But just as she begins to heal, a shadow looms in the form of her sister’s fiancé, whose cruel “jokes” about her recovery cut deeper than he realizes. What should be a time of celebration is tainted by pain and disrespect, threatening to unravel the hard-won peace she’s fought so fiercely to achieve.
So I (32F) have been sober for just over two years now. I was an alcoholic and also struggled with drug addiction for a few years before I hit rock bottom and got my life together. It’s been a rough road, but I’m proud of the progress I’ve made.
I’m in a much better place now, and more importantly, I’ve been able to be a better mom to my son.
Here’s where things get tricky. My sister (28F) is getting married in a few months to this guy, Mike (33M). I’ve never been a huge fan of him, to be honest. He’s got this really crass sense of humor and always makes these awful “jokes” about my past.
At family dinners or get-togethers, he’ll say stuff like, “Careful, don’t let her near the wine” or “Hey, we gotta make sure there’s no drugs at the wedding, right?”
It’s always said in this joking tone but it feels so mean, and it really hurts because my recovery is something I take very seriously. I’ve asked him a few times to stop making these comments, and he just brushes it off like it’s no big deal.
“I’m just joking, lighten up,” he says. My sister just laughs along with him and says, “That’s just Mike, don’t take it to heart.”
But the thing is, it’s hard not to take it to heart. I’ve been through hell and back to get sober, and my past is not something I’m proud of. Every time he makes one of these jokes, I feel like I’m being dragged back into that dark place I fought so hard to leave behind.
I’ve tried talking to my sister about it, but she’s totally dismissive. “You’re being too sensitive,” she says. “Mike’s just trying to have fun, don’t make a big deal out of it.” My parents are on her side too.
They think I should just suck it up and go to the wedding, that I’m making too much of it and should just laugh along for the sake of family harmony. They keep telling me it’s “just a joke” and to stop being so dramatic.
But it’s not funny to me. I don’t think it’s fair that I have to sit there and be mocked for one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. And honestly, I’m scared being around that atmosphere at the wedding could make me want to drink again.
I’m proud of my sobriety, but it’s still fragile, and I know being around people who don’t understand what I’ve been through is hard for me.
So now, I’m considering not going to the wedding. My sister is furious and says I’m being selfish for making her big day about me. My parents think I’m overreacting, and that I should just let Mike’s comments slide for the sake of family peace.
But why should I have to be around someone who constantly makes me the butt of the joke over something so painful? I don’t want to cause a rift in my family, but I also don’t want to put myself in a position where I feel unsafe emotionally.
AITAH for not wanting to go to my sister’s wedding because her fiancé’s jokes hurt too much, and no one in my family is standing up for me?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is facing a significant conflict where her commitment to long-term sobriety clashes directly with her family’s desire for superficial peace. The OP feels emotionally attacked and unsafe due to her future brother-in-law’s persistent, hurtful jokes about her past addiction, which her sister and parents dismiss as harmless fun. This forces the OP into an untenable position: either endure emotional distress and risk her recovery for a family event or prioritize her well-being by potentially alienating her immediate family.
Is the OP justified in prioritizing her emotional safety and sobriety by skipping her sister’s wedding when the primary source of distress refuses to stop his behavior and the rest of the family minimizes her feelings? Or should she attend, attempt to tolerate the hurtful environment for the sake of family unity, and risk the integrity of her two years of recovery?
Here’s how people reacted:
Congratulations on being sober!!! That’s huge! If you’re in AA, go to a meeting and talk about this. They may have insight or something to help you in your decision. I would also try having conversations with your family separate from your sisters FH. Maybe they will be able to see how his words affect you.
Start making jokes about his micro penis and his butt plug collection. He might not have either but it’s just a joke, right?
You have no drugs or alcohol in your system. He (possibly) has no butt plug up his ass. So it’s a level playing field.
The real twats here are your sister and your parents.
First of all you are not making your sister’s big day about you. You are removing yourself to make sure that it ISN’T about you because her partner seems obsessed with making everything about you.
