When the sister, burdened by a turbulent past and uncertain future, seeks refuge in the home of her more fortunate sibling, it ignites a storm of emotions. The plea to belong clashes with the fear of disruption, forcing a painful reckoning between loyalty and self-preservation. In this quiet tension lies a story of love tested, boundaries challenged, and the complex dance of family.
My sister and I are complete opposite. My sister doesn’t have many accomplishments and the last thing I remember her achieving is graduating highschool. At 20 she dropped out of college because she was pregnant.
She moved in with the father and for 10 years they were a family. All that time she didn’t had a job even when her son started school. Those two never married and he left her about two years ago.
She is now pregnant again, ( new dad isn’t involved) works at fast food and barely scraps by. She is constantly asking for money.
She actually wanted to move in with me and my kids. My wife travels a lot. I have two daughters and my sister told me she wanted to be closer. She wanted to move in to my home, that it would be good for the girls to have a women they could look up to ( she never liked that my wife travels ) This isn’t the first time she has brought it up and I have turned her down politely many times.
My sister brought it up again last night. I told her no. This resulted in a heated conversation with her asking why. I decided to be honest and I told her that she isn’t the type of women I want my kids to look up to.
I also listed the reasons above. She called me a jerk. The family is now on my ass about this, saying I was heartless to tell her that. They also want me to apologize. AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) feels justified in protecting his family environment and setting clear boundaries against his sister’s request to move in, especially given his concerns about her lifestyle choices as a role model. However, this honesty has led to significant conflict with his sister and pressure from extended family who view his refusal as overly harsh and unsupportive.
Is the OP justified in prioritizing his children’s role models over providing housing to his struggling sister, or was his blunt honesty unnecessarily cruel, warranting an apology to maintain family peace?
Here’s how people reacted:
She has also increased her pressure tactics on you by arguing with you about it, by criticizing your wife and implying your wife is not a good mother.
Further, she has now changed her tactics to something totally inappropriate, which is asking you why you won’t allow her to move in with you, as if you are required to allow her to move in unless you provide her with a good enough reason why not. In my experience, this is a common tactic with manipulative people. They don’t want to know “why” so they can understand or feel better about not getting what they want. They want to know “why” so they can have a tool to better manipulate you with. It’s the same tactic as the people to whom you say, “No, you can’t stay in my house for a month while you explore the city” and they ask “why?” When you say, “Because I work from home and I need that space for my office,” they just tell you, “Oh, it’s no problem, you can just work in your living room. I promise I will be very quiet in the mornings and won’t disturb you!” Of course they won’t, but that’s not the point. The point is that by asking the question they are getting more tools to manipulate you.
She is using manipulation tactics to bully you into giving her what she wants. The outcome where you said something she could label offensive (and thereby get other family to gang up on you), is EXACTLY the outcome she was trying to achieve. Because now she has the entire family on her side and ostracizing you over not giving in to her unreasonable demands. She has flipped the script and now you are the bad guy.
Don’t be fooled. But also don’t give in to her manipulation by allowing her to goad you into becoming the bad guy. Pick your hard line answer and when she tries to goad you, just go with the same answer. No, you won’t be able to move into my house. Why? Because that’s our decision, that’s why.
>This isn’t the first time she has brought it up and I have turned her down politely many times
>sister brought it up again last night. I told her no. This resulted in a heated conversation with her asking why. I decided to be honest and I told her that she isn’t the type of women I want my kids to look up to
So first off, she’s trying to pressure you into providing a home and cheaper living for her and her kids. Whether she admits it or not, that’s her goal. So she’s trying to take advantage here.
She’s badmouthing your wife by saying she’s not someone for your kids to look up to. Even if she never explicitly put it that way, saying “a woman they could look up to” makes it pretty clear how she views your wife.
She won’t take no for an answer, and decided lack of a very good reason meant she could push until you give in.
NTA
What else are you supposed to do? She’s gone out of her way to make you uncomfortable, insult your wife and try to invade your space. She is not a role model, and maybe that hurts, but it’s the truth. Ignoring her education and work history, she’s belittling the mother of your kids for working hard to keep a roof over their heads. That’s not someone I’d want around the kids either.
As a SAHM I can’t blame her for also being one but not getting married to the dude and staying committed is the tough part. I don’t know what the circumstances were of her relationship bc 10 years is a while so something must have gone down. If I got a divorce suddenly for whatever reason (which at this point would only be physical abuse or infidelity) then I would work whatever job I could to stay afloat with my kid. If that’s fast food then so be it. And the circumstances regarding her new pregnancy are also unknown but it doesn’t matter. I personally wouldn’t want my sibs to be living with me either but if they were at the same point your sister is in her life and I had the room I would at least consider it and be gentle about how it’s discussed. I’m sure your sister meant well by what she said. And I think it’s mean you said what you said because to her, she’s being a good mom and making sure her kids have a roof over their head and are fed and that’s all a single mom can ask for. Can’t blame her.
You told your sister No. No is a complete sentence. You are never obligated to explain a No.
She asked Why and didn’t like the answer. She could have been an adult and just accepted your No. Instead she opted to challenge your No with a Why. That challenge is disrespectful. It indicates a level of entitlement. It says she doesn’t respect your decisions about your life.
In my experience, people who challenge a No with a Why are actually looking for a way to manipulate you into a Yes. They want to take your Why as a personal attack thereby making them a victim.
She cannot demand that you let her move in with you. She can ask, but she shouldn’t expect the answer to be a yes. I disagree with all that saying “you could’ve been nicer/You could’ve phrase it better”.
>I have turned her down politely many times.
>My sister brought it up again last night. I told her no. This resulted in a heated conversation with her asking why.
You told her no multiple times and she wouldn’t accept it. So you gave an answer that’ll shut her up.
You’ve said no before and she was pushing for a response. People need to be responsible for their life decisions, and you shouldn’t be on the hook to house her and take care of her kids.
On the other hand, her saying your wife isn’t someone the kids look upto is shady.
I don’t think you have a respectful and healthy sibling dynamic
You don’t need to be cruel. You can defend your wife without putting down your sister. And again, no is a complete answer. When you give reasons, you entertain the discussion.
I would say lightly YTA
Granted, you could have phrased it better, but you aren’t required to respect her (poor) life choices, nor can anyone expect you to just agree with her moving into your home.