But the quiet support she once relied on has started to crack. Her husband and children, caught in the whirlwind of their own frustrations, voice their dissatisfaction with frozen meals and imperfect floors. What was once a shared journey now feels like a battlefield of blame and exhaustion, leaving her to wrestle not only with her studies but with the unraveling fabric of the family she is trying so hard to hold intact.
I am married and have 3 kids, all are teens. My husband and I both work and my kids are in school and do sports or clubs after school. I recently hit a ceiling in my field and in order to continue to grow professionally, I had to get a graduate degree, so I started my masters degree.
In the past, I usually did most of the chores. My husband does the typical “man” chores” my kids have some of their own chores like doing their own laundry, taking turns sweeping/vacuuming, cleaning their own bathroom, etc.
I did a majority of the rest and all of the cooking.
I am a year into my degree. At the start I was keeping up with the chores I did before, but it quickly wasn’t possible. I asked for help and was told “everything is fine, you’re being too picky”.
But over time, my family seems to be getting fed up.
They’ve been complaining about things a lot lately. From eating frozen meals (I make them myself in a large batch and freeze them for later), to the floors having stains (if you cleaned up skills, they wouldn’t be there!), the stairs have dust and pet fur on them, etc.
If they bring it up, I tell them they are capable of handling it, but they just walk away and it doesn’t get done. I’m doing what I can, but between work, school, and everything else at home, it can’t all be done.
We aren’t living in squalor, i just can’t get to the finer details like I could before.
Yesterday my husband came to me while I was doing my homework and said the shower curtain liner in our bathroom was moldy. This pushed me over the edge.
I had my family come into the living room and told them that if they don’t like how something is, they have able bodies and can deal with it themself. That they have the skills to clean, I have just been taking care of so much they didn’t see.
Now I need them to step up. That they don’t like something, they need to step up and take care of it. And how I also plan to redistribute chores.
My kids were arguing that they shouldn’t have to do more, they’re in school and busy afterwards. I told them that I don’t care, I am busy too! And I can’t do it all. That need to step up or shut up, in nicer terms.
That night my husband told me I was too harsh and need to lighten up. He says I was rude and basically telling them their feelings don’t matter and I need to lay off of them. I told him the message wasn’t only for the kids, it was for him too.
He needs to step up.
But afterwards I started to doubt myself and felt too harsh. No one is really talking to me right now. I’m worrying now I was too harsh. I did change up the status quo in the house for my own personal reasons.
So AITA for telling them if they see something they don’t like, they need to step up and take care of it and not complain about it?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is experiencing significant stress due to balancing a full-time job, a demanding graduate program, and the majority of household management. The central conflict arises because the family, accustomed to the OP maintaining a higher standard of cleanliness, resists taking on more responsibility when the OP explicitly requests help and announces a necessary redistribution of labor.
Was the OP justified in delivering a firm, urgent message demanding the family take immediate ownership of household tasks they dislike, or was the delivery unnecessarily harsh, risking further resentment and communication breakdown? The core question is whether direct confrontation or a more collaborative approach is necessary when established family roles shift due to individual ambition.
Here’s how people reacted:
I am old now, past retirement, and honestly those responsibilities have helped form the capable person I am now. I did my ” fun” extracurriculars in college. I can outcook, and out meal/ menu plan almost anyone I know. My recipes are part of the menu at my friend’s café. When I got married, I already knew how to do a good portion of the ” running the household” tasks. I paid for most of my college education myself, however, my parents paid for the first 2 years. College would have not been possible if Mom had not gone back to work. I had a younger sister that needed support for college expenses also, so I was grateful for 2 years.
Today, I have had a long, fulfilling, career, at a very high level of healthcare, and managed my household fairly well, despite my long hours and on-call time. Your kids are going to hate you now, but when they are older, will be much better prepared for real, day-to-day life.
You need to steel yourself against the inevitable pushback, and know that you are actually doing them a huge, life-preparing, favor.
My mom went back to school when I was 14. Took a lot out of her and my dad assigned each of the kids jobs on a rotating basis. We were thrilled when she graduated with her MS.
I earned two graduate degrees. Couldn’t have done it without the help of my wife.
Time for hubby to step up and help. Don’t give up on your goal. Keep at it and graduate.
You and your kids = busy students, don’t bother them about chores.
Your husband = grown man, no homework, he needs to do the chores.
You weren’t ‘too harsh’. You were just telling them things they didn’t want to hear.
BTW, in case you were not informed: YOU ARE NOT THEIR MAID. It doesn’t matter why you stopped doing all the housework because it shouldn’t have been all on you in the first place. These are capable (almost-)adults who should have been chipping in with the housework a long time ago.
The dog that barks the loudest got hit by the stone as my parents would have said. You gave him home truths he does not like and he used children to cover his own feelings of being called out. Things cannot go back to how they were before you studied if you don’t want your future children in law writing this post in the future.
And if you are both working as a team to maximize salaries to try to stay ahead in this crazy world, he can shut his mouth and crack open the spray cleaner until you’re fine your masters degree.
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