Returning home, the chaos left behind was a silent testament to neglect—a wilting garden that once bloomed with care now lay forgotten, much like her spirit. The shattered remnants of her cherished plants echoed the unraveling of a bond strained under the weight of illness and hardship, leaving her to face not only her recovery but the emotional wreckage beside her.
Last week I was in the hospital for seven days, during that time I had severe pain, nausea, vomiting, and I was also simultaneously diagnosed with HSV – one, but because I am immuno compromised the ulcers went into my oesophagus and digestive tract as well as stomach.
I could not eat or drink during this time my husband came and visited me three out of the seven days I was there the maximum amount of time he spent with me was two hours and during that time he was distant, frustrated, just in general not happy to be there.
I grew up with a mother that has a chronic illness, so I am of the opinion that when your partner is ill and in the hospital, you stick by their side. A little aside, my husband lost his job back in January so he currently is unemployed.
For the most part, I was willing to let the hospital visit slide, but when I got home, the house was a complete disaster, my treasured plants that I had taken such care of were wilted, and some of them died.
One of my plants had lost 90% of its leaves due to the fact that it had not been watered enough . My husband admitted that the house was a mess, but then he spent the rest of the day playing video games.
I was still too unwell to take care of anything fast-forward two days later the weekend comes and I spend my Saturday and Sunday getting the house back in order with little to no help from him.
I will admit he did vacuum the stairs. He vacuumed the kitchen, and he did a load of laundry, but if you know, deep cleaning, you know he did the bare minimum.
I finally confronted him on Sunday and let him know that I was entirely disappointed in the entire week and felt like he had dropped the ball, his response was to tell me that I’m stupid, that I’m lazy, that I do nothing, that I have no friends, that there is a reason everyone dislikes me and leaves me.
He said he would be happier without me. He sent me an entire list of the things that he did during the week long stay in the hospital and they included things like drove 30 minutes to Hospital, brought her things she needs, walked the dogs, dusted and vacuumed.
I know for a fact, he did not dust or vacuum because when I did it, it was filthy. But really, that isn’t the point, the point is that he put visiting me as a chore on his list. He has no problem sitting for hours in an emergency room with our dog but the second I’m sick.
It’s like he’s nowhere to be found. I’m tired of feeling unsupported.
He says that I am a reactive abuser, and that I specifically look for fights when I’m bored. the reality is that I just want a husband that contributes enough that I feel like he can actually support me when I’m sick and my greatest concern is that if we ever had children That I would not get the support I need.
I will admit after being insulted over and over again. I finally called him an asshole and I told him that he was a jobless fuck. I have since apologized four times for that, but this time he is not backing down he refuses to take any accountability for what he said to me.
he believes he gets cart Blanche because of the fact that I started the “fight”- he believes everything he says to me. I don’t even know what I’m looking for posting this honestly because I feel like I’m slapping myself in the face with the divorce papers.
I am undervalued and underappreciated and at this point I feel completely crazy and I constantly question whether or not, I am valid in my own feelings now. I came to my husband with criticism and he couldn’t hack it.
He now calls me a liar and a manipulator. Is there any salvaging this am I the asshole? What would you do?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is experiencing profound feelings of being unsupported and undervalued, particularly after a serious hospitalization, which was compounded by her husband’s perceived lack of care both in the hospital and at home. The central conflict lies between the OP’s expectation of partnership and dedicated support during illness, rooted in her past experiences, and her husband’s minimal contribution, followed by severe verbal aggression when confronted.
Given the husband’s refusal to take accountability for deeply abusive language and the OP’s resulting crisis of self-worth, the core question remains: Can a relationship survive when one partner meets a vulnerability crisis with extreme verbal abuse, and if so, does the OP’s reactive insult, despite her apology, permanently negate her initial, legitimate grievance about lack of support?
Here’s how people reacted:
But well if he is offering to go to couples counseling then why not? Just so long as it is not a religious based counseling since those are actively harmful, and one which is neutral. Then it doesnt hurt. Like your options are to deal with this in counseling or just divorce him. You are not going to yell at him or berate him into seeing reason. So just go to therapy and have him take a second look at himself. And you at your self whilst you are at it. It might help the relationship it might hasten the divorce but either are a resolution which is good.
Newsflash for ‘husbands’ like OP’s, doing the absolute bare minimum and weaponised incompetence doesn’t mean you’re off the hook, it means your partner gets pissed off they’re stuck with a useless and pathetic excuse of a person when they thought they married a competent adult. The anger of OP should have been a wake up call that this was all that’s left of her emotional investment in this failing relationship. But no, the husband couldn’t even take responsibility for that, the same way he couldn’t take responsibility for maintaining the household, or even watering some plants…
NTA
Couples therapy is actually a good idea, and that IS his taking accountability. He’s suggesting you *both* need help with your relationship. He’s not saying he’s perfect, and only you need therapy.
However if you’re done, you’re done, and NTA if you are.
So basically I think no matter what you decide you need a lot of therapy.
Maybe you just have drained everything from him for years and he is still trying.
It sounds like you need to get a divorce ASAP. Having kids with him is a horrible idea. Don’t wait until you have kids at a critical stage in their education to start a messy divorce and ruin their childhood with a custody battle where he accuses you of abuse to try and keep the kids away from you.
You were in a bad situation and he felt you placing more burdens on him and even criticizing the stuff he was done. He is choosing not to stick it out with you.
That’s life in 2025. If he lost his job and was a burden on you, would you stay with him?
That’s modern marriage. No till death do us part. No being grateful for what you do have. No loyalty…
Is he an asshole? Yes. But so are most people in modern marriage.
Divorce sounds like it would free you from his shackles and improve your quality of life significantly. (Less money to spend on him, less work in the home, and the chance to find actually good company.)
He would put therapy down on his list of “chores.”
You need to divorce this free-loader as soon as possible and get your self-respect back.
NTA, but have some pride. I’m guessing he wasn’t some perfect angel *before* you got sick, amiright???
Then file for Divorce.
NTA
Why are you with a man who clearly doesn’t care about you? Seems like he’s only with you because you’re financially supporting his jobless ass
No one deserves this kind of treatment. Divorce. Move on.
In fact, I would drop them as a hot potato.
“In sickness and in health” really is optional for some people.
Rage bait indeed.
NTA