Her childhood was marked by exclusion, a silent ache as she watched them live the experiences she was denied. While they skated, rode horses, and explored summer camps, she was left waiting—watching, longing, and cleaning up the pieces of a family that never quite made room for her.
I’m (23F) the youngest in my family with two older sisters, A (27F) and M (26F). In general, I’ve always felt my sisters were raised differently than me. They’re only a year and ten months apart, so they were only one grade apart in school and much closer than they were with me growing up.
They got to do all the same activities together, hung out with the same friend groups, and got to travel together once they were both in college. However, I was just the ‘little sister’ that they didn’t want around growing up.
For instance, I was literally kicked out of the house during M’s 16th birthday because I was still in middle school and they thought it’d be weird if I was there at the party (still had to clean up their mess when the party was over!).
Anyway, my sisters got to do a lot of cool activities that I didn’t get to do when I was growing up. They got to do ice skating, horseback riding lessons, all these cool summer camps, etc.
Growing up, all I did was sit at their lessons and wait for them to be over. The only activity I had was tennis for a year and a half before my parents canceled it. When my sisters left for college, my parents kind of checked out and didn’t really care I was still in high school.
I was pretty much just doing everything on my own. When they got older, my dad bought A three cars (over the course of 5 years) and my mom bought M a car. When I was old enough to drive, my parents said they didn’t have enough money to buy me a car, so I had to finance my first car.
My parents even helped them out with rent during college, car insurance, and any other expense. However, I have been pretty much supporting myself since I was 17.
Today, my sisters are both married with kids. A has two kids and M has one. My mom looks after all the kids while my sisters are working. Meanwhile, I’m in grad school very far away from my family.
Anyway, my mom has been complaining how she can’t handle watching 3 kids under the age of 2 at the same time, and has been bugging me to quit school to come help out watching the kids, which pissed me off because it feels like it’s just me revolving my life around my sisters again.
She was also pointing out how A has saved up enough money to buy a house which they don’t see me doing at her age cause I haven’t been saving as much as her (A was living at home until 3 months ago and didn’t pay for anything).That’s when I pretty much snapped and told her that maybe if they treated me equally as them financially, then perhaps I’d be buying a house at 27 as well.
She started going on about how it was difficult raising 3 kids, and I told her that she shouldn’t have 3 kids if she couldn’t handle it and treat all 3 equally. My mom got really upset and hung up the phone and hasn’t really reached out to me since.
I do feel kind of bad now though because they did provide me food and shelter growing up.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is grappling with deep-seated feelings of being undervalued and treated unequally compared to her older sisters throughout her life, particularly regarding financial support and parental attention. Her recent outburst, triggered by her mother demanding she sacrifice her education to provide childcare and comparing her financial status unfavorably to her sister’s, highlights a conflict between her need for self-determination and her family’s persistent expectation that she prioritize their needs over her own goals.
The core issue revolves around whether the OP is obligated to accept past inequities and current demands because her parents provided basic needs, or if her pursuit of education and independent future, free from familial obligation, is justified. Should the OP prioritize repairing the relationship with her mother now, or maintain the boundary she has set for her own future development?
Here’s how people reacted:
‘food and shelter’ isn’t even the bare minimum for a decent parent. The very idea that you should give up your own ambitions to come home and babysit your sister’s kids WHILE THEY ALSO SHAME YOU for not being able to save up for a house at 27 is both unreasonable and absolutely awful.
Your mother heard exactly what she deserved to hear, more than, because you’re not at all wrong. If they checked out on being your parent, then she doesn’t get to think she was a good parent to you.
Honestly, they clearly didn’t at all plan for you or your needs and that makes them pretty crap parents. If the only thing you can think of for positives is ‘they didn’t let me starve to death on the streets’? She deserves to hear way worse. And your dad too.
You said it: you’ve been supporting yourself since you were 17. That means you owe them nothing, including their own delusions. If she didn’t want to hear the truth, she shouldn’t have made it the truth.
ETA: In case it wasn’t clear: DON’T QUIT SCHOOL. Finish and make the life YOU want to make and know that you did it pretty much on your own.
ETA2: Oh hey wow, thank you!
I’m in an opposite situation where my parents didn’t do sh*t for me but then got themselves together in time to make my little sister’s high school and college years stress free and painless but are disappointed that I haven’t been able to get my life together and manage student debt.
It’s super hard to convince parents that they’re favoring one child (or in your case, two kids) over another. They don’t want to believe they’re doing that. My mother doesn’t believe it still, even after her friends and her own parents have mentioned it to her. I’m not sure how to wake someone up from their favoritism and my suggestion is just to keep doing what you’re doing. Live for your own happiness. Since they didn’t take responsibility for your happiness when you were growing up, don’t take responsibility for their expectations.
Also, NTA
Whats so bizarre about your situation is theres not even a huge age gap between you and your older siblings. Usually parents who check out like yours did have kids with really big gaps which goes some of the way to explaining them checking out.
You are close enough in age to them that them not putting the same effort and treatment into you is either favouritism or sheer and utter laziness
Im going with favouritism as your mother has asked you to drop out of college to help her look after your sisters kids
Go minimum contact for your own mental health op
Second, your parents set a precedent of support with your two siblings. You’re right to feel cheated. They either shouldn’t have had more kids then they could handle, or they shouldn’t have prioritized them over you.
I’m in the same situation. It fucks with your sense of self worth.
The thought that she could say that to you and still expect you to help is staggering
In the bright side, you sound really mature, like you have your shit together, which given how your parents treated (and still treat) you, says so much good about you. Mad respect, sister!
However telling your mom she shouldn’t have had 3 children is a moot point because it’s not like she can take it back.
She was being mean
You were being honest, a little harsh but honest