OCD is an explanation, not an excuse. It’s also not his fault, but it is his responsibility to manage.

Those two things are things we say a lot in the ADHD sub to ppl seeking advice.

The bottom line here is that your bf is not treating his disability and it’s worsening. He is 100% in the wrong here.

I’m going to say this as someone who is probably old enough to be your mom- prepare an exit plan. You can’t manage this for him but you can’t let it affect your life so severely, either. I’m assuming you live together? Have a plan so you can leave. Have a place to go and enough money saved to move out at a moments notice. If you don’t already have that, put every spare penny away until you do. I mean EVERY spare penny. You need enough for first, last, and security on your own place close to your job, to set up utilities, and to hire movers for your stuff. Do this for yourself bc if the OCD keep going the way it’s going it’s a matter of time before you have to leave. When, not if.

It is also 100% your right to issue an ultimatum in this situation. You get help or I leave. Don’t issue it until you have the money you need, though. Bc you have to leave once you say that. And you have to be clear. You have one month to find a psych and a therapist. You have 2 mos to start medication, and you have 3 months to have a marked improvement. If not, I’m out of here.

You don’t have the right to force ppl to medicate but you absolutely do have the right to tell someone that you’ll leave if they don’t. In this situation, it’s not going to get better without medication. Look at it like diabetes. If he was trying to control it with diet but it wasn’t working you’d tell him to get on meds bc you’re not going to watch him die. You’re not going to sit back and enable your bf to mentally die due to OCD.

Take care of yourself first. Remember that you can’t love someone out of OCD and love isn’t enough to stay in this situation.

I have ocd. Sometimes support looks mean. Sometimes it’s “this has become a problem, and you need to get professional help, period.” Sometimes it’s setting boundaries for your own wellbeing, too, like refusing to leave late for compulsive behaviors. And sometimes, you come to the conclusion that you can’t continue to support someone who refuses to help themselves. And that’s OK, too.

He is not managing his ocd himself. Allowing himself to take more and more time for compulsive behaviors is detrimental to him. Insisting you stay and watch (while silent, no less) is absolutely unfair to you. And you aren’t helping him in the long run by being complicit to his compulsions.

Your own mental illness is never your fault, but it’s always your responsibility. I have a responsibility to myself and everyone around me to actively try and manage my ocd, and to seek out and accept qualified help. Progress isn’t linear, and sometimes I need room to backslide and be worse some days, but I’m still *actively working at it*.

**I’ve gently encouraged him to seek professional help, but he refuses and insists he can manage it on his own.**

NTA. Sorry, but while I’m very empathetic to those dealing with mental health issues I have far less empathy for people who refuse to get professional help when their life is so gravely impacted. He is NOT managing it “on his own” and from what you say he’s getting worse.

My BIL lost his wife and almost lost his job before he finally got professional help and meds that allow him to live a better life.

Sit him down and TELL him that things are going to be changing. He will be getting professional help or he’ll need to find a divorce lawyer. Going forward you’ll give him the option to come to events was a stated time that you’ll be pulling out of the driveway at that EXACT time and if he’s not in the car he can either drive himself separately OR stay home.

It’s time for some tough love.

NTA. Your partner is an adult. As an adult, he is responsible for finding solutions to his health and behavior when it impacts you and other people.

While showing sympathy and support to a partner is healthy, allowing their refusal to get treatment to negatively impact your life is not healthy – it’s enabling.

Enabling OCD will often lead to it getting progressively worse, until it consumes your lives.

Stop enabling this, and make it clear that he _isn’t managing_ his OCD if it’s worsening, or if he’s causing quality of life problems for you both.

He is upset because you forced him to face the consequences of his choice to not get treatment. He wants someone to blame other than himself.

I’m sorry to say, that eventually, OCD could destroy your marriage without treatment. Better to address it now, rather than wait until it becomes an all consuming problem.

NTA.

