Their journeys, though different, are bound by an unbreakable sisterly bond and the silent struggles that come with charting one’s own destiny. Amidst the quiet sacrifices and triumphs, their story reveals the profound courage it takes to live authentically in a world that often demands conformity.
My sister and I are twins (33F). We come from a culture where arranged marriages are an option (not India). Mostly they are blind dates set by a matchmaker. And if you are compatible you marry.
When we both graduated highschool, my sister (who was valedictorian BTW) chose not to attend college. She asked for an arranged marriage since all she wanted to be was a wife and mother (nothing wrong with that).
My parents (who are a love match) tried to convince her to at least get her bachelor’s. She refused. I on the other hand started attending an engineering college (computer engineering).
A year later she married a man that she met through the matchmaker. He is a very nice man, a teacher and treats my sister like a queen. The thing is he was just a freshly hired teacher.
My sister went from living in a double income house with parents being both high earners (a doctor and a lawyer) to a single income house on a teacher’s salary.
I graduated at 23, started working as a cyber security personnel for a big bank. After 2 years of dating around, I too asked for an arranged marriage.
My husband is a business owner (real estate developer) and he makes a lot more than I do. He also comes from money.
My sister didn’t like him from the get go, she even threw a tantrum (thankfully in private) in my wedding. Apparently the bride gifts he brought were tacky (more like very expensive, more than what yer husband could get her).
The problem is that my first child is now at the age where she will be starting pre-school, we signed her for a private school. The monthly tuition is more than what her husband makes.
When she heard this she just exploded. She was ranting about how it’s not fair that our kids will not have equal opportunities, how the only reason I could live like I do was that my parents chose a better husband for me.
I became angry, for how she treats me, how unfair she was to her husband and my parents, so I laid the truth on her, I told her I got matched with a better husband because I am a college educated woman with a respectable job, and that wealthy men using matchmakers don’t want 19 years old highschool graduates, their standards are higher.
I told her that her husband is a wonderful man who loves her, but if all she wanted was wealthy man she should have gone to college.
Now she is NC with me, she says that I am an elitist AH.
So AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is facing a severe rift with her twin sister following a harsh confrontation about financial status and educational choices related to their respective marriages. The core conflict lies in the sister’s resentment over the perceived disparity in marital outcomes, which the OP addressed by directly linking her success to her higher education and professional career, essentially validating her choice over her sister’s earlier decision to forego college for an arranged marriage.
Did the OP cross a line by explicitly stating that her educational achievements directly resulted in a more financially advantageous marriage compared to her sister’s choice, thereby invalidating her sister’s life path? Or was the OP justified in defending her circumstances against her sister’s accusations of unfairness regarding their children’s opportunities?
Here’s how people reacted:
However this is your twin and instead of sitting down and discussing what was really bothering her you lashed out and called her education level into question. Some people can be well educated yet still be dumb when it comes to social skills. What’s really bothering your sister? Is her marriage not going well? Has your husband done something that raised a flag so she doesn’t think he’s worthy of you with or without money? Is her being raised in a wealthy household then going to middle income making her question her own self worth as a wife and mother so her self esteem is low?
There could be all sorts of nuances here to her feelings that you dismissed with your education jab. She can still go to school and learn just as much or more than you. Heck she can do that outside of school if she desired. Also her husband could invent the next great whatever and be the next multi billionaire who knows. Bottom line is she’s your sister and while lashing out and poking at each other is fine when you are kids, you are both adults now and should be able to have frank and honest discussions without resorting to insults.
Edit typos
It sounds like you have been trying to gently tell her that she is in her current situation because of her choices, and we all have to accept responsibility for the choices that we make, regardless of how long ago in the past it was.
Plus, matchmaker or no matchmaker, it takes time and experience in whatever industry you’re in, to climb up to a higher status/role and therefore earn more. Your husband at 25-26 would have had more experience than hers at 19-20, therefore, netting higher pay. No one is going to pay a 20yo brand new teacher the same salary as the senior staff who have been there for as long as he’s been alive. If she wanted a high-earning partner right away she would have been a 19yo looking for men in their like 40s-50s and that’s gross
Also, I think you may be overestimating how much of your financial well being was good luck vs. hard work. Not to say you didn’t work hard. But so do a lot of people. And I think you are also overestimating how much of your sisters situation is due to poor choices. Even if she did what you did it could have ended up very differently.
Jealousy and regret are horrible emotions and I’m sure your sister is swamped with both. While her behavior is not great, compassion may have been a better option than telling her, essentially, that you are doing better because you are better.
* English is my 4th language and 100% self taught
* Apparently the bride gifts he brought were tacky (more like very expensive, more than what yer husband could get her)
* The monthly tuition is more than what her husband makes
I can already tell when you talk about your life with her you are giving her the business and making sure she knows how much better things are turning out for you in a very condescending way. “Oh sister, if you had just been like me and done this and that”.
She probably should just go NC with you for her own mental health.
She’s jealous/envious of your life because you decided to go through college and became successful. Also, how horrible she is to be talking about someone she presumably loves. Sounds like she was only marrying for money, not for love.
You told her point blank what it is. If she wanted a wealthy husband, she should’ve went to college. Her decisions/choices are the reason why her life is the way it is. Also, it’s her fault that her children won’t have the same opportunities as yours.
She’s jealous of you and your husband’s success. I don’t really know how matchmaking works, but if I were to use one as a university educated woman, I would want an equally educated partner, as we would be more compatible, especially in terms of life goals. My husband agrees, so I trust you that education plays a big role in matchmaking. And it sounds like her husband is a sweetheart, so she’s being an AH to him too.
Could you have been nicer? Probably, but why? She doesn’t sound like she is nice to you.
NTA