Caught between protecting his daughter and navigating harsh criticism, he faces the painful reality of how misunderstood intentions can ignite conflict. This story reveals the delicate balance of parenting through adolescence, where every choice is scrutinized and every gesture carries weight far beyond its intent.
I (32M) have shared custody of my 13 yo daughter. Earlier this week we went to the mall since she’s been asking me to go and I was happy with how she’s been doing in school. Midway through after we hit a few stores she asked me to go into Victorias secret, I asked what she wanted (thinking something like perfume) and she said she wanted bras that fit better, not my area of expertise so I asked one of the ladies in there if they could assist her, gave my daughter card to buy what she wanted and stood to the side outside of the store.
She got what she wanted and we continued with our day.
Yesterday after I took my daughter to her moms , I get a call from my daughter’s mom who’s furious with me for letting my daughter buy “sexy underwear” I’m like what? what’d she buy?
And she tells me she has lacy bras, I ask “see through?” But she said no but that it doesn’t mater because lace in general is too much for a 13 year old and that I was crazy for not checking her bags.
I said I didn’t think I needed to help a teenage girl shop for underwear or bras or whatever but she didn’t wanna hear it. I told her I have the receipt and just send them back with her (my daughter) next time I get her and I’ll see if I can return them.
But I’m wondering if this was an oversight on my part? Are dads supposed to be supervising bra choices?
Conclusion
The Original Poster (OP) is facing intense criticism from his ex-partner regarding a decision made while shopping for his 13-year-old daughter’s necessary undergarments. The core conflict stems from the mother’s belief that the OP should have vetted the style of the bras purchased, while the OP maintains that supervising a teenage daughter’s bra fitting is inappropriate for a father and that the purchase itself was necessary.
Given the differing views on parental oversight and age-appropriate clothing for a developing teenager, the central question remains: Is it a father’s responsibility to inspect the specific style (e.g., lace vs. plain) of necessary undergarments his teenage daughter purchases, or does this level of privacy and autonomy fall outside the scope of expected parental supervision in this context?
Here’s how people reacted:
When I was in high school, I was a bit over-developed on a small frame. Finding bras that fit was already a chore, but finding one’s with extra support or minimizers that didn’t look like Amish girdles? Total nightmare.
Finally, one day by utter chance, I was 15 and at an outlet mall in the back of beyond with friends, and found a VS that had my size and yes, they were “sexy”, i.e., lacy and see-through. Well, some of them. Anyway, I had a credit card for “necessities”, and I spent way more than I was allowed.
When I got home, my mom and step-dad saw the bulging bag, and I started to explain to my mom when my step-dad saw the receipt and nearly hit the roof. But when Mom was finally listening, she completely understood and told him to shut up.
(For context: I had maybe 3 bras for everyday, and two for sports. I was washing them all the time, so they were pretty threadbare, even though I religiously kept them out of the dryer. P. E. class, dance class, track… It was SOOOO embarrassing, and nothing us more mortifying than teenage embarrassment.)
Dad, you did good, but your ex-wife is a piece of work. Let her bring the bras back to you, and then just hold on to them and let your daughter wear them when she’s with you. Don’t make a big deal about it, don’t tell her to lie to her mom… Just don’t return them. And then let it be. Your daughter will thank you.
Granted this subconscious belief of the sexualization of children and young women is so embedded in our culture it’s mostly invisible so I don’t want to hold that against you specifically, but knowing better means acting better so I think this is something you have to critically consider and decide what your values are as a father around this and then act/have the conservations you need to have with daughter and/ex. But I think ex is just trying to protect daughter, not sure about the manner of communication being a good one, but a worthwhile message.
VS has bras that have lace just in the straps or back, OVER the actual bra as a little detail, it’s all cute and pretty and not the same as a see through nipleless bra. Other people are right, this is when girls start seeing themselves change and may want to wear it to feel a bit more grown but without any intention whatsoever to actually show it to someone. OR she might’ve just gotten it cause it was pretty! Cause lace details is hella cute and not inherently sexual.
Good job on having a daughter that trusts you, and please keep nurturing that trust. Ask to see the bra to see what moms fuss is about, im sure you’ll be able to gauge the bra yourself and make your ex see sense. She’s going to pus your daughter away If shes always this crazy. Also, ask your daughter about that.
Her mom is being ridiculous. Show her a few thongs and she might shat a diamond from clutching so goddamn hard. She apparently forgot that tons of clothing items meant for girls of all young ages have lace on them, in places that are actually seen. The scandal!!!
NTA. You handled it exactly as you should have. Keep being reasonable and respectful of her privacy and autonomy. It sounds like your daughter is in for some hellacious years ahead if her mother is *already* sl*t shaming her at 13 for just wanting something pretty. Jesus! 🙄
(Although as a sidenote FYI… if your daughter ever wants to get more out of what she spends, she can try buying MaidenForm bras. They’re the company that manufacturs all of Victoria’s Secrets’ bras, but they’re about half the price. Although I’m sure she’s shopping at VS for the label.)
You handled the bra shopping perfectly, taking her to a place where there are women there specifically to help someone get the proper fit. You stepped out so she could handle it without feeling embarrassed but stayed close in case she needed you. And you let her choose her own undergarments, without dictating to her what is “acceptable”.
Her mom thinking lace is slutty and trying to dictate her choices is going to backfire badly. She will rebel and mist likely purposely wear more revealing clothing simply because it pisses off her mother, because that’s one of the things teens do to try to establish autonomy.
Your acknowledgement of her choices and growing independence is going to establish a trusting relationship.
Please don’t let her mother ruin it. Nobody else is going to think a bra with some lace on it makes your daughter a loose woman.
When I got a little older, I found Frederick’s of Hollywood and went in on a whim. And they had my size. And if you know anything about Frederick’s, you know they sell fancy, colorful, and sometimes raunchy lingerie.
But that wasn’t what it was about for me—it was about choice. It was about getting to pick any color of the rainbow and get matching underwear. It was about feeling confident and beautiful when I looked in the mirror in the morning.
And then when I got into high school, it was about not being humiliated in the locker room when I changed for wearing ugly underwear.
I doubt your daughter was even considering men in her choices. She probably just thought they were pretty.
And don’t you dare to return them. Your daughter got something she feels comfortable in. They measure size and make sure it fits. So what if it has a lace or two. Are teens not allowed to own pretty things. Your ex wife is weird.
And as a fellow dad I can attest to the fact that you don’t check your teenage daughter’s underwear. They are old enough to find what they like.
Lacy bras are not inherently sexual. The way you dealt with it was normal.
Heck, I’m a widow in her 70s and I like lacy underwear. It makes me feel pretty.
Try to talk your ex out of the tree. If necessary you can let your daughter keep the stuff at your house, but Golly!
What a tempest in a teapot.
Your ex is sexualizing a 13 year old because she wanted undergarments that fit.
You got someone more knowledgeable to help her and gave her privacy. At 13 she’s old enough to know what she likes and unless it’s completely sheer there’s nothing wrong with lace
She is very lucky that you are her dad.