered your calls and texts instead of ignoring them. Now that the trip is reinstated, she needs to continue to behave and do her chores without an attitude. Remind her of this. My kid had some problems with his behavior in the neighborhood. He was encouraged by kids at school to do bad stuff. He was grounded for a long time, his computer and phone taken away for a long time. I had to tell him that not all peers are his friends. NTA. Disciplining your kid is what you are supposed to do. And parents make mistakes.

I think it’s a slight YTA. I think “do everything we say” is a very broad catch-all, and doesn’t get her necessarily associating every single word you say with the trip at all times. If you narrowed it down to say, the list you just provided, that would be much simpler and straightforward to follow. In your story above, you are mad at her for something that wasn’t on the list of 4 examples you just gave. It’s hard to punish someone for grey area things that make you upset, especially if you’re not giving clearly defined rules.

If one of the things you told her she has to do was eat dinner together with the family, then again you could easily point to that.

This is the mom who will be making a post in 4 years asking why her daughter went no contact with her. I see nothing here that isn’t normal teen behavior. And all being that strict is going to do is teach her daughter to lie and sneak around. Setting boundaries and rules is absolutely necessary but you need to leave room for the fact that your teen is a teen. Keep an open dialogue with them instead of complete authority. And pick your battles.

INFO:

How does she speak to you? Is she disrespectful, cursing, generally just a jerk to be around? A lot of the things listed sound like normal teenage things. If theres attitude and blatant disrespect involved, it takes it up a notch for me.

What other punishments have you tried? A trip like this sticks with someone as a happy memory, I think taking it away could be a nuclear option if nothing else has been tried.

NTA! These folks are crazy. The peace-out while everyone else is in position, not responding to “where are you” after leaving the group area and playing you against each other by responding to the other parent

Are exactly the type of selfish, immature behavior that will put her in danger on a group trip. If you can’t hang out and communicate with your group for an evening event, a longer trip will be a disaster.

You’re obviously insane, that said, NTA, on this trip thing. You are an asshole for going online to figure out how to discipline your daughter for possibly the first time ever tho. She’s old enough that you should have figured it out by now, yet, here you are, running to strangers on the internet for hard advice at raising a kid. Figure it out. She’s your daughter. Not ours. Get your shit together. NTA/TA

YTA. She’s a good kid with a bad sense of time, which is perfectly normal developmentally, and doesn’t like cleaning her room. And she texts with someone you don’t approve of. All normal teen behaviour. These are minor infractions. The grade 8 trip is a big deal. She will miss our on an important shared experience with her peers.

Maybe it’s time to teach a lesson in grace.

YTA because, based on this, you were not clear on what daughter was expected to do and for how long in order to earn the trip (look up SMART goals). The dinner was an outlier–a unique situation without clear expectations–so to take the trip away based on that alone doesn’t feel fair. 

Aside from all the rest of the stuff, what jumped out at me was the gobsmacking information that at the age of 13 (barely into her teens) this girl already has an ex-boyfriend!!! Seriously? My sons didn’t even go out with girls until they were 16. Surely that’s just asking for trouble

NTA. Kids need to learn that actions have consequences. This is the natural consequence of not doing what she needed to do. Everbody who is saying differently has not spent the past 22 years in a middle school classroom. Thank you for holding your daughter accountable.

YTA, when I read behavior issues I was thinking cussing, physical aggression, this is very mild. Consequences are no dessert for not eating dinner not canceling a trip for graduation. Consequences need to match the level of the behavior and yours was going nuclear.

YTA simply for taking away a trip.

She’s graduating middle school once, even CPS doesn’t recommend punishing your child from a once in a lifetime thing.

So no taking away prom, dances, trips, etc. Find some other way to punish your daughter.

NTA. I’m not nearly eloquent enough for a satisfactory response, but chores, honesty, and treating people well are life skills and you’re looking out for her in the long term.

Teenage girls should all be locked up until freshman year of college. I can’t even read the rest! I’ll I can do is bless you. Try to get yo own thinking ready for the fire!

>I guess this makes me a better parent now?

You seem incredibly spiteful. YTA, big time. Keep doing you, and post back in 5 years about your child going LC lol

I get it. She has to grow up to her current age and handle chores etc but that’s nothing. Far from behaviour(major) issues in my humble opinion. Let her go

Graduation?? It’s 8th grade. Wait and go after high school. 8th grade graduation is as ridiculous as kindergarten or elementary school graduation.

A 13 year old acting like a 13 year old, who would’ve thought? I’m more concerned as to why they’re so afraid of telling their parents the truth.

NTA. Of course she will be distraught. It’s a natural reaction to something one is looking forward to taken away.

You have a perfectly normal teenager. Things could be so much worse, she simply being 13. Lighten up mom.