AITA for telling my old bully that she’s clearly only apologising to make herself feel better?

He never expected to run into the girl who haunted his high school days, the one who bullied him relentlessly and left scars that time alone hadn’t healed. Yet there she was, casually apologizing as if years of pain could be wiped away with a few words. For him, the wounds were not so easily forgotten, and forgiveness was a mountain he wasn’t ready to climb.

Her anger erupted like a storm when he refused to grant her pardon, revealing a bitterness that mirrored his own. In that charged moment, their roles reversed—no longer victim and tormentor, but two people grappling with the weight of the past, each unable to find peace in the other’s eyes.

AITA for telling my old bully that she's clearly only apologising to make herself feel better?

I (27M) was bullied really badly by this one girl (27F) for many years, right up until I left high school. I’ve since moved on and forgot about many of those things. So it came as a surprise when I saw her again when I went out shopping.

I wasn’t even in my hometown so it really was a coincidence. Well she recognized me and I tried to pretend I didn’t notice her, but she called my name.

So shit…I awkwardly say hi, and she asks me the usual chit chat. Well after a few minutes the ice has broken, and she gives me a full apology. She says how she is sorry and she regrets it etc.

Then she says “so we’re cool now? Do you forgive me?”.

I just say “That’s nice…but personally I don’t forgive you”.

That’s when she loses it. She calls me a “fucking asshole” and says “You really couldn’t just forgive me? I’ve been wanting to say this for years. Fucking asshole”.

Huh…it amused me that she had the gall to be mad at me. So I just say to her “If you really think that negatively on me, you clearly don’t care about me. You were just apologising to make yourself feel better”, then I walked off.

Here’s how people reacted:

Replied_Cross

ESH – You’re obviously not over it. That’s fine, everyone processes things at different times. It’s obvious why she is the AH, but I say you are too because of your explanation to her. Your comments where intended to hurt and make her look petty. She reacted badly to your comments, but she at least had enough self awareness to realize she owed you an apology due to her past behavior toward you. You simply could have said something along the lines of, “I’ll consider your apology, but I am just not in a place where I can forgive you yet.”

yellowcakeface

NTA. The fact that she actually asks “Do you forgive me?” shows that she just wanted validation that she’s a “good” person. Most likely she was going to write some stupid IG post about how she’s improved as a human being by addressing all her faults and correcting the past. I kind of get your friends’ perspective a bit, because why not just lie and tell her it’s cool. But it sounds like that would have been detrimental to your own mental health and you should definitely prioritize that over the insecurities of your former bully.

Drakan7

NTA – your right is the choose to forgive or not, be interested to know if your friends who called you one have been bullied to know what it’s like.

Also her reaction shows she’s still an a-hole and it wasn’t sincere. People who actually regret things generally accept the other party has the right to refuse forgiveness and either hope they’ll come around or just accept it.

She’s probably been doing some “self help” by interpreting YouTube videos in her own rose tinted way and thought it was something you “just did you know”

JeffGreenStan

> I told my buddies and they said that I was an asshole and should have just forgiven her for the sake of it.

I agree with your buddies, but I wouldn’t have called you an a-hole over it. I was bullied too growing up and some of the people who I felt bullied by are now my good friends. You are also right though, the bully should have been able to understand why you might now be willing to forgive her.

[deleted]

NTA!

I don’t care whether a person is sorry or a changed person or found God. Iris DeMent wrote a brilliant song about it – God May Forgive You But I Won’t.

(At least, I won’t forgive you just because you’re sorry. Whether I forgive you or not has very little to do with you, and everything to do with me. When I forgive you is: on my timeline, not on yours.)

UsernamesAreWierd

NTA

You get to decide wether you forgive her or not and her reaction towards your no was unnecessary. If you don’t feel comfortable with forgiving her, then she shouldn’t be forcing you to forgive her. Also her calling you an asshole after that kinda seems like a red flag to me.

Edit: corrected a word that was spelled wrong.

rcathar20

NTA. I was actually coming into this thread planning to say you’re the asshole based on the title, but I think after her calling you an asshole for not forgiving her, your statement was justified. If she sincerely was trying to make amends, she’d respect you saying that you can’t forgive her.

_Kettle

I feel like I am living in the Twilight Zone. I know I have read this exact same story on this subreddit, only cosmetically a little different. Either 2 people experienced almost the same thing, or this is a repost for karma. Hm.

[deleted]

IF this actually happened, then no, NTA. Apologies are owed, not forgiveness. And you certainly don’t need to offer forgiveness if you don’t like the apology or if you aren’t ready to forgive and move on.

SelfawareAimBot

NTA.

Based on her reaction, I think you are correct that she was apologizing to absolve herself not to to actually make amends. You aren’t obligated to forgive her, especially if the apology is insincere.

RagaMuffinSun

NTA-someone apologizing doesn’t mean you are required to forgive them. From her reaction I don’t believe her regret was genuine. I wouldn’t have forgiven her either.

Uncle_Icky

NTA. An apology does not automatically get accepted. Some things go beyond repair. Obviously she is still an asshole by here response.

thatblackgirlellie

NTA. your buddies suck. the way she blew up made it pretty clear that she’s still the same kind of person as back then.

Conclusion

The original poster felt a strong need to maintain personal integrity by refusing to offer forgiveness to a past bully, despite the bully’s public apology. This created a direct conflict between the poster’s need for authentic closure and the expectation, implied by the apology itself, that forgiveness should automatically follow.

Was the poster justified in refusing forgiveness to ensure personal congruence after years of bullying, or would offering forgiveness have been the more constructive path to ending the past relationship, even if the apology was perceived as self-serving?