What was meant to be a night of laughter and togetherness turned into a painful reminder that sometimes, even the closest hearts struggle to understand each other. The invisible scars of loss cast a long shadow, challenging the family to navigate the fine line between support and control amid their shared love.
My son (22M) and his girlfriend, “April” (22F) live with us.
My daughter (24F) moved out but visits often. The other day was my daughter’s birthday and she came over for dinner. We ordered take out, watched a movie, had a good time. She also wanted to make these drinks she found online.
Here’s the issue, my April doesn’t drink. Her dad died due to an alcohol related disease and it scares her. I completely get it. But it’s my daughter’s birthday. She didn’t have to drink, we had alternatives and this is just what myself, my daughter, daughter’s fiancé and my husband were doing.
Well, this bothered April. We weren’t getting drunk, just sipping on the deck and having a good time. My son pulled me aside and said we should stop. I said no, it was his sister’s birthday and while I feel for April, she can’t control who drinks and who doesn’t.
My son got even more aggravated and he and April spent the rest of their night in their room.
The next day, April texted my daughter saying if you need alcohol to have fun, you have a problem. My daughter just sent an eye roll emoji back. I told April to mind her own business and that she doesn’t have to drink, but she can’t control others.
She got really upset and said we made her uncomfortable. I said alcohol exists and if she’s that bothered by it, she needs some help. My son feels I crossed a line. My husband thinks I shouldn’t have said that either.
I do feel bad, but I won’t be preached at in my own house. Am I an asshole?
Conclusion
The core conflict revolves around the OP prioritizing their daughter’s birthday celebration, which included moderate alcohol consumption, over the stated discomfort of their son’s girlfriend, April, who has a strong aversion to alcohol due to past family trauma. The OP stood firm on the principle of personal choice and autonomy within their own home, leading to a significant emotional backlash from both April and their son.
Given the OP’s firm stance that April cannot dictate the behavior of others in their home versus April’s deeply rooted trauma making the environment genuinely distressing, the central question remains: Where should the boundary lie when one person’s completely legal, moderate activity directly conflicts with another person’s serious, trauma-based anxiety, especially within a shared living situation?
Here’s how people reacted:
She could have some pretty messed up stuff that happened in her past that you may need to recognize and deal with if you care about your son and her. Blowing her off is because “my house my rules” is a recipe for disaster.
I mean… your response to someone telling you that they are uncomfortable is to totally blow off their feelings. What if, for the sake of argument, she feels this way because her dad beat her when he got drunk whenever he had vodka? The sight of a bottle might legitimately trigger PTSD. Or maybe she herself is a recovering alcoholic and the sight of you having *a* drink is causing absurd conflict.
Generally speaking, if you care about a person and they tell you that what you’re doing is making them uncomfortable the right thing to do is to stop. Obviously there are exceptions…. but if your son and his gf go the distance, don’t expect them to come over with the grandkids.
Edit: forgot about the living with you part. Obviously that’s a complication and should have been discussed beforehand. If you aren’t going to stop having drinks and she isn’t okay with it you should part ways.
So unless the GF owns the home, which clearly she doesn’t, she doesn’t get to dictate house rules especially when you literally aren’t forcing her to drink. And her rude text to your daughter was uncalled for so I feel like you responded the best you could given the unnecessary comment she made to your daughter.
Honestly, if it wasn’t for the last thing you said to April then you would be 100% NTA but because of that it’s only about 90% haha
No, April. It doesn’t work that way. I have the disease, so I cannot drug or use drugs. My husband is a normie. I don’t control what he drinks. I just ask that he not bring it in the house (my safe space with no substances in it) and brush his teeth before kissing me.
I do not get to go out and publicly dictate what everyone else does. That is entitlement.
However, when a family member has these insidious diseases, other family members suffer. She probably has some trauma that that was triggering is some way. The appropriate way to deal with that is therapy and perhaps AlAnon.
And it’s your house.
ETA: re your remark about her needing help, I think 1) you’re not wrong about that and 2) it was made after her remark about having a problem “if you need alcohol to have fun”. My sympathy goes waaay down when it’s a your-own-medicine type situation so I don’t think you’re TA for that either.
April *does* need help. The entire world isn’t going to go alcohol free because she is uncomfortable with it, and she needs to be able to function in the world.
Also the “if you need alcohol to have fun you have a problem” thing, no, just no. Her dad had a problem, sure. But there is a long way between social drinks for a special occasion and alcoholism. While April’s attitude to alcohol isn’t as destructive as her father’s, it still isn’t healthy, and it isn’t kind of her to speak to people the way she did.
*edit: moved a poorly placed quotation mark that was bugging me
April crossed a line with the “drink to have fun” comment. Huge AH here!!
The “need help” comment, while true likely, only made the situation worse. She might benefit from Al Anon meetings or counseling. It would help if this were discussed when no one is angry and not used as a clap back. Sorry, that was a bit of an AH thing to say in that moment.
Let the downvoted begin…..
it’s true, if you are so bothered by the existence of alcohol – even though I understand where she is coming from – seeking help is a good idea. She might benefit from counseling to help her through her PTSD.
It’s ok to be respectful of her feelings. It is also ok, to enjoy a drink or two in nice company. She does not get to control what you do in your house.
I can’t imagine telling someone they can’t drink in their own home during a birthday celebration.
Are you supposed to not ever drink the entire time she lives there? Because that isn’t reasonable. I understand she has trauma and it’s valid, but she can’t expect you to not drink in your own home. Nor should she be sending your daughter that message.
It sounds like April needs therapy to deal with her loss. Yes, if you abuse alcohol it can be harmful. So can a lot of other things. As long as you’re responsible it’s fine.
Also, it’s your home and therefore you get to choose how to behave. If April was that upset by it she could have excused herself.
“She got really upset and said we made her uncomfortable. “
Sorry, your house is NOT her “safespace”
Your son is in for a miserable life if April has a problem with people drinking.
NTA
When her and your son have a house they can make the rules regarding alcohol. It doesn’t sound like you guys were getting drunk or being rude to them about them not drinking.
Honestly it does seem like april is the one who needs help. She can’t honestly expect everyone in her life to never drink around her especially when she’s living in her boyfriends parents house.