Every friendship severed, every truth twisted, is a silent wound inflicted in the name of reputation. Amidst the lies and imposed rules, he struggles to find his own voice and identity, yearning for freedom from the shadows of his parents’ relentless scrutiny.
I (21M) have a strained relationship with my parents. They are involved in pretty much every social event/circle in our city be it church, school, clubs etc. For them, what over people think is the most important thing.
For that, they will lie about pretty much any “bad” thing that could potentially tarnish their standing and have forced my sister (24F) and I to behave in certain ways or follow specific rules.
Some examples:
* My sister and I were not allowed to play with certain kids in our school or neighbourhood because their parents were in trade rather than academics. My parents forced me to stop talking to a really close friend in middle school because his parents got divorced.
* When I got caught smoking in high school, my parents made up a “distant uncle” with drug problems and told everyone he influenced me.
* My sister came home one day introducing her Spanish boyfriend to my parents.
They didn’t like that so they told everyone the boyfriend is an exchange student that we are housing.
* My mother once made up a bunch of stuff about a neighbouring couple, stuff like “her husband is cheating” “she does porn to pay the bills”.
Of course she always claims to have heard it from someone else, who heard it from someone else etc…
Now recently I was near my hometown visiting a friend and I ran into the leader of a church group I was part of. I was pretty engaged in that group so we sat down for a coffee and talked about the good old times.
He asked me about my studies and how my fiancé is doing. I was confused and told him I’m not studying and don’t have a fiancée. Turns out my parents made up a bunch of lies to cover the fact that I decided to go for an apprenticeship and turned out to be gay.
One thing led to another and together we went over a lot of incidences and stories from the past, with me exposing more and more lies. The results could be seen a few days later, my parents called me very angrily asking me “how could I do this to them” “You ruined our lives” “We can never talk to the neighbours again”.
I told them their entire reputation is built on lies and spreading rumors, that it is disgusting they even call themselves christians at this point and that I’m done being part of their little scheme.
My sister later called me after mom called her in tears. She is torn, on one side she gets me (as already gone minimal contact with my parents) on the other hand it solved nothing but hurt my parents.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) has reached a breaking point regarding his parents’ deep-seated need to control their public image through fabrication and social manipulation. The central conflict lies between the OP’s decision to live authentically and expose these lies, and his parents’ desperate reaction to protect their carefully constructed social standing, which they value above honesty and their children’s well-being.
Given the long history of deception and the current emotional fallout, is the OP justified in completely dismantling his parents’ reputation to live truthfully, or was there a more measured approach to setting boundaries that could have preserved some level of family connection without sacrificing personal integrity?
Here’s how people reacted:
Forcing you to give up a friend because his parents divorced sounds abusive. You’re far from the only kid to be smoking; why make up a distant drug-addicted uncle? Your parents could have said “boys will be boys” and nobody would bat an eye. (It’s the only time I can condone it.) And pretending your sister’s Spanish boyfriend is a foreign exchange student sounds racist.
You reap what you sow, and your parents are reaping the results of their toxic behavior.
NTA
NTA
If they are going to go around telling lie after lie in a fantasy world, then it’s gonna hurt when good old Mr Truth comes around and smacks them in the face. Happens to all liars eventually.
You didn’t do it to be mean, you were just setting the record straight. Whatever “shame” that their dainty social circles put them in, is TOTALLY THEIR FAULT – not yours.
Your parents liked to set fires, well, now they got caught in one of their own making.
You’re wrong about this. All those slanderous lies your parents spread have now been exposed. You weren’t your parents’ only victims. Now everyone knows your parents can’t be trusted and you’ve saved whoever else they were going to target.
You’re NTA.
That pile of lies was just waiting to fall part. You can only invent a certain amount of bullshit before you get caught when someone goes “What? No.” They only have themselves to blame for building their castle on sand.
Its your fault your parents’ didn’t tell you want to say. (/j)
NTA
NTA
ESH regarding the rest, as it did serve no other purpose than hurt your parents.