This pattern of neglect involved Evan frequently canceling plans for trivial reasons related to his friends and failing to defend the user against his mother’s consistent disrespect. The situation reached a crisis point when Evan, while the user was six months pregnant, expressed uncertainty about being ready for fatherhood, citing discussions with his friends as validation for his feelings, leading the user to leave him and initiate divorce proceedings.
Hi, Evan (not his real name) since I know you might see this. I know you’ll probably say I’m overreacting, but by the time you read this, it’s too late. I’ve already left and made arrangements with a lawyer.
I (31F) married Evan (34M) five years ago. We’ve been together for about eight years. For the first couple of years, I honestly thought I’d hit the jackpot—he was attentive, thoughtful, and supportive, or so I thought.
But as time went on, he slowly became more and more absent, putting his friends and family before me in every way possible.
Evan has this group of friends he’s known since high school. They hang out constantly, and he’s made it clear that they come first, even when it interferes with our life together. We’d have plans, and he’d cancel last minute because they “needed” him for some “urgent” video game session or to “help out.” I didn’t think much of it at first, but it got to the point where I realized I was always taking a back seat.
Then there’s his mom, who’s… difficult, to put it lightly. She’s never liked me, and Evan has never defended me or put up any boundaries. When she told me I wasn’t “good enough” for her son at our engagement party, he laughed it off.
At our wedding, she “accidentally” got into a fight with me over a small detail about our ceremony and has constantly undermined me since then.
I’m currently six months pregnant with our first child. Recently, Evan sat me down to tell me he’s “not sure he’s ready for the responsibility of a baby.” When I told him it was a little late for second thoughts, he got defensive, saying he wasn’t convinced “this was the right time” and that I was “putting too much pressure” on him.
He mentioned he’d “talked it over” with his friends, and they all agreed he was “just being honest.” That’s when I realized that in his mind, their opinion mattered more than his family more than *us*.
The last straw came a week ago. I had a small health scare, and he didn’t even show up because he was “busy” with his friends. That night, I realized I couldn’t rely on him, and I didn’t want my child growing up in an environment where their father wasn’t present and prioritized everyone else over them.
So, I packed my bags and left. I’m staying with a friend for now, and I’ve made arrangements to file for divorce. I’m ready to build a life on my own for me and my baby, even if it hurts like hell.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) found herself in an untenable emotional position where her husband consistently demonstrated that his friendships and his mother’s approval held more weight than his commitment to her or their unborn child. Her decision to leave was driven by the realization that she could not rely on him, especially given his last-minute absence during a personal health scare while she was pregnant.
The central conflict pits the OP’s need for a reliable partner and father figure against Evan’s pattern of prioritizing external social circles and avoiding significant adult responsibility. The question remains whether his sustained pattern of deflection and external validation justifies the OP’s immediate action to dissolve the marriage for the safety and stability of herself and her baby.
Here’s how people reacted:
It’s heartbreaking that he’s not ready to be a dad, but honestly, you’re doing the best thing for yourself and your baby. You deserve someone who will put you first, especially when you’re carrying the weight of a child. It’s not overreacting, it’s self-preservation. You’re building a future on your terms, and that’s something to be proud of, not guilty about.
Stay strong, you’ve got this! If anything, your baby is going to grow up in an environment where \*you\* are the strong, loving role model they deserve. That’s worth everything.
Build up a support team around you of friends and YOUR family. That way when things get bad you can lean on them and not go back to him.
When the baby is born get full custody and don’t let him fight you for anything since he was so set to not be a parent. You can’t count on him to not have custody/ visitation and not just leave the baby crying in a room to go play games or god forbid leave the baby at home alone to go do whatever with his family.
He is a man child and probably only married you out of convenience and control. He only cared about the second income probably and he saw that a baby would mean he can’t just run off as he pleases. Focus on you and the baby and don’t let him and any bs he tries pull you down ok.
You are an amazingly strong woman for getting to this point and seeing the signs before it got worse.
What happened was all his friends got married and the group broke up because the biggest jerk of the group stood up for their girlfriend. Now my cousin realized how toxic this friend group was. The ex met someone else and has been married for over 8 years. Til this day, he regrets listening to his old friends. It’s been over 12 years.
Don’t ever question your worth, especially not with some immature man-child such as this. He can continue sucking on his Mama’s test and circle jerking his friends for the rest of his life. He doesn’t deserve you or that sweet baby.
I wish you well. And Evan, I hope Karma is in an especially foul mood when your name is next on her list because you deserve it. What a shitty excuse for a human being you are.
If you are in the US, right now while you are pregnant, he can not control *anything* including your location. Once baby comes, you could be location locked. So go where you wanna be (where your support system/family is if you have that) before you give birth.
I’m so proud to see a woman who recognizes they are in a toxic situation and potentially awful environment to bring their child into.
Fuck you Evan. The time to be concerned if you could handle the responsibility was before sticking your unwrapped dick into your wife not when she is 6-months pregnant. Idiot.
UpdateMe! OP best wishes to you and your child.
This was him telling you he will leave you eventually he just hasn’t sorted that part put yet.
I would pressure Evan to sign away his parental rights
NTA
A child is not a subject to vote on.
He is a bad example and a bad partner.
Good luck with baby.
NTA, he is a hobby that you have outgrown. He can go back to middle school with his buddies and everyone will be better off.
The time to be thinking about if he was ready to be a dad should’ve been made well before unprotected sex happened. And after 8 years it isn’t just about him anymore. Sounds like he may have some narcissistic behaviors. Good riddance to Evan. Go enjoy your life and be the best mom you can be.
Well, he can now spend the rest of his life with his friends, like he wants.
Eat shit Evan.