Caught between the demands of work, household chores, and the need for personal calm, she struggles to bridge the gap of misunderstanding. A simple act of self-care becomes a battleground, revealing how deeply the pain of feeling unseen and unheard can cut through the fabric of their relationship.
I work full-time, and when I’m not working I make sure to clean up our house, make some dinner, ensure the dog has had a walk…just general household upkeep- before I sit down on the sofa and crochet.
When my boyfriend came up to me today and said that he’s unhappy with how much time I spend crocheting, I’m not going to lie, I laughed a bit, and basically said, you spend more time playing games in one day than I do crocheting in a week.
He really did not like that answer. I told him that before I crochet, I ensure that all my household duties are done, that dinner is made etc…
My boyfriend works part-time from home, and when he’s not working he’s playing games, just getting him to clean the bathroom once a week is a task in itself…
He’s fuming with me now and saying I’m attacking him and asking if I just want him to stop doing what makes him happy, I said that’s not the case at all. Then he said that I’m just angry with him because he gets to work from home?
Also not the case! I work in a brain rehabilitation unit, I’ve always enjoyed my job and obviously it’s not a career where I can just work from home. I called him a hypocrite with how he’s trying to tell me off for doing something ‘too much’ when he himself can’t even get basic chores done.
His reasoning for approaching me was that he feels instead of spending time on the crocheting, I could be using that time to do more impactful and useful things, like I could be cleaning up more, or doing more laundry, or finding more ‘fun’ dishes to make (I’m Polish and predominantly cook Polish food, he’s never been very on board with that.).
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is facing a significant conflict where her partner is upset about the amount of time she spends on her anxiety-relieving hobby, crocheting, despite her fulfilling all household responsibilities first. The central conflict arises from the partner’s perceived hypocrisy: he criticizes her hobby time while neglecting his own share of basic chores, leading the OP to call him out directly.
Is the OP justified in calling her partner a hypocrite for criticizing her time management and choice of hobby when he fails to meet his own domestic responsibilities, or does pointing out his failings escalate the conflict unnecessarily when her partner is simply seeking more shared time?
Here’s how people reacted:
First of all, as a first aider and having seen what you do for a living I commend you for your work during this difficult time. It’s little wonder that you need something that gives you a sense of zen. I’m like that with needlecraft and bobbin lace.
Second, your boyfriend *is* being a hypocrite. He has more free time and probably earns less than you do. Yet he has the nerve to tell you that you should spend less time on something that makes you happy?
As someone who likes both, I say he needs to grow up, not you. I don’t get the feeling he appreciates you so I would suggest that you ditch him and move on.
ETA: just saw the update, the fact that he wants you to do chores and cook with your craft time (when you do the pretty much all the chores as is) suggests that he sees you as a maid and not as a partner. Definitely dump him.
ETA 2: thank you kind strangers for the awards
But based on your edit, crotcheting is not the issue here, nor is him being a hypocrite.
The bigger issue seems to be that your boyfriend does not view you as his equal. He spends more time at home than you do but it doesn’t sound like he does any chores, he also doesn’t cook. He expects you to do those things despite being full-time? And then he wants you to spend *more time* on doing things for him and the house? Your crotcheting isn’t what he’s upset at. He’s upset that you’re not doing more things for him.
I wouldn’t even focus on his gaming. Crotchet even more, cook for yourself only, clean up after yourself only and see how long he lasts and hope he’ll start being more appreciative.
Or just leave him!
* Is controlling of you and your behavior.
* Has anger issues.
* Does no chores, but offloads all household responsibilities onto you while he feeds his video game addiction.
* Despite you doing all the chores, begrudges you your one hobby and wants you to spend even more time slavishly looking after him.
This goes beyond the NTA that’s obviously warranted here. Absent massive changes going forward, this is not a good relationship for you to be in.
He doesn’t want you spending time on your hobby because its not directly benefiting him.
Look at the list of things he thinks you should do instead. Its all chores which if you do, he doesn’t have to. Cooking non-Polish foods ‘benefits’ him too since he’s not keen (although who doesn’t love Polish food!?).
If you didn’t crochet – he could spend all his free time gaming since he essentially has a maid.
Also, he better have not interupted you mid stitch counting!
> I can’t get through to him without him cussing me out
This right here is enough for me to tell you to toss the whole boyfriend out. There is no reason that you should ever have to be cussed out when trying to have a discussion.
I also crochet or other crafts to help my anxiety. My husband encourages it. Because he cares about my mental health and happiness.
ETA: Thank you for the awards!
Anyone who told me I should be doing chores while he plays video games would be out on his ass so fast he’d think he was magicked out there. Why would you put up with someone like that? NTA
I.e. a photo of what magnificent crochet object you made!
Upvote if you are here for this!
I think you’re confusing it with “crotchety,” which is what your BF is being.