Now, standing at the crossroads of his own life, he faces a storm of guilt and expectation as his parents plead for him to stay, tethered forever to a life that no longer fits. The promise of a new start with grandparents in a distant state holds hope and freedom, but also threatens to break the fragile family bonds. In this painful tug-of-war, he must find the courage to choose his own path without losing himself to the weight of others’ needs.
I (19M) have an autistic brother (20M). He’s fairly manipulative because he realized pretty quickly that the threat of a meltdown would get him his way every single time. He is considered high functioning by medical personnel, but he’s got my parents convinced he just doesn’t understand what he’s doing, and they don’t ever punish him.
Doctors have told them that he understands and that he knows what he’s doing. They think they know better. They also expect me to revolve my entire life around him. I was never able to do anything I wanted because it upset his routine.
I wanted to play a sport, nope his routine. I wanted to get a job? Nope, his routine. Friends? Yeah forget about that. I tried not to be resentful, but I am.
The problem: My parents are flipping out because I plan to move several states away and in with my grandparents soon to attend school. They keep trying to guilt me into staying because of my brother.
I usually just say that I’m sorry that they feel that way, but I’m still going. Well here’s where I might be the asshole. My mother was going on and on about how the world doesn’t revolve around me and how I was being really selfish and how I was going to ruin my brother by doing this.
How they’d always been the best parents they could be to both of us and we both got equal attention.
I got frustrated and told her that she was delusional if she thought she or my father were ever good parents to me. They made my life revolve around my brothers, I had nothing of my own, he had to be the center of everything.
I said He wasn’t the center of the universe even though she tried to make him it. I told her that the only people who were selfish were her and my father because they actively ignored me in favor of babying my brother who played them like a fiddle to make sure he always got his way.
I told her that his routine was not my problem, that it was up to them to make the appropriate adjustments, and asked if she really thought I’d just not live my life because of him?
She started crying and I walked off and shut myself in my room. My father is demanding an apology for what I said, but I’m refusing. My grandpa said he’s proud that I stood up for myself, but my parents are still demanding an apology for being an asshole.
I don’t think I need to give them one. AITA here?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is caught in a severe conflict stemming from years of sacrificing personal desires to accommodate a high-functioning autistic brother, whose manipulative behavior appears unchecked by their parents. The central conflict is the OP’s necessary decision to move away for personal growth against the parents’ intense emotional pressure and guilt-tripping, which frames the OP’s self-preservation as selfishness.
Was the OP justified in sharply confronting their parents about their long-term unequal treatment and refusing to apologize for prioritizing their own life, or did the harshness of the delivery cross an ethical line? The core question remains: When a caretaker sibling sacrifices their entire life for another, does the right to establish boundaries outweigh the need to maintain familial peace through tempered communication?
Here’s how people reacted:
EDIT: also want to add that it was important and good that you stuck up for yourself!
EDIT 2: based off your feedback I’m adjusting what I said and the point I was trying to get at:
I’ve changed my mind about who is TA and I mischaracterized the way his parents treated him.
I think you guys are right that the parents were bad to OP and I was wrong to minimize their neglect of OPs needs. But the point I was trying to get at was to warn against burning bridges unintentionally*. In some cases it’s absolutely necessary but it seemed like what was said was in the heat of the moment. Although the points were true and fair criticisms I was concerned that OP would be doing irreparable damage to his relationship with them. Some people may think good riddance, but I was trying to avoid OP doing this without realizing it. Since the points were true, apologizing for being harsh may help to maintain the relationship, but standing by the points they made is necessary for their own well being. If the parents still refuse to acknowledge the preferential treatment they’ve given, then OP may want to cut the negative relationship in their life but at least in this situation it will be a thoughtful decision rather than done rashly.
Just move out and go on with your life, your parents might never understand how they are abusing both their children. It usually takes a lot to achieve a balance raising a family with a disabled member, and your parents failed at it.
I’m sorry you had to endure so much in your childhood. You are a young adult, go ahead and build a good life for yourself, don’t bother trying to reason with your parents, they are beyond reasoning. they are probably desperately trying to figure out how to manage without your help.
Neither your mom nor your dad wanted to hear the truth. They know you are right and want you to apologize for their abuse of you. As you said, they never wanted to listen to anyone who told them other than what they wanted to hear; and that includes you granddad.
Do not back down. If either brings up the idea of apology again, ask them when they are going to apologize to you for depriving you of a having a life of your own. Do exactly what you did here — detail the myriad ways they have consistently ignored you to make your manipulative brother happy.
Move to be with your grandparents as soon as you can and when possible, start some counseling/therapy to put dysfunction behind you.
My brother has Autism so I understand this pretty well he’s not high functioning like your brother but i went though the same thing as you did always having to live your life around him and his routine you have every right to feel the way you do OP hell I still do (Not my brothers fault) get out and live your life! your parents need to wake up and realise what your brother is doing because one day there not gonna able to care for him anymore then it’ll be to late
I am so sorry. It is really hard being the sibling of a disabled sibling sometimes. I, too, had to give up a lot, but their expectations of you are beyond extreme. Enjoy college. Hopefully, this hard truth and time apart will allow your parents to reflect on how they treated you and they can attempt to try and mend their relationship with you on your terms.
There is nothing to apologize for. You told her the truth.
**EDIT** Wow! I didn’t expect my comment to blow up like this. Thanks everyone for the upvotes and rewards. I am just a redditor who really felt for OP’s situation.
Think about it this way, you have demonstrated that your parents are easily manipulated, selfish, and foolish. Would you really trust their judgment on whether they are owed an apology?
This is probably exactly what they thought. That you would just do whatever was easiest for them, not what was best for you.
NTA
You don’t need to apologize for telling the truth. No matter how much it hurts them to hear it. At most, I would tell them you don’t think they made an intentional decision to favor your brother, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen nor does it make it okay.
Yep – that about sums it up – well done! NTA
I hope you find a better life and better family out there.