The true blow came not from what she received, but from the secret she uncovered—a lavish gift hidden away for someone else, while she, sick and vulnerable, was left with empty promises and plastic-wrapped indifference. In that moment, the fragile thread of trust snapped, leaving her to confront the painful reality that her love was not mirrored in his actions.
I’m(38f) always grateful for the gifts he(39m) gives me. He had asked me what I wanted, all of it was reasonable (fuzzy socks, a pair of slippers, ext.) I got him a special gift he has always wanted, I saved $ for 6 months to get it.
Plus, shoes, clothes, tools & stuff I know he’d like. He went shopping on 12/23 at 7 pm, alone. He gave me the kids stuff to wrap. Xmas comes, my stuff wasn’t wrapped, it was still in the store bag.
I got a lotion set for a teen girl, a vest 3 sizes too big, and 2 identical purses in different colors, 1had a busted zipper, they smell like plastic and not something I’d buy. It looked like he walked into the store, last minute, and grabbed whatever was in the ‘return to shelf’ cart.
I said thank you and told him I love him. I didnt get upset until Saturday. He was going to his aunt’s b-day party, I stayed home (w the flu) but I asked what he got her… he goes to the car and got a huge beautiful gift bag.
Inside, was a designer purse. I lost it. Not bc it was nicer than what I got but because he really put thought into it. It was her fav color and designer… When I asked why he put so much effort into her gift but not mine, he said ‘omg, I spent hundreds of dollars on you’ That’s not true, he left the receipt in the bag w the purses.
Price isnt important to me (so why lie?). I have purses that were $5 that I absolutely love. We got in an argument and he left w/out his aunt’s gift. I took my gifts and the 1 for her and put them in his closet.
I dont want them. The next day, he said I could have the designer purse, then got mad bc I didnt want it. I wanted a gift that he put a bit of effort into. He admitted he didnt think I’d like the purses and that he was in a hurry.
After 22 years, he knows that a hand written letter or a new clock (I collect them) would have been cherished forever. He says I’m mad about the money but I think it’s about effort.
He gave me the impression that he dont think I’m worth either.
Conclusion
The original poster is clearly distressed because the gifts received from her husband demonstrated a significant lack of care and effort compared to the gift he purchased for his aunt. Her central conflict lies between her stated desire for thoughtful gestures and her husband’s defense that the monetary value of his gifts should have sufficed, leading her to feel undervalued after 22 years together.
Considering the discrepancy between the effort shown in different gifts, is the appropriate reaction to reject all gifts and demand an apology based on perceived effort, or should the focus remain on the stated monetary value and the continuation of the relationship despite mismatched expectations for thoughtfulness?
Here’s how people reacted:
Sometimes there are crappy gifts that you accept with a smile because at least they tried and its the thought that counts. Then you find out something like this and it totally changes how you view the situation and your feelings. I don’t blame you for not wanting the purse he chose for his aunt. Who wants something meant for another person?
An old tyre. A second hand doll. A packet of envelopes. A pin badge for a band he’s never heard of. Stock cubes. A garish lanyard. A piece of driftwood. Loose staples. A teaspoon. A rock. A broom handle. Tampons. A tin of sardines. Decorative fish tank ornaments. Make up wipes. A freezer bag filled with soil. Connector cables for electronics you don’t own. A random Wikipedia page printed and framed.
When he reacts badly, dismiss his feelings and tell him how much effort and money you spent on it.
Edit: to avoid further confusion, this is not serious advice.
Obviously, your husband knows how to pick out nice gifts for those he cares about.
Even if he doesn’t, he could always try. Or JUST ASK. usually, people can come up with a reasonable request when asked ‘what do you want for Xmas?’
Gifts are about the thought and effort, clearly he put neither into yours.
Aside from gift-giving and the holidays, do you feel taken for granted in other situations?
Dont prioritize someone who doesn’t prioritize you.
He sounds selfish and ignorant.
I have to ask because I’m an asshole, how much did he spend on you? I know it’s not important but I’m really curious.
The effort he put into shopping for you vs his aunt are completely different and disrespectful to you. I feel it is a sign as to how much he thinks of you.
In my experience I was with a person who never got me anything for any occasion. But expected things on every holiday and special occasions like b-day and such.
Personally I think the thought and effort behind a gift is worth so much more than the money it costs. Some of the best gifts I’ve ever received were homemade with cheap(ish) materials.
Not that the gift has to be homemade or anything, but it should have some effort behind it.
I would probably be upset, too.
That is so hurtful. It is the effort that matters. He dropped the ball- and then made it 10X worse by not even apologizing for his lack of care.
Is this the first year he’s done this? Because I’d really question that shift in behavior if that’s so
How’d you get this far into a marriage with a guy who does all his Xmas shopping for you as an after thought on the 23rd?
That doesn’t sound like a one time thing, that sounds like an inattentive jerk
I get the feeling that there is more going on than even you are aware of. If you can’t have a civil discussion about why this was upsetting I suggest getting into couples therapy.
Fuck, *I* want to go get you a clock-and wrap it up nicely!
> I took **my gifts** and the 1 for her and put them in his closet. **I dont want them.**
This kind makes YTA, too.