As the father watched his daughter speak with the boy scarred by an accident, he was forced to see beyond the innocent teasing and recognize the deeper impact of life’s unpredictable challenges. This encounter stirred a mix of protective instincts, empathy, and the complex dance of parental love struggling to balance humor with sensitivity.
Hello all, my husband and I have been arguing about this all day and I need some outside perspective.
My husband picked my daughter (Cindy) up from school and he saw her speaking to a schoolmate that she had previously had a crush on.
For context, last year during a sleepover my husband and I overheard Cindy’s friends lightly teasing her over having a crush on this boy. My husband also gently teased her with some innocent jokes like “Cindy and boy sitting on a tree K I S S I N G” type of silliness and he sometimes brings it up randomly to tease her, like asking her if she wants to invite “her boyfriend” when we go on family outings.
She never actually dated him or is even friends with him as far as we know, her dad just likes to tease her.
Anyway, apparently over the summer the boy was injured in an accident and he missed the first couple of weeks of school as a result. When my husband was picking her up, he saw them talking and noticed that the boy had significant scarring on his face and hand.
When he asked her what happened to him and what they were talking about (saying that the boy looked disappointed) she explained to him about his accident and that he was just asking her out on a date but that she turned him down.
My husband was furious at her and scolded her for being so shallow as to reject him because his appearance has changed. Cindy was crying when she got home, she told me all this and insisted she was polite when turning him down and was just not interested in him romantically anymore.
I told my husband to apologize to my daughter and that he never should have made her feel bad for turning down anyone’s romantic advances. I told him that our daughter is old enough to decide who she is attracted to and it would be cruel of her to have said yes out of pity, thus leading him on.
My husband is now saying that hes ees me differently and that I should be ashamed for teaching Cindy to be a “shallow monster” and “ableist”. He is also angry that I undermined him when he was scolding our daughter and says we should not undermine each other’s authority when disciplining our child.
I was not doing it to undermine him, I just think its not healthy to make our daughter feel guilty and shamed for not being interested in someone. I do feel bad for the boy but I dont think it is anyone’s place, neither mine nor my husband’s, to tell Cindy she has to date someone or she’s a bad person.
AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is in conflict with her husband over how their daughter, Cindy, should handle romantic rejection, particularly when the suitor has visible injuries. The OP supports Cindy’s right to choose not to date someone she is not interested in, viewing the rejection as an exercise of personal autonomy. Conversely, the husband believes Cindy’s rejection was cruel and shallow due to the boy’s changed appearance, feeling the OP undermined his authority by defending their daughter’s decision.
Given the fundamental disagreement on personal autonomy versus perceived social obligation in matters of romantic interest, should parents prioritize teaching their child that they must never reject someone based on appearance or circumstance, or should they strictly support their child’s right to choose their romantic partners freely without guilt?
Here’s how people reacted:
He gave her a good lesson about being shallow and vapid. You’re not wrong that it’s her choice whether to engage with someone romantically, but if it’s obvious she’s doing so out of something superficial like “he’s ugly now,” that’s not exactly a good behavior to reinforce. (In general)
And there’s obviously some nuance about it. We’re typically visual creatures first when it comes to mate selection, so if it that process really hadn’t gotten past “tee hee, he’s cute *blush*” it’s not like she abandoned ship after an actual emotional investment was made by either party.
But completely undermining the idea that it’s wrong to judge a person on appearance, or to only value someone because they’re attractive or not, absolutely puts you in the wrong.
I’ve got a notion that you’re playing up how mean your husband was about it to justify being indignant over the situation.
Because genuinely not understanding the concept of “don’t judge a book by its cover” is the only way I can see being any kind of confused about why he was right to be disappointed in your daughter.
How old are these kids? Based on the teasing, they can’t be older than 12.
12 year old children have no business dating period. Even then, crushes at that age fade and develop differently.
It sounds like this boy only asked her out after the fact he had an accident, while she had one of him long before. That’s just a coincidence. Nothing more. She’s not entitled to be liked by him when she wants, just the same he’s not entitled to be liked by her when it’s convenient for him. We could try and read into it more, but it’s far better to assume this was our of coincidence and a long break from seeing each other that feelings were lost/built.
