Amid this cold atmosphere, Sarah carries a weight far heavier than office stress—grieving the recent loss of her mother to cancer. Her pain is a silent undercurrent in the daily grind, a profound sorrow that contrasts sharply with Mark’s harshness. The office, a place meant for collaboration and support, becomes a crucible where human fragility meets unyielding cruelty, highlighting the stark divides between empathy and indifference.
I work in an office about 100, and a team of about 30. I have a coworker, “Mark”, who is about 55ish. I don’t think he’s a very nice person. He is always making snide comments about other coworkers, hates poor people and thinks that if you’re poor it is purely because you’re an idiot, makes derogatory jokes about women and anyone non-white.
Lots of people try to keep their distance, and it seems he is generally disliked.
Management doesn’t do anything no matter how many times coworkers complain about his behaviour (and they have), presumably because he works very long hours without asking for extra pay because as he admits he has “nothing better to do”.
He is single, no kids, and has said openly he doesn’t really have friends, just work colleagues and some family. I would feel sorry for him if he wasn’t nasty to people.
Another coworker, “Sarah” (about 30) lost her mom to cancer about 2 months ago. I’m not close to Sarah but everyone knows it was a really horrible ordeal, and she is sometimes visibly upset in the office.
When Sarah was visibly upset yesterday, Mark said “Jesus she needs to get over it, everyone dies! She’s bringing everyone down. She needs to be professional, it’s pathetic”.
It was said in a very harsh way. I don’t think Mark intended Sarah to hear but she did, she got upset and left the office (only ended up being for about 20 minutes).
I was sick of Mark’s terrible comments and said “for god’s sake you’re such a DICK!! You’re just bitter nobody will give a shit when *you* die!”
I walked away before he could respond. We’ve been angrily avoiding each other since. I assume Sarah knows what I said because it’s the “office gossip” right now but I don’t know her opinion, though I know Mark is PISSED.
Other coworkers are split. Some think Mark got what he deserved, others have said that what I said was one of the worst things anyone can ever say, especially as it is likely true because he’s generally alone in life (by his own admission) and has nobody close to him.
AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) reacted strongly to a coworker’s callous comment directed at another employee grieving a recent loss, leading to a direct, aggressive confrontation. The central conflict lies between the OP’s defense of a vulnerable coworker and the use of deeply personal and hurtful insults against the aggressor, which has now polarized the workplace regarding the appropriateness of the OP’s response.
Was the OP justified in using harsh, personal language to defend a grieving coworker against severe emotional insensitivity, or did their actions cross an unacceptable line by reciprocating cruelty, even if motivated by a sense of justice?
Here’s how people reacted:
I’m not sure why but imo the fact he made that comment regarding Sarah’s parental loss reduces it from ESH to NTA as he specifically made a cruel comment regarding missing someone who’s died. For Sarah it would be devastating, but for it to be spelt out back to him such an obvious fact that this exact behaviour would mean that people won’t mourn him like Sarah does for her parent, idk it sounded like it would just be a stinging insult that coincided with the topic at hand and nothing more.
Overall, you’re the kind of person I’d be proud to have as a friend and I can see why you did that to highlight to him that if he doesn’t step up his act, no ones gonna give a shit about him. And that’s the hard truth. You just stated a harsh fact. Also your company culture seems to breed assholes with they way they coddle him so 😬 escape when you can !
This is kind of why I hate corporate environments. On my old team there was a man about 55+ who would hit on any white woman (most of us were late 20s/ early 30s). He used to send them personal emails using his work email to invite them to bars/concerts with him. My mom has been in HR my whole life (Director at a pharmaceutical company) so I emailed HR and let them know what was happening. The women they interviewed said they didn’t mind that he was hitting on them everyday and misusing the company email. I (31F) only even made the comment to our HR after listening to these women complain EVERYDAY about his behavior, some of them had altered their schedules to not be in when he was/ started wearing headphones all of the time to avoid chitchat. So it was frustrating when it was finally their chances to speak up (five women on my team alone) and none of them chose to say anything.
You called the office asshole out on being an asshole. You did the right thing. It’s annoying that your coworkers who presumably would have had the same interactions with him all of the sudden are fine with this behavior. He is being openly racist and shitty and HR has done nothing. Good for you. Now, could it have been worded a little better? Probably. But I totally understand the built up frustration.
Also, if that is the worst shit these people have heard anyone say then they must live under a rock.
You do owe Mark an apology because YOU were rude and adults model good behavior for the immature folks: ‘I’m sorry I lost my temper. When you insulted and harassed Sarah for her grief, it really bothered me and I was rude to you. I should have said, ‘You’re being a bully. Stop it.’
I don’t like people who tell someone to treat an AH with kindness, be the bigger person, if they’re an AH, they’re gonna get the taste of their own medicine.
This is what happens when management lets shitty behavior slide. It’s illegal for him to work without pay, but it benefits the company so they overlook it.
This guy hit adulthood in the 80s; he knows he’s behaving shitty. Probably started by pushing the boundaries to see what he could get away with and when the answer was “anything”… well, here you are.
You could have taken this as an opportunity to come out against him in mass. Instead, you’ve split the effort.
So congrats, you’ve played yourself, and ensured Sarah will be forced to share a space with Mark.
Edit: Spelling
Obviously Mark is an asshole and a loser. But you were also an asshole. I think you were more than justified, but that doesn’t stop what you said from being cruel. You lowered yourself to his level.
Hopefully it can act as a wake up call for him though.
> others have said that what I said was one of the worst things anyone can ever say
I’d say what he said is one of the worst things you can say to someone. Fuck that guy, he deserves it.
It’s tough, but killing sour people with kindness is the best thing you can do.