In a moment that seemed small but was anything but, the narrator stepped away, leaving behind an apartment filled with unspoken truths and simmering resentment. What unfolded in her absence would shatter illusions and force a reckoning, revealing the fragile boundaries between friendship, loyalty, and the harsh light of reality.
Recently, my fiancé “Sam” (23M) and I (23F) were catching up with one of Sam’s friends, let’s call him “Jake” (23M). Full disclosure: I’m not the biggest fan of Jake for various reasons (mostly his misogynistic comments), but put up with him for my fiancé’s sake.
Jake has been dating his girlfriend “Sarah” (24F) for almost 2 years now. I’ve never met Sarah in person, so all of the information I know about her comes from what Jake has told me.
To be frank, Jake often speaks poorly of Sarah. He calls her fat (she is not), says he hates her friends who are also fat (they are not), and repeatedly will bring up the names of other girls who he would happily leave Sarah for (even though these girls won’t do so much as give Jake the time of day).
Needless to say, it doesn’t appear that Jake treats Sarah very well. But this issue is the cherry on top.
When Jake was catching up with Sam and I in our apartment, I left briefly to go grab us some more drinks from the store down the street. When I returned and asked what I had missed, Sam started laughing.
He told me that Jake was just telling him how, in his 2-year relationship with Sarah, he had never made her orgasm at any point during sex. I was shocked and asked Jake if this was true, which he laughed at and then confirmed that it was.
He said it wasn’t a big deal, that he eventually bought her a vibrator and she used that to take care of herself on her own. He said that he had tried to make her orgasm before, but it always “took too long” and eventually he gave up.
I asked him if he knew what foreplay was, and he said obviously he did, but there usually wasn’t time for that. I was so surprised that he was freely admitting this to us, I kind of lost my filter and said “Well I feel bad for your girlfriend.
I mean, it’s not that hard, right Sam?”
All of a sudden Jake got defensive, and started saying that his sex life was none of our business (then why did he bring it up?), and that I was rude to insinuate that Sam was better in bed than he was.
I brushed him off and he left shortly afterwards. But after Jake was gone, Sam told me that I shouldn’t have made fun of him, and that he was inexperienced when he met Sarah, so this really isn’t his fault.
However, I feel like Jake has had this coming for a while. AITAH for telling Jake that I feel bad for his girlfriend, and implying he’s bad in bed?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) expressed strong feelings of sympathy for Jake’s girlfriend, directly challenging Jake’s admitted lack of effort in their sexual relationship. This action immediately created conflict, as Jake became defensive, and the OP’s fiancé, Sam, subsequently criticized the OP for making fun of Jake.
Was the OP justified in voicing discomfort over Jake’s admitted lack of sexual consideration toward his long-term partner, or did this cross a boundary into inappropriate, unsolicited criticism of another person’s private life? The core question remains whether social courtesy outweighs the ethical impulse to challenge poor treatment observed in others’ relationships.
Here’s how people reacted:
Also ngl I’d be a bit peeved to see my bf have such an L friend who can only speak poorly of their partner. Big yikes from me, not so much your BF of course, but still.
I wouldn’t keep that kind of trash around in my life, when a friend starts behaving this way and talking about people they, apparently care about… Like THAT? Wow. I can’t imagine what your BF’s friend has to say about your BF behind his back. Hell, he probably complains about you too. Just saying.
MANY men like Jake hide their behavior until marriage when they can isolate their spouses and make it harder to leave with combined finances and assets. I’m not saying Sam is an abuser but being okay with someone who blatantly mistreats women and saying nothing about it doesn’t really give confidence that he’s not either.
Which reflects onto your BF, and I have to admit, reflects in to you
You know what you have when you have two guys and one is a misogynist and the other doesn’t say anything about it? Two misogynists
Chances are, everything that Jake is saying, is being said for pure comedic value. So many friends have “story tellers” they just say things to make them laugh. It’s all be and jokes.
You are the proverbial heckler at a comedy club because the joke offended you.
Be less nice to Jake. And consider secretly recording some of his disgusting rants and sending them to his poor gf.
NTA for this but you need to take a good gard look at the company your fiance keeps
He sounds like a poor and lazy lover. I hope Sarah discovers what he really thinks of her before the relationship goes any further.
Pretty low to make light of someone’s sexual dysfunction just to throw some shade on the guy. It really calls into question all your other interpretation of his behavior. I suspect you are really the sexist one in this story.
Your fiancé is just letting it slide too, I bet.
your boyfriend is, though, for not shutting this down. And you both really need to talk to this pig’s poor girlfriend.