But taking part in childish teasing and then making your own daughter cry for gently letting down a young boy? Not okay. Your husband’s off his GD rocker. What’s he gonna do when a boy lays hands on her? Does he deserve to have what he wants just cause he feels entitled? And why are his feelings more important?
On that matter, I’d sounds like this young boy only has some disfigurement, not any physical disabilities from his accident, so there is nothing “ableist” going on.
This is only an issue because your husband decided it was ok to relentlessly bully your daughter in the first place.
Honestly, if I was Cindy I’d just not tell either of you anything anymore just to avoid being “gently teased” or scolded. This is a “damned if you, damned if you don’t” kind of situation for your daughter.
Tell your husband you also see him differently now that he’s tried to forced your daughter to enter a relationship she’s not interested in just to appease him. It seems he’s not aware that “women don’t owe you shit”.
The fact that the boy in question seems to have taken rejection better than your husband tells me everything I need to know. Dad needs to mind his own business.
And this is speculation, but you also can’t be sure that the only reason the boy asked your daughter out after his accident is to use her as a clutch to boost his own self esteem instead of out of a sincere interest in her. If your daughter was being teased by her friends, I’m sure the boy was aware of her crush. And again, as much as I feel sorry for the boy… “women don’t owe you shit”.
Your husband is sending the wrong message to Cindy. He is teaching her that she should feel guilty for not giving a man what he wants. Right now, it’s just about a date, but in the future, it will be about sex, a relationship, etc. You are empowering her to make her own decisions and teaching her that men are not entitled to her (her time, body, etc) just because they want her.
Maybe this is about her being shallow, and maybe it’s not. Crushes come and go with kids.
Now is the time to explicitly teach her that men are not entitled to her, and she should never feel guilty for saying no.
Sidenote: It also doesn’t hurt to teach her that she’s shouldn’t make decisions based on people’s outward appearance. She should get to know people first.
Also, if you haven’t been explicitly teaching your daughter about the aforementioned stuff and how to set boundaries, start doing that immediately.
At best, he seems immature and projects his teenager-self love life into him. At worst, he is the type of man who the majority of sane people dislike for good reasons.
Either way, it’s not good for your daughter to be taught that any man is above her individual choices. We unfortunatly have plenty of stories of women who were were made vulnerables to predators because people forced them to say “yes” to any man because “they were nice guys and deserve sex/love like anyone else. It is unfair to deny them”.
You’re teaching your daughter that only external appearances matter. That who a person is doesn’t matter if they have an external flaw. I mean, if you’re good with that, cool, but uh… Best of luck in the future.
And for everybody going, OMG how could he say that, women have the right to date who they want… Just for a moment, imagine if the shoe was on the other foot, and Cindy was Charlie, and refusing to date a girl he’d had a crush on for a year, because suddenly she had a facial scar.
You can clearify that together with you child that turning someone down is not wrong but you want to teach her values that a good heart is more important than looks. And when the outer sight is the only reason for her to turn him down although she was in love for him for a long time she is a bit inconsequential or superficial and you wann amaze sure that she becomes a good person – that is which is most important for you.
You two parents have to pull together that is really important!
You did the right thing by backing her up, she should never feel guilty for being honest about her feelings. Maybe your husband just needs to chill on the teasing and focus on teaching her that it’s okay to say no without guilt.
He also needs to know leading someone on and dating out of pitty can lead to a lot of issues for women. Plus, why is the boy asking her out now that he is “disabled”?? your daughter wasn’t good enough before and now she is? How is that not super shallow of him?!
If you stay with this dude he is gonna make sure your daughter ends up on some street corner on high heels and thongs..
absolutely wild..
NTA.
Neither of those things have to be true, of course. Her interest has passed, which is normal. It’s just a way to make husband see he’s projecting his own insecurities onto his child.
Is this correct??
There is one area where “isms” can’t really apply, and that is sexual attraction.
Sure, it can be racist, ablest, homophobic, transphobic or whatever, but you can’t be attracted to someone you aren’t.
Your daughter has the right to turn down anyone for any reason. However only turning someone down only because of how they look is a bit assholey
Your hubby has issues and you did the right thing. NTA