Her plea for help, a simple request for daily support, was met not with understanding but with unexpected resistance. In that moment, the fragile line between partnership and solitude blurred, revealing the unspoken struggles beneath their seemingly equal life.
My fiancé and I go 50/50 on everything financially, and we both have good jobs — I actually earn a bit more than he does. We live together and have two large dogs (a Golden Retriever and a Border Collie), so our house gets messy pretty quickly with all the fur and daily life.
When we first moved in, I took on most of the cleaning and cooking. I used to enjoy cooking for him, and we’d sometimes order takeout when I was too tired. But after months of juggling work, house chores, and cooking — sometimes even having to cook while in the middle of meetings — I burned out.
Completely.
Eventually, we agreed to hire a part-time maid, which isn’t expensive where we live (outside the US). It helped a lot, but the maid doesn’t come every day, and when she doesn’t, I usually make breakfast for both of us and serve it before he wakes up.
Recently, I brought up the idea of hiring someone to clean every weekday to help keep the house in shape and take some pressure off me. He got really upset and said it wasn’t necessary, that I’m being lazy, and that I’m trying to avoid any responsibility for housework.
That made me furious.
I told him I’ve done more than my share for a long time. When I used to cook, he would wash the dishes — but let’s be real, cooking a full meal is a lot more work than just washing dishes.
I said I wanted to feel taken care of too, not just be the one doing everything. He still thinks it’s not justified to have daily help and that I should do more around the house.
I told him I find it unfair that we split finances 50/50, I work full-time, and he still expects me to be the one taking charge of the house chores. It feels like he’s not willing to make things easier for me even though we can afford it.
Edit: he says being able to afford it doesn’t mean we should do it. He’s annoyed i’ve been doing less and less in the house (i’m a woman btw), and giving more responsibility to the maid rather than doing it myself.
But honestly it’s been heaven waking up to food on my plate and not having to worry about crossing my meetings with cooking time. He says I’m just avoiding basic adult everyday stuff.
Conclusion
The original poster is experiencing severe burnout due to taking on the majority of domestic labor, despite an equal financial contribution to the household. Her central conflict is the fiancé’s refusal to support her request for increased paid domestic help, which she views as necessary for her well-being, interpreting his objection as a lack of willingness to share the burden or value her workload.
Given the established financial equality and the OP’s burnout, is it reasonable for her to unilaterally decide to hire daily cleaning help to maintain her work-life balance, or does her fiancé have a valid point that the financial ability to outsource chores does not negate personal responsibility for basic household upkeep?
Here’s how people reacted:
Tell him if he wants to split all household work with you 50/50 every single day, then you are happy to drop the idea. You can decided to dedicate 30-45 minutes where you both clean the house, together, daily, in order to keep up. You can also divide up all house chores, so that you each are responsible for half. If you get bored, you can swap chores.
You should also expect him to do 50% of the cooking going forward. Just because you like cooking sometimes, that doesn’t mean it should always be your job. In a good relationship, you wouldn’t need to be so specific about the 50/50 because everyone would contribute in their own ways. Unfortunately, it sounds like he’s selfish and entitled and doesn’t contribute to your partnership and home much at all, and that’s a problem I wouldn’t want to be saddled with that for life.
IMHO, you don’t need to do more around the house. He does.
She was live in but had a lovely bedroom with full bath and living room in an airy and bright basement. So she had her own space to be in when not working.
She practically walked behind us cleaning. I taught her how to cook but she never really made a meal, just a dish. She loved making scalloped potatoes from a French cookbook, so we had them a fair amount.
Maybe start with twice a week? I loved having someone come Tuesday and Friday so things were clean for the weekend. Admittedly I had three small dogs and it was nice when she walked them.
Perhaps have a private chef make some meals for you each week so you only need to reheat?
But his attitude about the household being solely your responsibility really sucks and is going to cause a lot of resentment.
Tell him you will put exactly the same effort that he does into the house and marriage. If he is unwilling to step up and help around the house, then you have to ask when to draw the line. And even ask yourself if it’s worth continuing the marriage.
Do you plan to have children? Cause you also have to consider how much he would actually do in raising them. At this point in time I would say, probably none. So that would be even more on your plate. Hell, considering he doesn’t want to pay for services, he would probably expect you to quit your job and do it all.
The single most common mistake I see women make in relationships is taking on the household chores when couples start living together. Once that dynamic is established, a man has no incentive to change it.
At some point, it becomes more financially sensible to outsource cleaning. Daily cleaning helps a house stay in better condition, longer. Compare the hourly rate for a cleaning service vs. your own compensation. Compare replacing carpeting every 10 years vs. 15. Even compare the cost of cooking at home vs. going out, because you’re not exhausted.
As for your relationship, I’ll stay out. Maybe you don’t feel like sharing that he can lick his own eyebrows or something.
He’s no partner. Red flags everywhere.
Make up a chore chart. If you can afford it, pay for a maid to do your half.
Don’t do any of his chores.
You are creating your problem by continuing to do the things you don’t want to do. Stop. Do the chart.
Hire a maid to do your portion
Let him fend for himself for once. He’s not a baby he’s just acting like one
Manage your own money and pay half the bills.
I don’t know who these men are that think that the woman is supposed to do the housework. Especially if you’re 50/50 financially or you make more.
He wants you to take the more traditional wifey role because he-man, you-woman, but you’re paying extra for a maid which just rubs it in (in his mind) that you can afford to because you out-earn him.
Cook for yourself. Do your laundry. Clean the spaces you frequent. He can pick up the damn slack.
But overall I think you should dump this douchenozzle.
“Why do we need to hire a maid? We already have one. You. …Wait, you want ME to step up and help out more?? HA! No, you’re just lazy.”