But while one child thrived, holding to the pact with determination, the other struggled against his own barriers, despite unwavering support and countless offers of help. This story is a raw glimpse into the complexities of family, expectations, and the quiet battles fought behind closed doors.
So I (50M) have a neice and a nephew who are both 18 and just graduated. A few years ago when they were entering HS I made a deal with them, if they kept a B average their entire time in high school I would buy them any car of their choosing, within reason of course.
We added a clause that they got 1 semester forgiven, so they were able to mess up one semester and I wouldn’t hold it against them, I felt like 7/8 semesters with a b average was pretty fair.
So my neice maintained her grades, she did mess up her sophomore year but otherwise was right on track. My nephew on the other hand pretty much never did right, we were lucky that he even passed every semester.
I offered help, tutors, books, tried to make sure he was okay mentally, whatever he needed but turns out he just straight up was not doing his work. He was doing good on tests but would never do his actual work resulting in his grades being low.
So last week was when my neice got her car, she choose a 2025 Toyota camry. My nephew kept asking when he was going to get his, and I told him he didn’t stick to his end of the agreement so he did not get a car.
He still got a very nice gift back at graduation. Now, him and his mom are angry with me and saying im favoring my neice and now he is refusing to speak to me or his sister. I don’t think I messed up but I’m starting to worry, AITA?
Conclusion
The uncle established a clear, conditional agreement regarding high school performance and promised a significant reward, which one niece fulfilled and the nephew did not. The central conflict arises because the nephew and his mother feel entitled to the reward regardless of the unmet conditions, leading to accusations of favoritism and a complete breakdown in communication with the nephew.
Should an agreement, established in good faith with clear terms, be upheld strictly when one party fails to meet the agreed-upon performance benchmarks, or does the familial relationship and the perceived unfairness of the outcome outweigh the contractual obligation?
Here’s how people reacted:
OP points out that he still gave the nephew a good graduation gift. Did the niece also get this separate graduation gift?
My point being, not every person can get B grades. Even those with the best help sometimes can’t get there. I’m AuDHD and wasn’t diagnosed till 30. I had a sub 2.0 GPA in college for 3 out of 4 years. I really struggled. I got called lazy, that I lacked drive, etc. I was put down by so many people. After my diagnosis, I applied for and got into law school. I was properly medicated and ended up graduating with honors.
If I was in the nephew’s shoes and didn’t meet the standards set forth and had to watch my sister get a brand new car while I get nothing would make me feel depressed and I would even view the uncle differently. I can admit that isn’t necessarily fair to the uncle but it is what it is. If you have the ability to buy cars for both kids, you should do that.
Maybe not right away but OP basically is giving a $30k gift to niece that nephew isn’t getting. There are consequences to those types of things. Now, the nephew will have to go into debt to buy a car where the niece doesn’t have to. The nephew may not be able to buy a home as soon as the niece. That can lead to resentment between siblings.
At the end of the day, they made deals and have to live with the outcome. But OP has the power to remedy this and is choosing not to. He can’t now be pissed that his nephew is angry with him and may not view him the same way. It is what is is. OP created this situation. He has to live with the outcome.
I say that to say my grades in high school were terrible. I stayed out of trouble in other ways but my grades weren’t important to me. I do great now. Turns out pacing matters.
I’m still not great at sitting down and writing a paper, so if that’s how I was defined, I’d be considered a failure. I’m glad it isn’t. I would fail high school today, and my uncle wouldn’t buy me a car, and my sister hasn’t had a job in twenty years. If after his freshman year he had already missed both semesters, it’s no wonder he never tried again. He knew he had failed before he turned 14. That sticks with a person.
If you treat your nephew like a failure, he’ll always feel like one. Give him another chance with a different goal? I stand by my NTA, you aren’t. This is an incredibly nice thing you’ve done for both. I just think it’s hard to punish someone for years for something they potentially failed freshman year. And let’s be honest, if he knew he failed that early, he’s been punishing himself for three years and this will set him back or cost him for the next 10. If you include all the ways it will impact him. Give him another goal to shoot for?
