As the wedding day approaches, the bonds between past and present lovers blur the lines of conventional love stories. The presence of an ex as a bridesmaid, instead of a source of tension, becomes a symbol of deep friendship and mutual respect. This tale is a heartfelt reminder that love, in all its forms, is about connection, understanding, and the unbreakable ties that hold us together.
My big sister is my best friend in the entire world. She’s literally the coolest, funniest, most fun person I’ve ever known and she’s always been my hero. She’s also a lesbian. She’s currently engaged to a really really cool lady who I love almost as much as my sister.
The wedding is going to be happening in December (lockdown rules dependent of course).
They’ve sent out all the invites and stuff. One of my sister’s bridesmaids is her current fiancé’s ex. They’re all friends and quite close so it’s not weird for them at all. My sister often makes jokes about how all lesbians know each other and how lesbian relationships tend to work.
For example; my girlfriend and I were together a year before we moved in together, and my sister joked that “that’s like a decade in Lesbian Years”. My girlfriend asked me about the ex being in the wedding party and why they chose to do so cause it seemed like it would be awkward.
I said it isn’t for them and she asked why. I just shrugged and said “I don’t know man, lesbians.”
My girlfriend got pretty mad at me and said that was homophobic and playing into stereotypes and I shouldn’t have said it. My sister laughed when I told her but idk, the things my gf said are sticking with me and making me feel pretty bad.
What do you lot think?
Conclusion
The original poster feels conflicted because their dismissive response about their sister’s relationship choices—attributing them simply to being ‘lesbians’—has caused significant upset with their girlfriend, who interpreted the comment as homophobic and stereotyping. The central conflict lies between the OP’s casual acceptance (or perhaps lack of deep thought) regarding their sister’s social dynamics and their girlfriend’s expectation of sensitivity regarding potentially harmful generalizations.
Was the original poster’s casual, shorthand explanation regarding their sister’s social circle and the inclusion of the ex-partner a harmless joke reflecting in-group understanding, or did this reliance on generalization cross a line into harmful stereotyping that invalidated their girlfriend’s concerns? Should the OP prioritize defending their sister’s lifestyle or validating their girlfriend’s perception of homophobia in the comment?
Here’s how people reacted:
It sounds like your gf doesn’t know a lot of lesbians, unlike you, and to her it might have sounded like you meant that lesbians are all hyper sexual and into orgies and will bring their exes to parties with their current partners because we’re all that horny or something. Which was not what you meant and probably never thought of, but believe me that mindset is alive and well among straight people who don’t know a lot of lesbians or wlw in general.
I understand why your sister laughed, I would have too and all of it is so spot on for lesbian relationships. But maybe sit down with your gf and explain what you meant? Because I really do think she thought you meant something vastly different than you did. Not only could it, and her general lack of understand of how lesbian relationships often work, create conflict between the two of you, but also between her and your sister and sister’s wife. So a bit of preemptive talk to/education of her might be a really good idea.
And best wishes to your sister and her future wife. And the ex.
I feel like sometimes, you have to take into account the optics of the situation, especially when they don’t really know the context (I don’t know how close your GF and your sister are).
It is a joke that plays on queer stereotypes, that your sister acknowledges have some validity, and therefore finds to be funny. But even a playful, ribbing type of rude, is still rude.
And I get it: I also make these jokes about myself, all the time. I tell these jokes in front of my friends who are queer, and friends who know me well enough to get it.
But I don’t joke like that when people don’t know me yet. Because if they don’t know that I’m queer (~~admittedly, people can tell~~), it just sounds like I’m telling off-colour jokes that they might not be comfortable with, whether or not they’re straight. It’s more about knowing your audience.
When you make jokes about a group you are not a part of, there is a lot to consider. First off, it would be very easy for anyone who heard the comment and didn’t have the details of your close, supportive relationship with your sister would not be wrong to be offended. And even if you are a great supportive sibling all of the time and your sister is completely comfortable with you making these kinds of jokes, it can still be harmful by reinforcing stereotypes to people outside of the community. You’re not wrong that making a joke about your sister’s sexuality in a safe environment of only supportive people is probably okay, and your girlfriend is not wrong that those types of jokes are potentially harmful and should be treated very cautiously.
I say this as someone who is aromatic asexual so not a lesbian but I make lesbian jokes to my lesbian friends and they made aro/ace jokes at me.
I get you’re super course to you’re sister and all her lesbian friends, but you’re still not a lesbian, and therefore don’t get rights to make fun of lesbians, even if it’s harmless.it’s a bad look.
Btw everything your sister said is so true! My cousin met her girlfriend moved in and we’re married in about 6 months, they say it’s just a lesbian thing too.