He can’t manage it on his own and this is a perfect illustration of just how well that’s working for him. He needs help, but you can’t force him to get any, so you have to decide how you can deal with this. I would give it one last stab to get him to seek professional guidance, but if he says no, you need to make it very clear that you will not be enabling his behaviour. If you say you’re leaving to do something at a certain time, that’s when you’re going. If he doesn’t like that, he knows what he needs to do.

I don’t love jumping to divorce, but you do need to ask yourself if you are willing to spend the rest of your life with someone who has a real illness, but refuses to get help, particularly when his illness has a significant negative impact on you.

NTA – I’m sorry you are both dealing with this, but honestly, while marriage is about shared burdens, it is HIS OCD, not yours. I’d start making driving separately more of a thing I did, because being late makes me crazy.

Furthermore, if he doesn’t understand that you cannot be late for a work event, then that is on him. He owes YOU an apology for putting you through all of this without giving a care about how it impacts your life that he doesn’t want to address his issues.

I would use this event for a bigger talk that starts off with how you refuse to be late anymore and he can either get started on leaving early or he can meet you there when he is done with his OCD checks.

Tell your partner this –

OCD is a by product of trapped emotion – could be childhood / adult trauma/ wounds, guilt, shame, anger any emotions/ beliefs that is unresolved and gets triggered

If he chooses not to get therapy/ help and address these issues he will be trapped As a prisoner in his mind for the rest of His life and it will effect everyone in his life for ever

He does not need to be prisoner in his mind (fear based patterning) dehabilitating it is
His choice for small amount time
Facing head on his issues for then peace of mind

It is his choice he decides the rest of his life ! W

My ex had anxiety and panic attacks. I tried to get him to see a doctor because there are meds that manage it well. He refused. It got to the point I could not leave the house because he would call several times A MINUTE to insure I wasn’t dead.

I again asked him to see a doctor. He refused and said everyone had panic attacks. I said I didn’t he told me I should.

That was the end. I kicked him out. I was not going to be a prisoner of his mental health issues. It felt awesome to no longer have to live with his anxiety.

Kick him out. It might give him incentive to get help.

I have OCD. I’m sure it sucks for my partner. I would never expect them to be late to my own event, let along a professional work event, because of it. Allowing him to go through 30+ minutes of unreasonable behavior that make you late to things without challenge isn’t being “supportive”. Being supportive is encouraging him to get help because his life and now yours is being negatively impacted by something he refuses to be treated for. 

Newsflash, he’s not managing it if it’s getting worse. 

My ex-wife wasn’t ocd. I am the type if I am not 10 minutes early, I am late. I told her that her behavior has gone too far. I will not be late again. If you are not ready to leave when needed, you can drive you ownself. After leaving her behind a couple times, she finally got the message.

And your boyfriend ain’t managing shit. I hate ultimatums but in this case it’s let it get worse or get the hell out. And it sounds like he’s already tap dancing on your last nerve.

NTA  he’s the one being insensitive.  His OCD is taking over YOUR life, and that’s not fair.  You are being supportive by recognizing he has a problem, but he’s not doing anything about it of it’s getting worse.

He had no right to expect you to be late for anything, let alone an important dinner.  

I don’t usually believe in ultimatums but it might be time to say you will no longer let his OCD impact your life unless he starts therapy.

NTA. Your partner needs to see a professional. 
I can empathise with you to a certain extent. My husband has ADHD. It’s killing me. He’s medicated but there are times he forgets the renew his prescription etc and goes without. 
Everything is unfinished. We are always late (which makes me so anxious and angry because I’m an “early” person). He’s got no awareness of time. It’s hard. Really hard. 

ESH. It sounds like you were more frustrated with his checks than you were worried about arriving late. There were a lot of ways this could have been handled that didn’t include abandoning your partner; why didn’t you contact the group when you realized, letting them know you’d be a little behind?

He should absolutely be seeking therapy. I have OCD and it is a debilitating disease.

You are being over accommodating to his mental health which is not being managed by your partner at all.
He made you late to an important work event and he’s not even sorry about it.
You gave him a long enough timeframe to be ready to leave.
You can’t make him get help but you need to encourage it more you are too soft on him.
He needs professional support.

