NTA People here are really missing a major point in that Lily would be a fucking nightmare for any Japanese person to pronounce. It’s not just an OP thing. No considerate partner would force a name like Lily on a Japanese partner since the L sound is a problem is pretty famous. There are so many jokes on this that it’s played out.

And it’s insensitive as fuck to suggest speech therapy so that he gets a name that your whole culture won’t be able to pronounce. For your own sake though, it might be nice to do speech therapy to teach you how to pronounce it properly since you’re not in Japan.

I think there is some bad blood and communication between the two of you. I have a feeling you feel disrespected by your husband and this is just another thing on top. Whether it’s disrespecting your culture or more generally you.

I will say that many parents call their kids by different names, like by their middle name. If your kids middle name was Daffodil, it wouldn’t be a big deal for him to be calling her Daffodil. So in that sense you’re overreacting a bit.

But again, I think it’s that there is resentment brewing because of other things and this is just another thing. Try couples counseling because just letting this fester won’t help and it sounds like you need a third party to help navigate this conversation.

NTA, but it has nothing to do with confusing your child. He’s calling her a name you’re unable to pronounce, and he went back on his word to you. That’s horrible.

My mom is named after her aunt Jackie, whose legal name was Theresa. Her aunt’s mom wanted to name her Theresa, her aunt’s dad wanted Jackie. The mom won and legally she was Theresa, but her dad called her Jackie anyway and it stuck. Now my mom is named Jackie.

We live in the US. My nephew has a common name that also has a common nickname. However, the British version of the nickname is totally different. His parents agreed that they didn’t like the American nickname and would never use it, but my BIL wanted to use the British nickname. My sister agreed but never uses it, ever, she always calls him by his full first name. Meanwhile, he’s in school now, and none of his classmates, teammates, or their parents even know what his first name is. They think the British nickname is his first name.

I give these examples – as do others on the thread – because there’s a very real chance she will choose to answer to and go by Lily if your husband keeps calling her that. He’s being inconsiderate of your feelings and it really sucks. Definitely NTA.

I wouldn’t go as far to say Y.T.A, but if you were in r/AmIOverreacting I would probably lean towards YOR (you’re overreacting).

Lots of people grow up with multiple names and nicknames. I myself went by my last name for all of my school years. One of my oldest friends, at some point early on, changed what people called him from his first name to his middle name. Only close people even know his actual first name.

Multiple names or nicknames are very common, and very rarely would they cause confusion. If your primary concern is that a nickname will negatively affect your daughter, then I don’t think you have anything to worry about.

However, I feel like your distaste for this far more stems from your inability to say the name, and that’s valid, but is your husband not allowed to have things with his daughter that are just for them? Does everything have to include both of you at all times?

I think this is being blown out of proportion. People are making out like he’s doing it maliciously, but I don’t think that’s true.

I get your perspective and your husband along with not being considerate of your needs and in fact being rude with a hint of racist when saying you could see a speech therapist, is probably saying the name wrong. Liv should actually be pronounced as Lif, it’s a Nordic name and that’s how they would say it. It’s also an awesome name.

Personally, I rarely ever call my kids by there real names, it’s not an issue, it’s just how it is. Heck one of my kids calls me by my name🤣

However, I can see why it annoys you. But, taking a step back I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong and he did eventually agree on her legal name being Hana.

I think the real issue here is that you feel -probably rightfully- a little disrespected by your husband. I think you need to focus on that and have a talk to see if you can come to a place of mutual understanding, respect and love again.

I guess I find it disrespectful of the husband to continue using a name he likes knowing his wife is unable to pronounce it. It strikes me as quite selfish that he is unwilling to let something small like a name (it would be different, in my opinion, if it honored a family member) go for the sake of his marriage. This begs the question for me of how many other things the husband is unwilling to consider in terms of his wife’s feelings. I may be down voted, but I think he’s the AH. It’s going to force the kid to choose some day, and the kid shouldn’t have to choose. If it were a matter of preference, it would be one thing. But this is because the mom cannot say the name. It’s purposely continuing to do something with baby knowing mom cannot participate in it, thus leaving her out.