Your parents really take the award for the most useless parents on the planet. If they want family peace they should be supporting YOU, THEIR ACTUAL CHILD, rather than a bellend with no manners, no compassion and no filters.
All I can think is that they are so desperate to get your sister off their hands that they will put up with anything to make it happen. If you look at it this way you can smile through it then tell them all to fuck off at the end of the wedding reception 😉
Hope this helps x
But I’m recently clean after a decade long drug addiction and the wedding was at a brewery so I really didn’t feel comfortable being around all that alcohol. I asked “is there a chance I’m gonna walk in the bathroom and find somebody doing lines?” “…Yes there is a chance that might happen” I was told. So I didn’t go.
Being at a wedding is a gigantic trigger, especially to someone with an alcohol addiction. All of this is to say I wouldn’t give it a second thought if one of the people being married was so disrespectful to me. Congrats on just over 2 years! It’s a long hard road but so worth it isn’t it? We have about the same amount of time.
This sounds to be either an immature or highly toxic person. My condolences to the bride.
Passive aggressive manipulative option: you’d love to go but he has made you nervous about being there in that environment with the drinking. You really wanted to go, but he ruined it for you. You didn’t want to blame him but they keep pressuring you, so you feel like you are forced to be completely honest. He has made it unsafe. Sorry. There is nothing you can do. You talked it over with your sponsor and they agreed even more strongly. It’s out of your hands.
I mean addiction is not fun for people experiencing it and there can be serious negative impacts on loved ones; I could understand if your experience had negative impacts on Mike specifically, but it sounds like he is just an AH and your family just…enables his crappy behaviour.
Recovery is NOT EASY, you’re amazing, you deserve having your hard work celebrated and supported by the people who are supposed to love you.
People who care, don’t prioritize their “good intentions” over the interpretation or impact of their words in other people. That’s a gross way to relate to others, Mike sounds like the king of the D-bags.
Ask him awkward questions and he will stop (if he is smart enough) e.g., “Why shouldn’t I go near the wines?” … “Why would there be drugs at your wedding?”
Whatever he responds with, you can then say, “Why would you think my addiction is something to speak lightly of?”
If your sister and your parents get made about you making things awkward, you can let them know that you’ve been sitting through his comments for awhile and they are being horrible parents/sister for enabling his behaviour, especially since they witnessed how the addiction impacted you. BIL should be told that you don’t make “jokes” out of other people’s suffering.
He’s a bully and a few other things I won’t say because I’d be banned. Don’t go to the wedding and be honest about it. “My sister’s marrying an assh*le who thinks my sobriety is a joke. He can do stand-up with someone else’s life.”
Your family are appeasers who are counting on you not to rock the boat. Rock it and then find people who care about you. NTA.
NTA. Protect yourself, since your family will not have your back.
I feel really bad for any future kids in that relationship. They’re going to be taught that meanness is normal and that it’s a victim’s responsibility not to feel, not that it’s an abuser’s responsibility not to abuse.
Congratulations on your sobriety. I know you fought hard for it. I know every day it’s a choice. I know how much you are ready to live in the now and I hope the people around you make space for that.
Mike sucks… but your family is worse for allowing it after you’ve made it clear how it makes you feel.
Maybe just go and if he says anything say ‘ well…. Better to be an addict in recovery than someone who enjoys being emotionally abusive marrying someone with such low self esteem they think that dude is all they’re worth’
Your family are even bigger assholes, considering they have a greater context of your struggles and a refusal to clamp down on the jokes is Cowardly.
Please stay strong and on the wagon. Good luck
Huge congrats on your sobriety.
Maybe Mike should STFU for the sake of family unity. It’s disgusting that he’s constantly reminding you that to him you’re nothing more than an addict and your sister and parents won’t make him stop being cruel to their own flesh and blood. Don’t go. Let them cry about it.
If your sister has a problem with that you tell her it’s not too late to find a good man.
NTA
Next time he makes one of these ‘jokes’ and someone says it’s a joke say oh sorry I misunderstood, I thought jokes were funny not to humiliate someone about their darkest times.
This is exactly the kind of bullying behaviour we try to stamp out of kids, and he’s supposed to be an adult.
nta