This one is so straightforward that I don’t understand how the mom can side with her son other than just being super biased. Logic and reasoning has left the building. All this means is that they really didn’t care about honouring his commitments and they think breaking the deal is a drop in the bucket. He’s not entitled to a car. You’re not his parent. The deal was very reasonable. And at every step of the way, he made the mistake. Why would anyone reward someone who’s proving to break their promises, someone who expects to be rewarded for failure, and has never taken any steps to rectify the situation. There is no favourites here and the only favouritism being done is the mom expecting her son to be rewarded for nothing while her daughter did exactly what she was asked to do in exchange for the car.
Honestly maintaining a B average is a pretty average bar. His level of non compliance is something I don’t see in HS, more so in Uni/College is it more common place for kids to skip homework and only do tests.
ps) I pep-talked all my niblings through high school by pointing out if they did well and got accepted to a good college they could live wherever they wanted, however they wanted and parents would have to go along with it. Worked like a charm… the most rebellious scored scholarships and took off for Florida beaches, free-wheeling New Orleans, and a luxe dorm overlooking Boston Commons respectively. When They graduated from college they admitted their “con” to their parents delight!
Nothing worked.
I’m going to college now that I’m in my 30s and I average at about a B more or less.
My sister got a B average in school and went to a prestigious university.
I would have understood 100% that I wasn’t getting a car if they had done the same thing you did. I didn’t put the work in. My sister did.
NTA
I wonder if it’s the parents who put in his head he was getting the car anyways.
Your niece kept her side of the agreement and earned her reward. Your nephew would learn absolutely nothing but to throw a fit to get what he wants if you break down your resolve and buy him that unearned car.
NTA – Stick to it and know in your heart you did the right thing for both your niece and nephew.
He can see that you mean to stick to the agreement but he’s got an option to try again now that he knows you mean business- with the reward and with the requirements. This might also placate the mother who is probably feeling guilty that she didn’t put more pressure on about grades, if only for the car reward.
You made an arrangement with them, she upheld her end and got her reward, he failed to uphold his and is butthurt to be experiencing the consequences of his own actions.
You would be doing him a disservice to get him one, he failed his obligation, do NOT reward him. He needs to learn that actions have consequences, since obviously his parents didn’t teach him that.
You offered to buy him a car and he did not hold up his end of the agreement. You need to work in life to get what you want. He did not. Its not even like he was struggling and trying, he was lazy. His mom is teaching him you get what you want by just wanting it and that’s not how life works.
NTA – you aren’t favoring your niece, she worked for that! your nephew did not…
Alternatively, you can give him a grade C or D used car, not a new one. This is where slacking off gets you in life, an old fixer-upper, but hey, it’s still a car!
She should be happy you bought daugther a car.. as it was not required of you to do so. Additionally showing her son hard work means nothing if shes noe badgering you to get him one to just because.
Does your nephew have the same responsibilities around the house as your niece?
What is their logic for saying that he should also get a car? Did he forget the deal? Or is it just because it’s him? He should get it? I’m oh so very curious
Terms were clear from the beginning….you even offered additional help to help him get better grades ….you’d actually be showing him favoritism if you buy him a car since your niece followed the expectations set forth & he did not.
What you did was very generous but it wasn’t your obligation, so his parents should be more than grateful & tell their son to shut up & accept his consequence!
You had a deal. He agreed with the terms and failed to meet them. He doesn’t get a car from you.
It’s not favoritism. It’s being accountable and keeping to the terms of the agreement.
You didn’t give her a car just because. You gave her a car because she held up her end of the deal. It would be unfair to give him one when he didn’t do what was asked.
When these kids transition to adulthood they will also be learning this lesson.
I would’ve killed to have a deal like this as a high schooler.
He’s learning a valuable lesson, hopefully.