Now, as she stands on the brink of motherhood, her journey is a testament to resilience and choice. While her brother’s life follows a familiar pattern of privilege and sacrifice, she embraces a future shaped by her own hard-won freedom and love, ready to build a family on her own terms.
My family is from South Asia but we live in the States. My parents loved my older brother and tolerated me. They expected me to just stay home and take care of them and my brother.
That wasn’t for me. I got a partial scholarship to a state school and GTFO. I worked the four years of my undergrad and was fortunate enough to get a full scholarship for my after degree.
So I graduated university with only a small debt and two degrees.
I found a career that I really enjoy and a husband who loves me.
My parents paid for my brother’s education and he does very well for himself. But he has chosen to have five children. And they all go to private school and have all kinds of extra curricular activities.
And his wife is a SAHM even though they have a nanny. I know five young children would be difficult to manage. I’m just saying that she has a degree as well but they have chosen to be a one income household.
We are expecting our first child. We waited a few years before deciding to start our family. We will be stopping at two and my husband will be getting a vasectomy afterwards. We are very much in agreement about our future.
My parents however have decided that they are going to sell their home and come live with us. We have a large property with an in-law suite in a HCOL city on the west coast.
I told my husband that I did not want them living with us and he concurred. So I told them no. They said that they already listed their home and that a dutiful daughter would take care of her parents in their old age.
I said that if they gave me all the money from the sale of their home I would find them a nice retirement home where they could live and that I would pay the bills until they passed away.
They didn’t like that idea very much. They called me an ungrateful child and that it was expected of me.
I sent them a check for one year’s worth of rent, food, utilities, and sundries. I said I moved out one year after I turned 18 and that they were responsible for me up to that point.
I then told them not to contact me again without going through my lawyer.
I have been playing whack a mole blocking all of their attempts to reach me. And all of the family members both in the States and back home that are calling me an asshole.
My brother contacted me and said that I was making the family look bad by not taking them in. So I gave him the choice of either taking them in himself or never bringing it up to me again or I would be going NC with him as well.
I should probably add that they didn’t approve of me marrying a person not from their culture and religion. So they didn’t contribute to our wedding even though they did attend.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) has clearly established an independent life, prioritizing her own choices regarding career, marriage, and family planning, which directly conflicts with her parents’ traditional expectations for her role as a daughter. The central conflict revolves around the parents demanding cohabitation and care based on cultural duty, while the OP asserts her autonomy by offering significant financial support contingent on them choosing independent living arrangements.
Given the history of unequal treatment and the parents’ current attempt to force relocation through emotional leverage after selling their home, was the OP’s decision to sever contact and offer a financial buyout an appropriate defense of her established boundaries, or did her chosen method cross the line into being excessively punitive toward her parents?
Here’s how people reacted:
I will, however give you the benefit of the doubt as neither do you lay out any small insults as justification.
My only question is – how old are your parents and were they assuming they would take care of your child when you went back to work?
NTA
CLARIFICATION: I realize my wording was not clear. My comment on being “harsh“ ONLY APPLIED to going straight to NC after hearing they want to move in. I believe her “no” was the correct answer to her parents moving in.
You are perfectly within your rights to not want them to live with you especially when there are so many retirement homes with levels of care that scale up as you require it but holy shit what an overreaction.
They did the bare minimum from a parenting point of view. As such they get the bare minimum in return
Speaking as a south Asian immigrant myself
Your parents cant make such decisions and they must find a other solution.
Stay your ground and if its need then go to NC with them and your brother.
I wish you a happy familiy with your husband.
Edit: thank you all for the upvotes and the awards, I’m stoked! Yous are the best!
South Asian families sound like hell for young women, good for you. I bet you would have taken them in if they had showed you some consideration.