When the birthday night arrived, carefully planned as a sacred space for just the girls, that boundary was shattered. His unexpected arrival wasn’t just an unwelcome surprise; it was a silent challenge to the trust and comfort they held dear, leaving the room heavy with unspoken questions and fragile emotions.
My (27F) friend (28F) recently got engaged. She’s the first one in our group to get engaged and we are very excited. Although we are very happy for her, we’ve noticed something a bit… odd.
Her fiancé is ALWAYS there. I mean, every event my friend is invited to, he’s there. Girls night out? He’s there. Weekend getaway? He’s there. Movie night with the gang? He’s there.
He. Is. Always. There. We are all singles so he’s the only guy in our chillings. For my birthday this year, I wanted to do a little dinner at one of the girl’s condo. Movies, boardgames, good food.
I really wanted it to be only girls since two of the group are religious (one jewish, one muslim) and would be able to remove their veil and dress “less modestly” (term they used).
So I specifically told my friend to NOT bring her fiancé as it is only girls. She told me “no problem, cant wait to be with you all”. WELL. Guess who showed up! Yup. Her fiancé. We were already all there at my friend’s condo and when I opened the door my friend was there with her fiancé.
She was about to come in when I stopped her. I told her that he shouldn’t be here, that it was girls only. She told me it wasn’t a big deal and he is always with us. I told her it was a big deal and she’s disinvited and she and her fiancé can leave.
She told me I was being ridiculous, a hypocrite and an asshole for doing this. She left and she stopped talking to me. Some of the girls told me it was an asshole move and I should’ve just let it go and let her in with her fiancé but I don’t agree.
AITA? PS : English is not my first language and I apologize for the potential mistakes. EDIT : A lot of people are asking me if they were like this while dating. No, her fiancé rarely showed up to anything when they were dating.
It all started when my friend got engaged.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) experienced significant frustration due to her friend consistently including her fiancé in events intended to be for the friend group alone, culminating in the fiancé’s unexpected appearance at the OP’s strictly planned girls-only birthday gathering. The central conflict arose when the OP enforced her boundary by asking the couple to leave, leading to accusations of hypocrisy and an immediate breakdown in communication with her friend.
Does the OP have the right to set firm boundaries for a private event, even if it means upsetting a close friend who prioritizes her fiancé’s constant presence over the stated purpose of the gathering, or should she have conceded for the sake of group harmony, given the friend’s established habit?
Here’s how people reacted:
You say he’s always been allowed at the girls nights, so it’s reasonable that your friend would think that it wouldn’t be a big deal if he showed up to this one. Yes, it’s weird that he always shows up, and yes she shouldn’t have brought him, since you specifically told her not to, but also, your reaction was too harsh. If the other friends said it was okay, then it sounds like you’re the only one who had a big problem with it, so you shouldn’t have told them both to leave the way you did.
My biggest problem with the way you handled it is that you were very aggressive and rude, when you could have said it much more politely. You could have explained why it was so important to have it only be girls night this time, and you could have asked just him to leave, but you didn’t. You went full nuclear option.
Edit: LOL I’ve never been downvoted so furiously and angrily by people for suggesting that someone be kind, especially to a friend who might be in a relationship with a controlling man, which everyone is assuming.
I mean seriously, y’all have never fucked up before? Never made your friends roll their eyes because of how cutesy you are with your boyfriend, or for blowing your friends off for your boyfriend at the beginning of a relationship? You never did the wrong thing?
No one ever made a big deal about this boyfriend coming before, and now it’s suddenly *get the fuck out of my house because you brought him*? Y’all really don’t think that could have been said a little better? Okay.
1. Its your birthday and you specifically requested GIRLS ONLY. That should be enough. Friends still need to make time for each other even if in a relationship. I’d never dream of taking my husband to a girls night, nor would he want to.
2. Your other friends religious requirements far outweigh her (seemingly) insecure need to have her man permanently by her side (or is it him being controlling and needy? Get to the bottom of it if you can) but all of your friends deserved to feel comfortable and 2 of them most certainly wouldn’t be able to relax as much . This is totally unfair and disrespectful of your engaged friend.
It just isn’t healthy to spend every minute with any person, partner or not. She will end up losing friends. People aren’t gonna feel free to speak openly etc infront of someone else’s partner
1. She agreed not to bring fiance but brought him anyway
2. She knows this is an ALL GIRLS night out. I can’t emphasize this enough
3. This is YOUR birthday celebration, you get to decide how you would want to celebrate it
Your friend is the one who is ridiculous, hypocrite, and huge a**h***. She’s insensitive enough to not consider whether all of her girlfriends are comfortable with her fiance being around all the time.
I’m not sure how you are being a hypocrite here unless you’re bringing your bf along to events he’s explicitly not invited to?
You set boundaries which she agrees to, then shows up anyways with him and expects to be let in? The girls that agreed aren’t at their own houses so it’s not on them to decide anything, and especially when you have religious friends that aren’t considered modest with him over.
She’s either *really* codependent or he’s super controlling, either way a girls trip where everyone is comfortable outweighs whatever’s going on in their relationship. You made the right decision.
and I ESPECIALLY commend you for kicking them both out, not just “she can come in, fiance is a guy”. She needs to be held responsible for stomping on a very strict guideline.
NTA.