Nta and it is incredibly selfish of him not to get help when you’ve asked. You’ve obviously been supportive and understanding but if it’s getting worse there’s a breaking point to understanding and paitience. I would say that you did not want to leave but you can’t always be late and that if he loves and respects you he will listen to you that he needs help now. 

NTA. if your partner is capable of “managing on his own” that also includes being given a time to leave and making sure he is ready at that time. If he has to start checking several hours prior to that leave time, then he needs to do that. If he is not able to leave on time, or within a few minutes of said leave time, he is not managing on his own anymore.

NAH?

I mean, he has a mental disorder that needs treatment and he’s not getting treatment (possible AH, but understandable)

You had a schedule and communicated it and tried to accommodate him, but he still couldn’t make it work.

I think you both need to communicate. At the end of the day, by not getting treated he is imposing an unfair burden on you.

NTA. He has a problem, and he’s shifting it off onto you. If this had been merely a social gathering, maybe you’d have been inclined to wait a bit longer, but given that it was a professional gathering, you really had no choice but to leave without him. He needs help, and if he refuses to get it, then he must endure the consequences of that. Good luck.

Can you arrange an intervention with family/friends? He is clearly not managing it on his own. Does he realize this is a very treatable condition? Would he refuse help if he had diabetes, high blood pressure or cancer? It would seem the alternative is for you to have separate social lives. Adversely affecting your social life is not one of his options.

NTA. You had a very important event to attend. You did the right thing by leaving him behind. You have to set up boundaries with him, especially, when his problems effect your life.

In future, leave him behind to get where you’re going on time. He will have to drive/UBER by himself.

He definitely needs help.

NTA-He needs this check to know that his OCD has now become unbearable to where is fear is now a reality due to it. Keep leaving and he will either get the message and manage it or he will have a serious breakdown and be forced to fix it through intervention. Hopefully he gets assistance before he hits bottom.

The moment he expressed that he thinks it’s reasonable that his mental illness negatively impacts parts of your life that have nothing to do with him is the moment you should have run far, far away from this person. I say this as a person who struggles with mental illness. NTA.

I have friends with OCD and it’s a struggle for them. I offer support, which can be tedious sometimes. These friends are in counseling and taking medication to manage the OCD. As much as I love them, I don’t think I could offer support if they weren’t getting treatment.

Your partner really does need help. This is now affecting your quality of life. To be honest, I would have left as well. Your partner can’t have it both ways… either seek professional help or understand that you will sometimes need to set reasonable boundaries.

NTA. I am happy to help people carry their baggage, but they have to be in therapy or making *some attempt* to carry their own bags. Not only is your partner refusing to carry their own bags, they left their bags and home and refuse to acknowledge they exist.

NTA. If it is a work function you need to leave and arrive on time. If two hours is insufficient for your partner’s checks they need to see a psychologist. It is too difficult (not to mention time consuming) for you and him to keep living this way.

NTA. I totally get that his OCD is tough, but you had an important event for your career. You can’t risk that. You did give him extra time, and honestly, he needs to get help if it’s affecting both of you.

I had OCD, if I didn’t do the counting thing my dad would die. I did not have it under control, even though I thought I did. NTA, he needs help but you can’t make him do it.

NTA The insensitive party is him. The selfish party is him.

As someone with OCD, it’s past time your partner got therapy and possibly medication support.

NTA. You can’t be late to a dinner with your boss. It’s the same as being late to work. 

Tell your partner to get help or get out. 

NTA it’s a big problem when his disability is impacting your life negatively too. He needs help or this relationship might not work.

NTA- you cannot make him seek to help that he needs, but you can tell him that when you have plans are we driving separately.

I would never participate in this bullshit. He found the right one.

He’s sick but refuses help. Don’t ruin your life for this

Nta. Don’t have a kid with him until this is resolved.

they’ve got a problem. dont let it be your problem.

You had to explain being 5 minutes late to a party?

He definitely needs professional help
NTA.

He really needs some psychiatric help.