Every corner of her world is being invaded—her carefully tended garden uprooted, her dogs’ space commandeered without a word. The boundaries she hoped to maintain have been trampled, and with each passing day, the weight of this forced hospitality crushes her spirit a little more. This isn’t just about a house full of guests; it’s about a family dynamic unraveling and a woman’s desperate fight to reclaim her voice and her home.
I’m one week into this nightmarish situation and I’ve already contracted laryngitis and completely lost my voice due to the stress of having my mother in law, sister in law, her 12 year old son and their two sheepdogs come to stay with us.
We also have 2 medium sized dogs and a small garden so it is absolutel chaos. They invited themselves to our house for Christmas and my husband allows them to stay for as long as they want.
This will be my MIL’S 4th visit to our house this year. On one of her visits she stayed for over a month. Unfortunately I’ve come to the sad realization that my husband is completely incapable of setting boundaries with any member of his family.
It may have to do with the fact that he is the youngest of four siblings.
So far this week, his family have come into our house and:
– rearranged my plants in the garden because apparently they felt it would not grow well where it was,
– taken our dogs water bucket without asking and rearranged the area where they eat
– constantly leave our gate open, allowing our dogs run out into the street,
– haven’t offered to cook a single meal and expect my husband to do all the cooking, plus pick up the bill when we eat out.
– my SIL’s dogs have chewed up all our dogs toys which is fine, but she didn’t bring anything for her dogs to chew and hasn’t offered to replace anything.
– they also constantly push boundaries with my toddler and try to convince him to do things he’s not comfort with (I step in pretty quickly but even when I set a boundary they dont abide by it which leaves me constantly repeating myself, waiting for my words to sink in)
My husband has told me he is stressed out because he doesn’t want to have to “micro-manage his family” in order to keep me happy. I’ve snapped at him once for not making more of an effort to get them to respect the fact that this is our house and to be more mindful of living in our space, but I really think he just lacks the skills to communicate with them or he is afraid of what they will say.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is experiencing extreme stress, evidenced by physical symptoms like laryngitis, due to the extended, unannounced, and disruptive stay of their mother-in-law, sister-in-law, nephew, and two dogs. The central conflict lies in the OP’s need for their home boundaries to be respected versus the husband’s inability or unwillingness to enforce those boundaries against his family’s intrusive behavior.
Given the significant strain on the OP’s health, marriage, and home environment, the core question is whether the husband’s passive acceptance of boundary violations by his family constitutes a failure to protect his immediate household, or if the OP is being overly sensitive to what is characterized as typical extended family dynamics.
Here’s how people reacted:
2. Take her to small claims court for whichever company is able to give you the highest number’s total quote amount. And then insist that she be present to pay them to fix it. Rub salt in that wound.
3. Board your dogs. it isn’t worth the risk of them being hit by cars. So either board them, or bring them with you to the hotel. Because yeah, #4 is
4. Get a hotel room for you and the kid. Enjoy this vacation for you and baby boy. Bonus if you find one with an indoor, heated pool and take kiddo swimming so its extra fun. If you can’t find a place to baord the dogs on short notice, pay the extra fee to have them at the hotel with you.
5. Every morning, call husband and ask if his parents have gone home yet. If the answer is no, end the call, and turn off your phone for the rest of that 24 hours.
6. Let the hotel know you are “escaping the inlaws” for the holidays, and that you do not want anyone to call the room, or visit it, while you are there. “If my husband calls, please do NOT patch him through. Just ask if his folks went home yet.”
I might be wrong but this sounds like foreign culture transplanted. What I have observed is that transplants will over blow there cultures generous hospitality rules- and I think there are methods for dealing with this in the country of origin, but if you aren’t from there or don’t have the resources from the parent country it’s hard to manage. If I am right – you have to query people from that culture( not just one, many) to get a feel for what you are dealing with – because it isn’t about hospitality at that point, it can be about status, duty, face, and concepts that don’t easily translate. If it is cultural- you aren’t the only one presented with these issues- seek others in your position for help dealing with
House guests are a two yes deal, he doesn’t get to unilaterally decide those things. He can tell them he will check the calendar and get back to them. If you let them stay again there should be a hard limit on how long they can stay. And an agreement on ground rules for visits. But honestly sounds like your done with them being in your space.
They are using you and your home as a free AirBNB. And of you and your husband financially. I say you and your husband need couples counseling. And if he cannot see that he needs to set boundaries to protect you both then it is time to send him home to mommy!
But you are half the problem because you do not call him, or his family, out on this. It is YOUR HOUSE! Set rules and boundaries. His family will push back to “return to normal” so be ready for pushback.
Perhaps it is time to return the favor. How about taking your family (including the dog) to their house for a month in March so you can have a great rest on their wallet!!
Talk (or write!) to your husband, who can surely see the physical effect this is having on you. Work out some hard boundaries that you both agree with.
Enforce these hard boundaries with the IL’s. Kick them out if they don’t agree. For starters stop spending your money on buying them restaurant meals ffs.
Never agree to host them again.
If your husband doesn’t agree, leave. I’m serious. Leave the house, take your toddler and what you need, and don’t go back before they are gone.
NTA.
It’s B. Is he is able to communicate with you? Does he hold down a job? Is he a functioning member of society? Yeah, it’s B and he needs to go to therapy before he tanks your marriage.
In the meantime, it’s on you. Either he can tell them to leave or you can. Then follow through. You are setting yourself on fire to be polite to entitled people here.
My mom does this every time she stays with me or my sister. Rearranging furniture because we don’t have our homes set up right, rearranging the kitchen, deciding all my Tupperware should be used for storing my cooking oils or my sunglasses or whatever and that it doesn’t need to be used for food? I’ve had enough and she’s staying in a hotel next time.
“Dont move my plants. They are where I want them.”
“Dont do that with him, he doesn’t like it.”
Followup with asking them what date they are leaving. Tell your husband that if they come again without him asking you first then you’ll be packing up yourself and your kids and going to a hotel until they’re gone.
Your husband is a spineless AH.
But it makes me wonder.
Didn’t you know that your husband does not set boundaries with his family BEFORE you married him?
Didn’t you make your boundaries a condition of the marriage BEFORE you married him?
People need to have a head on their shoulders and not be blinded by love.
NTA
But you definitely had a say in all this BEFORE the wedding.
That is like not even close to what is going on, it’s telling his family this my home you treat it with respect, close gates, don’t rearranged anything because it’s not your home to do that, if your not gonna be bothered to cook or help at least tidy up.
It’s called having DECENT MANNERS as a house guest!
He crossed a line and it’s time he feels the consequences of his actions. Let him suffer. Fuck that.
Toxic people just need to go, whether they’re friends or blood or whatever.
But if there any family you can go visit with your toddler while your husband and his family destroy your house for 3 weeks?
Board the dogs so they don’t run out into the street and get hit by a car while you’re gone?
Tell them now that this will be the last visit ever.
Three weeks is utterly ridiculous. They’ve used up all their visits for the next 20 years.
NTA
Three weeks would break me.