As he fights to heal his fractured body, the wounds of the past claw at the fragile threads of their marriage. Her attempt to confront the painful truth is met with anger and distance, revealing a chasm of misunderstanding and unspoken pain. In this fragile moment, love and trust hang in the balance, as they both struggle to navigate a new, uncertain reality.
My husband got into an accident a few weeks ago while on his way home from work, and was rushed to the hospital. My mother in law called me and told me he was almost dying and I freaked out.
When I got there the doctors told me he kept asking for his ex, and that they had to sedate him because he wouldn’t stop freaking out because she wasn’t there. I thought it was okay since the car crash was so bad but the doctors told me it wasn’t.
He fractured his legs and there was a minor fracture in his arm. And he wasn’t on any drugs either. He was saved from serious injuries especially brain. I let it go at that moment because his health came first, but now that he’s home and recovering I can’t help but be bothered by it.
I brought it up last night (3 weeks after the accident) and he went off at me saying I don’t know what it feels like to be in that position and that I made his misery about myself. He said I don’t understand the dynamic between them and what they had, so I should stop bringing it up and that this wasn’t about me, and that he was allowed to ask for her since he was hurt and she would calm him down.
Then he texted his mother who berated me over it. She says my main priority should be caring for him till he’s back on his feet. A part of me wants to be petty and leave and tell him to call his ex and ask her to take care of him instead.
I’ve been taking care of him and catering to all his needs and I haven’t even gotten a single thank you.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is struggling with significant emotional distress after learning her husband asked for his ex-partner while severely injured and later dismissed her feelings about the incident. The central conflict lies between the OP’s justifiable hurt and the husband’s insistence that his past relationship dynamic overrides her current emotional needs, especially when she is actively providing care.
Considering the OP’s dedication to care versus the husband’s defense of his request rooted in past emotional connection, the core question remains: Is the OP overreacting by voicing her feelings about a traumatic incident, or does her partner owe her consideration and validation regarding his explicit request for another woman during a medical crisis?
Here’s how people reacted:
Letting this fester is not going to help anyone in the long term. So it does need acknowledging eventually whether now is the best time to bring it up……
Things to consider.
In his moment of crisis you were not the person he wanted. To the point he got hysterical about his need for his ex…You should probably consider couples counselling once he is on his feet again. You are entitled to be really upset. Which is why you are NTA…This reaction could suggest you were and still are the compromise wife because he could not have the one he actually wanted….which would mean your marriage is a lie because he hasn’t forsaken all others….
He is several weeks out of hospital you don’t say how bad his injuries are…are we talking a non complex broken leg or post emergency internal abdominal surgery….. It makes a difference. If he is sitting on the sofa with his leg/arm in a cast watching Netflix with a bell so he can ring for more snacks he can have the conversation. If he is in bed drugged up to the eyeball bruised from head to toe barely able to get himself to the lavatory then now is absolutely not the time.
Ultimately I suspect you are going to find there is always a reason for him to avoid this conversation and I suspect most of them will Centre around how unreasonable you are being to bring it up…. This is potentially a trust breakdown depending on how he chooses to deal with it in the future will give you a lot of answers.
Good luck! Your feeling are valid don’t let anyone tell you they are not…..It’s an enormous slap in the face…..you may need to bide your time for a bit though.
He wouldnt get so angry and defensive over this, if there is nothing to it. How would he feel if something happened to you and you were screaming, going crazy asking for your ex, to the point you had to be sedated?
He should be able to talk with you about this calmly and honestly. You both are fairly young so you probably havent been married more than a few years at most .
The “honeymoon” phase is usually one of the best in a marriage but yet he is still “going crazy” calling for his ex in the hospital. That doesnt make sense.
He should be willing to explain himself, even if its not easy for him, even if its not something you want to hear. Because what happened is not private between the two of you, people all over the hospital know about him calling for his ex, as does his mother, since he involved her.
If he really feels more comfort with his ex, which he obviously must, you deserve to understand where you fit into things. He could have called out your name, he couldve called out for his mother, or he could called out for one of his male friends.
He could have asked for anyone, but he didnt. He called out for his ex like a crazy person until he had to be sedated. This requires a conversation. So there is obviously something he feels with her or from her that he doesnt get from others, including you.
There is a saying “the ugliest truth is better than the most beautiful lie”. You deserve the truth
> *”I waited three weeks to bringing it up. Till he was doing better mentally and physically. I asked him what his thought process was to be calling for her, and he just shut me out saying I would never understand what they had, and that i should stop making his accident and his trauma about myself”*
NTA. His response clearly shows he’s trying to victimise himself and made no attempt to even say it wasn’t intentional, showing no regard for OP’s feelings while trying to make her believe she had no right to even think or question this situation.
OP could’ve had no insecurity and just been curious/found it funny, but he point-blank got defensive and turned it around on her just for asking.
He knew what he was doing. If he wants his ex so bad he should get back with her. I would have a hard time moving forward with him after this.
For anyone who didn’t see her comment, when she asked him about it 3 weeks later, he said “He said i don’t understand the dynamic between them and what they had, so i should stop bringing it up and that this wasn’t about me, and that he was allowed to ask for her since he was hurt and she would calm him down” he clearly knew what he was doing. It wasn’t drugs. It wasn’t hysteria.
Unless he’s 100% recovered it’s too soon to mention something that happened when he literally wasn’t at his full cognitive abilities. He might have been so confused that his memory lapsed back to a time when they were dating – he can’t help that.
Regardless, it sounds like it’s too soon to bring it up. He needs to be well enough to discuss it.
EDIT: Please see the rest of the thread to see that I said NTA and am very much on OP’s side with this one!
Also, he called his mom on you? For real? How childish. NGL, if you can live with whatever the answer may be, you should ask him if you should go ahead and leave so she can take care of him. You’re too young to put up with nonsense.
NTA. RUN.
You’re his wife why is he calling for his ex and telling you it was something special that you don’t understand.
Yeah he had an accident but especially at a time like this he should be asking for you not his ex. Honey, RUN.
Just because he’s hurt doesn’t justify him not being over his ex.
I’m not even married and I’d still ask for my current partner over me ex
/edit: in the comments OP says the husband was aware and tried to justify asking for the ex. NTA, I guess…
Y T A – he was in a serious car crash and probably was dealing with brain trauma. he could have been calling out for you but the wiring in his brain was legit short circuting and his brain was pulling his ex’s name.
For all you know that was a symptom of his trauma.