The revelation shattered his confidence and left him drowning in a sea of disbelief, hurt, and confusion. How could she hide such a fundamental truth all this time? The weight of her silence crushed him, leaving him questioning everything he thought he knew about their marriage and himself.
I (34M) have been with my wife (32F) for 8 years, married for 5. I always thought our sex life was solid. She seemed into it, I put in effort, and honestly? I thought I was pretty damn good in bed.
Then, last week, we were having a deep conversation about our relationship, just talking about things we could improve. Out of nowhere, she drops: “I should probably tell you… I’ve never actually had an orgasm with you.”
I laughed because I legit thought she was joking. She wasn’t.
Turns out, she’s been faking it our entire relationship. Eight. Damn. Years. I was stunned. I asked why she never told me, and she said she “didn’t want to hurt my feelings” and that “it’s not a big deal.”
Not a big deal?? I’ve been walking around thinking I was a sex god while she was out here giving Oscar-worthy performances.
I won’t lie—I feel like a complete idiot. I told her I would have rather known sooner so we could, y’know, fix it. But now, I just feel embarrassed, frustrated, and kinda betrayed.
I get that she didn’t want to make me feel bad, but I also feel like she took away my chance to actually learn and improve. Like, was I that bad that she thought honesty wasn’t even worth it?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is experiencing significant distress, feeling foolish, embarrassed, and betrayed after learning his wife has been faking orgasms for their entire eight-year relationship. His conflict stems from his belief that he was a good sexual partner being sharply contrasted with his wife’s actions, where her desire to protect his ego prevented open communication about a critical aspect of their intimacy.
Is the husband overreacting to a situation his wife claims was motivated by kindness and a desire to avoid hurting his feelings, or was the suppression of this crucial information for eight years an act of dishonesty that fundamentally undermined the trust and potential for genuine intimacy in their marriage?
Here’s how people reacted:
She is the asshole here for the exact points you made, she has an 8 year repeated lie going, but try to show her some grace. I am possitive admitting that was not easy for her, make your collective focus on how you can grow and learn now that you both have a more honest understanding of your sex life.
For some women, not getting off during sex has been made to be their failure. The reality for many is they can have great, gratifying sex without that final peak and still be satisfied.
Ps – noone is a fully formed sex God with no room for improvement. Don’t feel like an idiot, don’t feel embarrassed, just reset your meter in recognition of we can always find new ways to highten intimacy. She just opened a door you didnt no existed, with alot of opportunity behind it. Work together to embrace the possibilities while recognizing 10-15% of women have never had an orgasm and ~50% struggle.
It makes me wonder (maybe you know) if she has ever even had an orgasm in past relationship. Or if she had a partner react badly to finding out she didn’t have them so she started faking out of habit to make her partner, including you now, satisfied with the thought they made her cum.
Some women, like myself, get plenty of pleasure from PIV sex and don’t need an orgasm to feel sexually satisfied. It takes a lot of work to make some women finish to the point it gets tiresome, even for the woman and we can’t be bothered, lol.
Communication is key here from now on. Ask her what, if anything, makes her orgasm and if she’d like to start exploring that with you. Pull up an adult store online and order a few things. Date her again if life has gotten hectic for y’all in the last few years….hopefully she’ll be receptive and not shut you down. Good luck OP!
I can’t speak on behalf of your wife so take this as only from a stranger’s perspective. Your wife did not say sex was bad or that you were bad. She just said she’s never had an orgasm with you. She even told you the reason she withheld the information is because she didn’t want to hurt you. Truthfully, there’s a lot of pressure on both parties to be “great” at sex. Chances are you won’t always have mind blowing sex every single time. Should your wife have told you sooner? Absolutely. But when is the best time to deliver information that could potentially hurt the person you love?
You say she took away your opportunity to learn and improve. Ummm I beg to differ. She has given you the opportunity to learn and improve. Up until now you were operating on the idea that you had nothing left to learn. It doesn’t seem like it now because the news is fresh and you are questioning things, but trust me, your wife has just given you an opportunity. It’s never too late to learn. The question is, are you willing to learn?
My sister was almost 40 and had never had an O with any of her partners. But she wanted them to still love her and not leave her so yes, she faked it. It’s extremely common. I think you need to get out of your ego and your hurt fee fees and try to find ways now to help your wife get more pleasure because she probably finally feels safe in your relationship to tell you these things. She’s opening up. If you shut down now you’re going to cause a lot of damage and is your ego more important than your love between you and your wife?
YTA cause that conversation could have been with much more empathy but you made it about you.
Second, sexual dysfunction is a taboo subject. Many cultures make it very hard to talk about these issues. She might have hidden her side out of fear of being inadequate. Or because she didn’t know what to do. Once you’ve had space for your very valid emotions, make some room for hers. She might have some stuff she needs help working through. It can be awkward at first, but working through it together rocks. Like so much. Keep talking and being vulnerable. You’ll get there.
I don’t know you wife but it doesn’t seem like she considered how this would affect you and just didn’t want to have the difficult conversation.
Do you get the impression that her priority really was to not hurt you or rather to protect her own comfort?
Is she understanding/trying to unterstand your feelings now? (If she said it’s not a big deal she doesn’t seem to unterstand that it’s obviously a big deal to you).
I would also have a hard time trusting her in other areas. If it was so easy to lie to you for 8! years about this what else is she not being honest about?
Update me
Anyway my advice is to sit down and talk with her and see if there’s a root cause. You’re partners so she also needs to understand your perspective. Then I would try to see it as an opportunity to get intimate really find out what turns her and you on and experiment. It may take time and patience but hoping that at the end you get to a mutually satisfying sex life.
I get that your feelings are hurt. But I used to fake it nearly 100% of the time too because it just took forever and I would get anxious about my partner getting bored. It was a whole thing.
Buy her a magic wand and learn how to use it. You’re welcome.
She basically robbed you of the chance to improve, communicate, and actually make sex enjoyable for both of you. And now you’re sitting here questioning everything because she decided faking was easier than honesty. That’s not protecting you, that’s avoiding the work.
You’re not overreacting. You deserve a partner who values real intimacy, not just playing along to keep the peace. It’s time for some brutally honest conversations, or this resentment is only gonna get
You suck because you obviously missed some signals. A woman moaning and saying she’s come isn’t the entirety of an orgasm. Didn’t you feel whether her muscles were clenching, whether she was getting wetter, all the physical responses that are not easy to fake?
You also suck for thinking you’re a sex god lmao.
She sucks because faking is a shitty behaviour and we should never ever do it. It’s gross. And especially gross to do for years and years.
I hope you guys can work together to improve this but you’re both ridiculous if this has went on so long.
I’d figure out if she feels like this in any other area, if she feels she can’t be honest about her feelings with you without repercussions cuz that feeling can bleed into other areas of your life, it rarely stays in one lane.
Sex her up good my man, figure out what she likes! She might not know but you can have fun figuring it out together!
I’d be pissed that she’d be defrauding me without feeling able to communicate what she needed.
You’re pissed that you’re not a sex god.
Feels pretty assholey to me.
Time to upgrade your game. Toys…sure. Whatever it takes to get her off. Eat pussy like she wants you to.
Why are you acting like its too late to learn and improve now?