In that charged silence, the weight of judgment and misunderstanding pressed down on her, threatening to unravel the bond she was building with Jax. Yet amidst the awkward glances and fractured smiles, her fiancé’s quiet defense became a lifeline, a reminder that love and loyalty might just be strong enough to weather this painful test.
I (24F) got proposed to 2 months ago. My fiancé Jax (28M) has a younger brother Jacob (23M) who I went to college with. When I was in college I slept around a lot and was pretty known for that.
My fiancé knew this and so did his brother. Jacob was a bit of a jokester so he liked to bring it up frequently. At family gatherings, birthdays, holidays, etc. My fiancé and his family often told him to stop when they saw I was uncomfortable with it.
Last night it was Jacobs birthday dinner. Me, my fiancé, a lot of his friends, and a few younger family members were there. Jacob started getting more drunk and started cracking unfunny jokes.
Some included him saying how he was surprised i never took the chance to sleep with him in college. Being fed up and a little bit drunk I told him i wouldn’t sleep with him if my life depended on it.
He got pissed and kept silent. The dinner was awkward for the rest of the time. My fiancé said and some of his family said that I didn’t do anything wrong and they even have been waiting for me to tell him that.
This morning I woke up to texts from Jacobs friends telling me I’m a whore and a bitch.
Conclusion
The original poster reached a breaking point regarding repeated, unwelcome comments about her past sexual history made by her fiancé’s brother, culminating in a sharp retort during a family dinner. While her fiancé and some family members supported her final stand, the immediate aftermath included harassment from the brother’s friends, leaving the OP feeling validated yet stressed by the social fallout.
Given the ongoing pattern of disrespect from Jacob and the subsequent harassment from his social circle, the central question remains: Was the OP justified in her harsh public response to finally enforce a boundary, or did her reaction escalate the situation unnecessarily, thereby creating new conflicts within the extended family dynamic?
Here’s how people reacted:
They’ve asked him to stop and he hasn’t stopped; now he’s escalated it to his friends sending you abusive misogynist messages.
Sit down with your fiance and ask him what he’s going to do about it. If he says “Well I already asked him to stop, what can I do?” then you tell him the following:
**You cannot control your brother’s behavior, nor am I asking you to. But you’ve asked him to stop and your brother refuses to change. Since** ***something*** **needs to change for this behavior to stop, and since it’s not going to be brother, it needs to be the rest of you.**
If you ask someone to do something once or twice and they refuse, you don’t just throw up your hands and say “Well, I tried!” You either decide you can live with it, or you change your behavior so that their refusal doesn’t impact you as much.
By continuing this dynamic, your fiance and his family are saying “well, this sucks and is horrible for OP, but I guess we can live with this.” They probably don’t *intend* to say this, so communicating this is key! (“Go along to get along” is just such an ingrained strategy, that’s why they probably don’t even realize they are OK’ing his behavior by doing so.)
I hope that your fiance and his family will see your point and be willing to change their behavior. I’d certainly encourage you all to strategize so you’re on the same page the next time this happens.
If fiance and/or family want to continue *their* behavior, well, then, again: The only person whose behavior you can control is you. And your choice is the same: Decide *I’m OK with this for the sake of family peace even though I’m being verbally abused*, or *I’m going to change my behavior toward this asshole*. And then tell (don’t ask) fiance and family about your decision, whether it’s that you’ll leave the room, blow an air horn at each comment, or just not attend.
Edit: yep, I missed the part where partner and family have spoken to him
Your future BIL is disgusting bully and his flying monkey brigade are a bunch of misogynist AHs.
Show your fiance the messages. FBIL has already been told it is unacceptable. He isn’t stopping for whatever creep reason. At this point, your fiance needs to deal with his brother’s behavior.
It’s not his job to announce information about your past to everyone and try to embarrass you. He’s done it several times, and everyone has told him to stop. So now he thinks you’re mean for finally standing up for yourself? How long were you supposed to take his harassment before saying something?
You may consider the decision that the next time he starts with this you leave and until he apologizes you don’t return to any family function.
If not – you and your fiance and your BIL to be need to figure out how to handle this because his behaviour is not acceptable at all.
“You used to be a whore!”
“I would never have sex with you”
Cue tantrum.
Send him a birthday card meant for an 8 year old. Inside, write, “Sorry I ruined your birthday and sorry you act like a child.”
Your sexual history doesn’t involve him. He needs to stick to talking about sex he was there for.