Amidst the clinical calm of medical advice, a mother’s heart races with anxiety, her instinct to protect clashing with the need to stay composed. Each seizure is a battle not just against the fever, but against the overwhelming storm of worry and the desperate hope for normalcy that lies just beyond the shaking.
Our 4yo daughter has febrile seizures, which cause her body temp to spike during fevers, resulting in a short seizure. My wife has an anxiety disorder and becomes easily overwhelmed under stress.
After her first seizing episode, we went to a neurologist who diagnosed the febrile seizures. His directions for responding to a seizure were to strip our daughter down, put a cool cloth on her body, and wait for her temperature to drop.
Then pump her full of Motrin to manage the fever. He said, while scary, the seizures were harmless and she would grow out of them. No long-term effects, no worry of anything beyond 5 minutes of shaking while her body cooled itself down.
Since then, we’ve experienced about 6 seizures, 4 of which I was home for. I followed the neurologist’s directions and we got through the seizures like a breeze. In a matter of minutes, she was up and wanting to play again.
My wife’s initial reaction, however, was to cuddle our daughter in the bed, which actually increased her body temp. In each case, I had to argue with my wife to let go of our daughter so I could cool her down.
The cuddling was a result of my wife’s anxiety and her need to soothe herself by nurturing our sick daughter. I get that, but it was the opposite of what we needed to do in that moment.
On the 2 occasions I wasn’t home for the seizures, my wife called 911 and an ambulance came. Both times, I rushed home to inform the 1st responders about her condition and instructed them on how to cool her down.
Both times they recommended taking her to the ER, and both times we ended up paying $1000 for a 4-hour ER visit where they gave her nothing more than a dose of children’s Motrin.
AITA for telling my wife that we need to follow our neurologist’s directions instead of calling 911 and racking up unnecessary medical bills? I showed her the most recent bill and she accused me of caring more about money than her mental health or our daughter’s health.
I don’t think that’s the case at all. In her words, it’s worth $1000 for her (my wife) to be surrounded by medical professionals, and if I don’t agree, then I’m the bad guy. In my view, my wife needs to work with her therapist so she can better handle stress, and can follow our doctor’s directions when our daughter has a seizure while I’m not home.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is focused on adhering to clear medical instructions to manage their daughter’s febrile seizures efficiently, which has led to conflicts with his wife, whose anxiety drives her to seek immediate, visible reassurance through emergency services and close physical comfort, even when medically counterproductive.
Is the OP justified in prioritizing the established, cost-effective medical protocol over his wife’s anxiety-driven need for emergency intervention and physical closeness during a seizure, or does her anxiety warrant the cost and effort of ER visits when the OP is absent?
Here’s how people reacted:
I would talk your wife when everything is calm and frame it around how you need a plan when your daughter has a seizure so *the entire family* is safe.
Can you talk to your daughter’s doctor again and have your wife ask questions? Could your wife’s doctor give her tools to cope for when she knows what to do but it’s hard? Is there something your wife could do when your daughter has a seizure, like call a nurse line? Or hug a special doll or pet instead of your daughter? Maybe your wife could even record her own message telling herself what to do and she can call and listen to that. Maybe the feeling of doing something will help.
Whatever the answer, it would be ideal if she helped make the choice. Regardless, your wife can not put your daughter in danger to make herself feel better. Something has to change.
1. She’s costing you guys money when a specailized doctor has told her exactly what she needs to do.
2. She’s scaring her. Like if she keeps this up she’s going to give this child a complex. Seizures are disorienting anyway, and she’s going to scare the crap out of her everytime she has one. Not good.
3. (And This is the worst in my opinion) she’s cuddling her! That’s the exact opposite of what she needs to do it heats her up more and makes it last longer wich is dangerous.
That’s not even counting the way she reacts to you talking to her about it. Like..dude it sounds like she has no desire to get better, wich makes me worry there’s an attention element in this as well, I hope not, for the sake of you and your daughter.
NTA
Having said that, pediatrics are the scariest patients to work with, because they can go from fine to absolutely tanking in a matter of seconds. I don’t know what it is about kids, their bodies are just able to tolerate so much that you sometimes don’t realise how serious it is until they’re crashing. So PLEASE stay near your daughter at all times during her episodes if at all possible, and if anything is out of the ordinary, call an ambulance immediately
And she cares more about her “mental health” than her daughter’s health. Before anyone jumps down my throat, mental health is in quotes because if she actually cared about her mental health, she would go see a therapist to help her work through her anxiety. Also, she’s putting her wants first (cuddling her daughter during an episode) before her daughter’s needs (not being touched so she can cool down and return to normal). NTA. Good job on actually following the neurologist’s instructions.
I’d recommend talking to a therapist together so you can make your side heard without your wife making you feel like you’re persecuting her for expressing concern.
They did that? I thought I was having a heart attack and they were like “do you want to go to the ER? We can’t make a recommendation at this point”.
Also NTA. This isn’t emergency level treatment according to her doctor. Someone who is actually having a heart attack or is dying or has a genuine emergency has to contend with limited resources that are taken up soothing your wife’s anxiety. Plus, like you said, your wife’s anxiety makes things worse.
But you have to trust the neurologist. This is a person who has devoted their life to this sort of thing. And is charged with your kid’s welfare. Trying to catch other medical professionals up to speed when you have someone in your corner already isn’t doing your daughter the service that it appears.
As someone with anxiety whose son had febrile seizures, I understand where your wife is coming from. However, this isn’t about her. Her reactions are not helping your daughter, they’re hurting her. Holding her while she’s seizing makes her hotter, and prolongs the seizures, and calling 911 may make your wife feel better, but will no doubt panic your daughter
(but no there are NAH otherwise you know how to manage your daughter’s condition well now you just have to work together to manage your wife’s anxiety about it so they can both go through these fits as happy and healthy as possible)
NTA
Does she like the attention or something? Is this a bit Munchausen?
Your child has an easily manageable condition and wife is doing almost everything except what the specialist recommended. And costing a lot of $$. Very concerned for your wife.
Edit: Thank you for the gold and silver, kind people! Maybe not such an unpopular opinion after all.
She needs to trust the neurologist and speak to her provider about her anxiety.