The OP, who is large in stature and deaf, picked up one of his daughters to leave the store. This action led to a woman yelling about kidnapping, followed by a man punching the OP and snatching the child. Police arrived quickly, and before the OP could explain his situation or have his son translate, he was arrested and handcuffed while his children were taken into custody. The OP is now debating whether he should stop taking his light-skinned daughter into public settings without his partner present due to fear of future incidents.
I (44M) have four kids: 11M, 3F, 3F, and a 10-month-old boy. I am Blasian, who is more Black. My partner is Japanese, and one of my girls is very light-skinned.
I was at the store with 11M, 3F, and 3F. We were shopping like normal, and my girls were asking for candy. I said no, and like a normal three-year-old, they started crying and throwing a temper tantrum and were refusing to leave.
So, I picked them up, and I started leaving the store.
I am a big guy—6’7″, 255 lbs—so I’m noticeable. I’m also deaf, so I did not hear the woman who yelled that I was kidnapping my own daughter. Before I knew it, I’m being punched by some guy, and my daughter is snatched from my hands.
I was trying to figure out what was going on, and then cops showed up.
Before getting my statement or listening to my son, who was desperately trying to translate for me, I’m pinned to the ground and in handcuffs so tight I still have marks (it’s been five days).
I was arrested, shoved in the back of a cop car, while my kids got taken into custody.
And this isn’t the first time something like this has happened. I know it’s extreme not to take my daughter into public unless there’s someone who actually looks like her with me, but I’m so worried there’s gonna be a day I don’t make it into those cuffs, and my kids don’t have a dad anymore.
Conclusion
The poster is facing an extreme dilemma rooted in justifiable fear stemming from past dangerous encounters involving racial bias and misunderstanding in public. His proposed action—avoiding public outings with his daughter without his partner as a visual identifier—is an attempt to preempt violence and protect his parental rights.
The central question is whether restricting the daughter’s public life based on the father’s safety concerns constitutes an overreaction or an understandable protective measure given the documented risks he faces. Is the OP justified in limiting his own presence with his daughter to ensure his physical safety and continued presence in her life?
Here’s how people reacted:
You need a lawyer. You can’t sue the police. The Supreme Court decided many years ago that the police can’t properly do their jobs if they are at risk for being sued. That’s the reason people sue municipalities.
You can sue the company that owns the store. You can sue the person who removed your daughter from your hands. You can sue the person that punched you. You can sue the municipality that employs racist cops. You could try to sue the woman who freaked out initially. The private citizen lawsuits might not go anywhere as they were just “concerned citizens”.
Do not talk to anyone yourself. If you decide to sue the city do not talk to your FIL. Stop talking to the cops. Your FIL may be a good man but he is a cop. He will be caught in a very unfair situation and could have retaliation from fellow cops. Cops are very tight with each other. If he knows about the incident \[and he might in a skewed way from his people laughing about the n- getting cuffed\] he may not want to rock the boat. Cops and their unions will black ball you if you turn on your fellows.
Only talk to your lawyer. Hopefully your wife won’t tell her father but don’t count on it.
I remember an article about a black social worker who specialized in foster kids. He had one boy that kept going from home to home. He built a bond with that troubled kid and ended up adopting him. The boy was great with him. The problem was the kid was white.
So many racist whites would call the police on him because he had a white kid with him. He even kept a copy of the adoption papers and his son’s birth certificate on him at all times. A nice bystander was taking the video because a white Karen called the cops on him. The cops put him in cuffs, ect. He got lucky and the officer didn’t beat him up. Police office knew there was a camera on him. Karen was there screaming about how he was trying to kidnap that boy. The camera even panned to the kid. Poor boy was looking embarrassed and dejected in the car.
White people usually don’t call the police on other white people with colored children. It’s pure racism.
We don’t look related at first glance. My grandma is black, & pretty dark. Like Wesley Snipes black. Her husband/my grandfather is white = my dad has black features but his skin is extremely fair. My mom is Chinese & Filipina.
Instead of calling me to the office to verify, they called the cops instead. Idk how long they had her by the time they DID finally decide to call me there. As soon as I walked in I went “GRANDMA!!❤️” & ran to her to give her a hug. Then we left.
Don’t be afraid to be proud of being her father. Fuck what other people think. Sure, it might be embarrassing in the moment. But those people will always feel stupid once they realize the truth.
If this is a smaller place you live its making yourself and you family known to those around you Clearly, you are around a lot of closed minded people. You need to be proactive in protecting yourself and your family. Knowing your neighbors and the place you frequent is helpful. Have card that show you are your family together. Make sure they call you dad in public, I don’t know it’s really fucked up.
We live in a police state.
Start bringing up your children to accept that NO is a complete answer.
My off the wall suggestion, rather than always leaving your daughter at home, is to make all your kids shirts with a picture of your face on them to wear when you’re taking them out solo. You could include text like “I love my Daddy” and style it to look more like a Father’s Day gift type thing.
Not a fool proof option, but there’s a company called RoadID that has kid sized id bracelets. We had them for other reasons, but one of my kids went through a phase of yelling “help” any time we picked her up. People took pitty seeing a pregnant mom hauling a screaming toddler, but they were generally suspicious of my husband even though they’re clearly related. It gave us minor peace of mind knowing we could match the ID bracelet to his license.
So sorry this is happening to you, you dont deserve this
After you sue the fuck out of every dingle berry you should. Maybe get some laminated cards for you and the kids. Teach them to pull them out if people are yelling.
Simple phrases in bold such as “my father is deaf” “I can translate”
It’s an attention grabber and conveys the most important information.
You need to sue the pants off the woman who yelled, the guy who punched you, whoever snatched your daughter from your hands, and the police department. Take them all for everything they’ve got, and then hire somebody to do your shopping for you while you play with your kids in your palatial new house.
I hate to think of you not being able to take your child out in public, due to a bunch of ignorant bigots. But this about your safety and the safety of your kids. You’re NTA for considering this.
I really hope your daughter doesn’t learn from that if she doesn’t get her way she can get you arrested. All she has to do is throwing a tantrum.
I would be very careful with this… Toddlers can be a handful… Talk to your wife about it.
You are NTA for wanting to protect yourself and your family.
You brought this child into the world without her consent, and now you want to punish her more?
You need to find a better way
I pray we evolve as a society.
Who has a bunch of kids with him, then decides to kidnap another one?