Her heart aches for her nieces, caught in the crossfire of broken promises and fractured faith, as she battles a system that favors tradition over her genuine care. This is a story of resilience, sacrifice, and the fierce love that drives her to fight for the ones she holds dear, even when the odds are against her.
I (F38) have recently gotten a not great medical diagnosis and prognosis. I am at peace with it.
So I have sat down with my husband and figured out my will. Obviously he will be receiving most of the estate. He has to take care of himself and our kids. He and I both have decent if not spectacular careers and he likes his work.
My oldest brother is a gigantic D-bag. He is an addict and my parents have wasted their lives trying to help him. They spent somuch of their time and money on him they had very little formy sister or myself.
I don’t hold this against them. I love my kids and I can understand the urge to help them with their problems.
The real issue is that my brother has abandoned my nieces with my parents. I tried to get custody of them but I am not a member of their church and my parents cut me off when I left home to get a college education instead of staying home and helping them like a good daughter should.
Their congregation helped them hire a lawyer to keep the girls away from me. But strangely enough after the girls were out of my reach they stopped getting any financial support.
So on my will I am leaving my nieces money. Not for them to spend however they want. It is only to go to pay for their post secondary education. If it isn’t used for that by the time they are 25 it will be donated to a charity that my parents hate.
It advocates for women and reproductive rights.
I sent my parents a copy of my will so they knew what was coming. They are the kind of people who would take out a loan counting on money from my death to bail them out.
They are calling me an asshole for not giving them the money to take care of my nieces. They are complaining because they are going into debt taking care of the girls. I offered again to take custody with my husband.
If I can have them for two years I know I can get them on a path away from that church.
My parents won’t relent and are saying that they will challenge my will if I leave it like this. Good luck. My lawyer is confident that I have protected the money.
I just heard from my brother. He is calling me an asshole for depriving his kids of help and forcing my parents into a shitty position. I asked him when the last time he sent him money to help with his kids was.
He yelled obscenities and hung up.
My husband supports my decision. But a lot of my family is calling me and asking me to help my parents with no strings attached.
#EDIT
Thanks for your kind words. I love and trust my husband and his love for our children. We do however have education and savings accounts set aside for them that are only available to them when they are of age.
We decided that before we got married.
Conclusion
The individual facing a serious medical prognosis has finalized their will, prioritizing their husband and children while setting aside specific funds for their nieces’ education, explicitly bypassing their parents and problematic brother. The central conflict arises from the OP’s firm boundary setting—using their assets to support their nieces’ future education under specific conditions—which directly clashes with the parents’ expectation of receiving unconditional financial support to cover current caretaking expenses.
Given the family’s history of enabling the brother and the parents’ resistance to the OP taking custody, is the OP justified in using their final provisions to secure their nieces’ educational future while simultaneously enforcing consequences on the irresponsible family members, or are they ethically obligated to provide unrestricted financial aid to the current caregivers (the parents)?
Here’s how people reacted:
NTA. Because you are giving your nieces a chance at a better life.
Some practical matters that you may not have thought about:
* Your parents may not tell your nieces about the inheritance. And your parents will do everything they can to dissuade your nieces from taking the opportunity. You will need to be sure that they personally are informed and are able to make the choices because part of this is about the control your parents exert. Well done for making your parents choose!
* You will need to make sure that it is not used to fund learning from an institution which is accredited, but which goes against what you are trying to do. For certain your parents will be looking for loopholes.
* Similarly, you’ll need to be sure that your parents don’t register your nieces, to get to the money or at least to stop it from going to your charity, but then don’t allow them to access the education. Another loophole.
* Maybe make access conditional on an annual chat between your lawyer, your husband and your nieces, without your parents being present.
And duh, of course your parents want access with no strings, and of course you are getting calls, but you owe them the amount of no-strings help that they gave when you went to college.
They have cut you off because of disagreement about religion.. OP you are unwell and are trying your your best to organise for the future. You seem kind and thoughtful
You have offered to adopt and support your nieces. They have chosen to adopt them and are upset about the financial responsibilities. You owe them nothing.
I read on another comment you are stipulating that the money can be use for any education and accommodation related expenses. You guys seem so generous.
Stop stressing about your entitled family members, finish organising your estate and enjoy your precious time with your husband and children. You don’t owe it to your family to make them feel better about their crappy decisions in life, they should be supporting you given your diagnosis.
You’re not depriving your nieces of help. You’re depriving your parents of a handout they haven’t earned.
You offered to help. They didn’t want your help in the form you were willing to provide it. Their bad.
Remind everyone who contacts you that your parents attached strings to *your* life and were more than happy to cut you off when you veered from the path they’d chosen for you.
Ironic of your brother to call you an asshole. What’s he contributing toward raising HIS OWN CHILDREN?
(Also, I’m sorry about your prognosis and glad you are at peace with it. You should be at peace with this decision, too. Wishing you all the best.)
It’s your money.
However the title is wrong. You don’t let your parents choose. Your parents have nothing to do with it. You give your nieces a chance for an post secondary education.
You might wanna change the age the money must be spend on education to 30 as it can take a while before your nieces get out of the influence of your parents and other relatives. After they are 25 they might regret not getting a secondary education.
Not everybody is as strong as you for going against the will of the church and their parents as you are at that age.
Yeah nope. My response to that would have been “pot, kettle, bye”.
NTA. It’s your money. Your parents cut you off for going to college. They should expect nothing from you.
If your nieces are old enough to understand I would tell them about the money and stipulations as well, because I could definitely see your parents not telling them about it at all to keep them home near their culty church.
NTA
NTA, nope, no, you have made your decision and you made it clear that the cash is ONLY for the kiddos, not the others.
Have your lawyer put in to the will that this money may not ever be transferd to your parent’s, nor to your brother, the church or anything associated with them.
Looks like you have your bases covered.
NTA.
On a personal note though, I wasn’t able to get through college by the time I was 25 for medical reasons. Sticking it to your parents through progressive charities might feel good and I fully support it. But maybe once your nieces are adults, make sure they are able to receive physical and mental care.
You sound like you’ve done your research and you’ve got things covered so feel free to disregard this advice: You might want to give them a minimum amount so they won’t be able to contest the will.
1. What church do your parents go to? Because that sounds extreme .
2. Does the will stipulate college? Can they use it for trade school or other educational options?
Church will do its best to grab that money. Double the time with the lawyer and ask yourself how will the church try to pass their schemes as “post secondary education”.
Good luck.
You are helping – your nieces. Your parents have made their decisions, if their church was so helpful keeping them away from your assistance maybe they should pony up and help pay for their ongoing needs as well.
And – I’m sorry about your recent prognosis, you sound like a rad as fuck human; and things like this suck. Kia kaha
You didn’t need to let them know about changes to your will, you chose to, because you wanted to try and manipulate them in to giving you those children.