YTA for refusing to improve, as if not being able to pronounce a letter is some kind of precious cultural heritage. What is so shameful about speech therapy? When I learn a different language, I also work on pronunciation. I don’t think that the way letters are pronounced in my language is the only correct way to speak, and there is no need to take unnecessary pride in it.

If your reason is that Lily is a name your family in Japan cannot pronounce or that you dislike the name and prefer Hana, that is completely valid. But refusing speech therapy as if that suggestion is an insult, and then refusing to name your child Lily because you can’t pronounce L is not.

My Japanese grandma had 4 kids with an Irishman who obviously named the kids. Daughter #1 has a name with an L at the start and end of her name. Grandma mispronounced her name every day of her life, with an R instead of an L sound. Honestly, I never even considered that it might have bothered Grandma.

By the way, Daughter #1 had me and gave me a name with a LL in the middle. Grandma pronounced it as DD my whole life. Never bothered me, just the way grandma said it.

And a final aside – I go by a nickname in daily life that my parents tried desperately for me to not pick up as a kid. But it’s what my high school friends called me, and it’s stuck since.

NTA

Speech therapy shouldn’t be something you’re offended by. It’s literally just to help you pronounce Ls. It would be beneficial for you in general, I don’t see why you’re so against it. Actors do it all the time.

You don’t need to call her Lily if you don’t want to, but being able to pronounce it will at least take away those negative feelings you have around it.

But he is being a dick about it. My sister didn’t name her kid Elijah bc my parents can’t pronounce it. They didn’t ask her not to. She just didn’t make a big deal and picked a different name. There doesn’t need to be so much drama imo.

OP, you can’t say a sound. If you want to be able to say the sounds in the language you are now speaking, go to a specialist for help learning.

Nicknames don’t confuse children and you already know this. You are just mad at your husband for liking a name you cannot pronounce. The mature answer is to accept it and revel in the fact that daddy has a sweet nickname for his baby girl. You DO like the idea of them being close, right?

If you want to improve your speech, go to a specialist. If you don’t, accept that people will sometimes prefer names you cannot say.

At first I thought, “no big deal, Dad’s often have nicknames for their daughters.” But this is different. OP has a very legitimate concern about this being a name she cannot pronounce. They talked about this and he agreed, now he is doing it anyways. There is a very real possibility that this will be the name that sticks and that the daughter will go by, and the OP will feel ridiculous mispronouncing her own child’s name. I’ll bet that if she had wanted to name their child something in Japanese that he cannot pronounce, he would feel the same as she does now.

YTA. “  I don’t feel like I have a speech impediment, it’s the way I was raised.” Clearly, you DO. Your entire country has it, and other countries don’t. So clearly, it’s a learned speech impediment. Your pride just won’t allow you to improve yourself so you don’t feel embarrassed. 
You’re also not giving your child enough credit in intelligence by thinking two names will confuse them. I’ll bey you’re teaching her Japanese, will you think teaching her English will confuse her too? She isn’t just YOUR child! Do better.

my wife is japanese. i’m not. our kids have a japanese and english name. the english one is what i call them at times and my wife never does. they go by their japanese names in all official documents and school etc. they love their english name as well and use with with select friends. they were never confused. kids minds are amazing and are sponges for words.

hiding it is horrible. but maybe compromise with a middle name that is off the books?

I know a woman who named her son something she can’t pronounce, so she just calls him by a Thai nickname. I also work with people who go by random names because one or both parents couldn’t pronounce the given name. They didn’t die from having multiple names and their parents didn’t get torn apart over it.

That being said, your husband is kind of a jerk for what he said to you. But also, you can each have a name for her.

