Torn between conflicting desires and responsibilities, she chooses to keep her baby despite his wishes, confronting the painful reality of separation and the complex dynamics of parenthood. Their story is a poignant testament to resilience, choice, and the silent strength it takes to redefine family on one’s own terms.
I (30F) am a white American woman. My ex-boyfriend, the father of my daughter (30M) is Chinese-American. We began dating our junior year of college, and after graduation moved in together.
We eventually got serious enough to consider marriage, and I began learning Chinese as a way of connecting to his culture and family. I’m not totally fluent, but I can hold fairly complex conversations.
When we were 25, I found out I was pregnant (oopsie). He wanted me to get an abortion, but I ultimately decided to keep my child. I was uncomfortable with termination, and was in a solid enough financial position to support a kid, with a good foundation of emotional support from my parents.
But he told me that he wasn’t interested in being a father. Personally, I’m of the belief that if a woman can unilaterally decide to abort, a man can decide not be uninvolved with his child’s life.
We broke up, and while it was heartbreaking and very difficult, it was the best move for both of us – we were no longer on compatible paths. Though he doesn’t have custody, he does sometimes visit his daughter.
Something I was very cognizant of, once I realized that I was going to be single-parenting, was that I was going to be a white mother with a child of color, raising her with very little contact with her Chinese family.
I know that many children in this scenario can struggle with cultural identity, and I wanted to do what I could to ensure that my daughter isn’t totally disconnected from her Chinese roots.
I made sure to keep up my Chinese language skills, learned to cook Chinese dishes, and – when my daughter was born – made sure to take her to Chinese cultural events and things like that.
I’ve been attempting to raise my daughter with some skill in Chinese language. I speak to her in Chinese, watch Chinese TV with her, and have recently started giving her some kiddy workbooks in Chinese language.
Last time her father visited, though, he was very upset to see those workbooks in my home. He told me that Chinese culture isn’t mine to impart on my daughter, and that any form of Chinese culture I try to engage in with my daughter will be completely unauthentic.
He said that, though DNA-wise my daughter is Chinese, she functionally has no real cultural connection to China, and that it’s super cringey of me to try. He told me to stop, and that it should be his decision, as it’s his culture.
I told him no. I don’t think he’s really thinking about what’s best for our daughter. But I also recognize that it’s his culture, not mine, so maybe I should listen to him?
Conclusion
The original poster is deeply invested in ensuring her daughter maintains a connection to her Chinese heritage, driven by her own efforts to learn the language and culture. This creates a direct conflict with the ex-boyfriend, who asserts that only he has the cultural right or authority to introduce Chinese culture to their daughter.
Is the mother overstepping boundaries by actively promoting her daughter’s Chinese cultural identity, or is the father unfairly gatekeeping heritage access, especially given his limited involvement in the child’s life? Where does the responsibility for cultural transmission lie in a single-parent household?
Here’s how people reacted:
I made an account to comment on this since in my opinion everyone is looking at this wrong.
As someone who is not a member of chinese culture you will never really be able to make your child a member of that culture and your EX is right in this regard. She will always be missing huge parts of the culture as there are things you will never be able to teach her. Her culture is going to be American as aside from teaching her another language and going to some cultural festivals that’s all shes going to know. I don’t think you are doing a bad thing but I do think your ex’s perspective that its cringy and unauthentic is valid especially if he is just seeing workbooks. As an Arab American if someone was trying to impart “Arab” culture based on language, food and a few festivals I would would definitely think it was pretty cringy and unauthentic.
I think you are right that she may struggle with cultural identity but I don’t think what you are doing will necessarily help and may alienate her more. As someone who struggled with my cultural identity for me it was more of the division of identity where I don’t fully fit into American culture and don’t fit into Arab culture. It took realizing that I fit culturally in more with children of immigrants to really figure that out.
That said I don’t think you are doing anything wrong and don’t think you should stop. Maybe just look at it less as imparting Chinese culture on your daughter and think about it as learning a second language together and eating yummy food since no one can find fault with you for either of those things 🙂
here’s the thing: he chose to not be fully involved in his daughter’s life. whatever arrangement you two have that works for you is one thing, but he made the decision to not be involved in raising her.
likewise, chinese culture does not belong to him and him alone and he does not get to unilaterally decide who learns the language or about the culture. i am not swedish but if i want to learn swedish and about swedish culture am i coopting that? i would say no and i think the majority of good sense people would agree that learning and becoming more worldly in whatever ways available to you is literally never a bad thing.
but not only that, this is part of who your daughter is. if you want to give her to tools to be connected to the chinese parts of who she is who the entire fuck is he to decide if that’s right or wrong? it’s possible that in time she will decide she won’t care or isn’t interested or, inversely, that she cares very much! in the case of the former that’s on her and she can choose to no longer use the language. in the case of the latter i would say she’ll be very grateful you got her started when she was so young.
One of my friends is Finnish-Japanese. His japanese dad never taught him the language or about the culture, even if he asked and he had to learn the language hard way; through university. His dad came around only when he was already 23 and started speaking to him in Japanese. My friend has always been bitter about the fact that he didn’t even have a choice.
Overall I think your daughter should have the biggest impact on what you two do as a parents; does she want to keep up with her Chinese heritage? If yes, then that’s what both of you will do. It’s not his choice to not teach her if he’s capable of doing it, and it’s not your choice to teach her if she says she’s not interested. As easy as that.
But I raise my hat to you, OP, for trying! You’re a great mom for doing a lot for her. 🙂
I went to Chinese school which was a once a week thing on a Saturday and got to connect with a lot of kids, including fully Chinese kids adopted by white parents and half Chinese kids. To be honest, there were also people there who didn’t even have a connection to being Chinese who was just interested in learning and the culture. Sure, there were some close-minded people who judged them, but for the most part, many people at the school were very supportive and it was a great community environment.
He chose not to be part of your daughter’s life for the most part, so he doesn’t get a say in how you raise her.
First of all, learning about a different culture is not prohibited for white people. Had your daughter been 100% Swedish, it would still be super cool to know Chinese and be cognizant of the culture.
Second, your daughter is a POC. That is her’s genetically. Her father can no more “revoke” her right to her heritage than he can make others see her as not Asian.
Finally, if he relinquished his right to be her father and to raise her, then he relinquished his right to have input into how she is raised. He can cringe all he wants. His opinion on her learning Chinese is as valid as his opinion on her learning ballet.
Keeping her monolingual will just ensure she stays isolated from her Chinese family should she ever wish to get involved with her extended family. And frankly I wouldn’t be surprised if that was part of why you ex has his nose bent out of shape. She can’t get close to grandma if they don’t speak the same language, and if she’s not close to that side of the family they are less likely to get on his case about abandoning her and you. Visiting sometimes doesn’t sound like he sees her super often, right?
Also, over a billion and a half people speak a dialect of Chinese. Even if she wasn’t Chinese-American, it would be good for her to learn the language! Teach her a Romance language, too, and she’ll have some serious skills later in life.
You’re broadening your daughter’s cultural horizons in a very positive way and that is always a good thing.
NTA
He doesn’t get to claim a culture as only his to do with what he will and you’re not appropriating it in any way whatsoever.
God, he’s an asshole.
“I don’t want to be her father figure.”
But in the same breath
“I want to make a decision on how she is raised.”
Like the fuck? Whatever he smoking I want some as well cause I wanna get fucked up too.