As an American who grew up in Japan, it’s pretty cute that he calls her Lily when it is a type of flower. リリー is a very cute pronunciation.
Speech therapy is great if you wanted it but you arent broken.
If your husband is German there are sounds he cant say like the “th” from what I understand.
If your husband is French it will be much easier to find a slightly petty way to annoy him 😉
Even easier if イタリア人。

YTA. It seems like you chose to completely disregard her father’s heritage concerning everything around the child’s name. There was no European name you can pronounce? He couldn’t even get a middle name? And now you’re frothing over a nickname? Are his feelings completely unimportant to you? It seems like you rolled right over anything he wanted and now you’re doubling down. Good luck.

But I think it’s not fair that you agree on a name and your husband calls your daughter the name he likes. Seriously, man??

And, please, don’t call your children by a different name that their given one.

I ended up changing my name because everyone called me a name that wasn’t my given name, which I hated, BTW. But officially, I was like another person.

On one hand, a father having a nickname for his daughter that only he calls her by is classic and adorable.

But the way he went about it was underhanded and sneaky. If he had just been upfront with you and said, her name will be Hana, but I’d like to call her Lily as a special nickname just for us, and gotten you on board it would have been fine.

I was forced into agreeing on a name for my daughter, I didn’t like it but he did and I was left with little choice.

But I solved it the minute she was born when the midwife asked if I had a name on her for her… I shortened the name he wanted. Legally her name is the one he chose, but no one ever calls her that, just the shortened version.

Interesting. On the one hand the parents obviously didn’t come to a final conclusion about a name even though they say they did. On the other hand nicknames are pretty common, I call our 12yo “Fuzz” a lot. It’s just a nickname that happened. I think that’s fine but this definitely seems MORE than that.

I think this is a battle not worth fighting. If he were doing it all the time around others, that would be confusing. But just privately, at home, between father and daughter, it will not be confusing. In fact, quite the opposite. It’ll be her special little thing with dad, and that’s lovely to me.

English is my second language and yet, I took the time to learn how to properly pronounce words in the English language.

Lily is one of easiest words to pronounce if you took the time and practiced. But for some odd reason you are making excuses because of your culture??

My name is Chris(tine). In fun or as a term of endearment,

My mother calls me Sue.
My grandmother called me SusieQ.
My father calls me Sylvia.
An aunt calls me Sally.

But in serious conversation, they all call me Chris.

Perhaps come up with your own nickname for her?

YTA. It’s a special nickname between a man and his daughter. It’s not uncommon; it’s not disrespectful to you; you’re choosing to make an issue over this. This is not shill you need to die on; if you can’t pronounce it, that’s fine, because it’s not relevant to you.

YTA. My youngest sister’s name and what I call her are not even related at all. My dad has never called any of us by our given name. We all have a nickname. As long as he isn’t asking other people to call her that, stay out of it.

Having a personal nickname is fine. From my experience babies will generally adapt to both.

But the lying? the going behind your back? The utter disrespect to your points about pronounciation? Absolutely fucked up

ESH. Your husband is an idiot for not being honest. You in the other side, can’t decide alone. Let him have this. She can have two very beautiful names no? Y’all need to learn to compromise and TALK TALK TALK.

My bf is Japanese and he has no issues with the letter L, but he actually pronounces the R as L lmao, which part of Japan are you from? I’m a sucker for these phonetic differences 

You need to back down. This is very minor and will not negatively impact your child. But making this a big deal will negatively impact your relationship with your husband.

YTA

my brothers name is charles, but we call his zach (his middle name). dad wanted charles (family name), mom wanted zachary, so they gave both and call him Zach

Eh, it evolves over time. My daughters go by Shellbelle and Mooby. Not even in the ballpark of their given names lol (both in their 20’s)

No one is the a hole, maybe he just needs time to cope with this, and that you two just need some time to figure all this out

It’s highly disrespectful to you and your marriage. He sounds like a child and a fuckhead.

YTA – this is more about you than you’re making it to be about the child.

It’s his daughter too he can call her whatever the fuck he wants

NTA

Your husbands a selfish dick. Sorry not sorry. 

NTA. You married an idiot who doesn’t respect you.

NTA but your husband is. What a nightmare