But beneath the surface, a silent battle raged. Her ADHD blurred the lines of daily life, turning simple tasks into sources of conflict, while the shadow of breast cancer and its unforgiving treatments drained her strength. In the quiet moments between fights and frustrations, she grappled with the harsh realities of being both vulnerable and expected to be perfect.
I (34F) have been married to my husband (37M) for almost 10 years. We’ve been together for 15 years. We have one daughter(3) through IVF. I have adhd and forget a lot of things, mainly forgetting to shut the lights off when I leave a room, which he has asked me to stop for years.
I try to remember, but occasionally forget. I’ve made progress, but he still gets frustrated.
I had breast cancer a few years ago, and the medications cause brain fog, making me forget even more. This also led to a full hysterectomy. My husband was raised with an old-school mindset regarding household roles.
He handles outside work, but in the house, he occasionally helps by moving toys for the Roomba. I work full time, then come home to cook, clean, and get our daughter ready for bed, after which she needs to cuddle until she falls asleep.
When I finish that, nothing is cleaned, and he is often sitting on the couch, sometimes having fallen asleep.
I have been asking for help around the house—sharing cooking, kitchen cleanup, and getting our daughter ready—asking that we take turns. When he agrees to a task, like dishes, it is often undone by morning.
He also creates issues about not wanting to see my family.
We recently had a large fight where he admitted he purposely doesn’t help because he is tired of reminding me to turn off the lights. He feels his years of asking about the lights outweigh my requests for help with everything else.
I am becoming very resentful.
He recently brought up surrogacy for another child. I told him I am not sure I want another child with him because he doesn’t help me. He responded that I really hurt him and that plenty of other mothers can manage everything with more than one child.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is feeling deep resentment stemming from an unequal division of household labor and childcare responsibilities, compounded by her husband’s refusal to assist despite her chronic health issues and ADHD. The central conflict lies in the OP’s need for partnership and support versus the husband’s adherence to traditional gender roles and his use of minor infractions, like leaving lights on, as justification for withholding meaningful help.
Is the OP justified in expressing her desire to halt plans for a second child due to her husband’s lack of support, or did this statement constitute an unfair reaction to his frustration over small household tasks? The core question remains whether the disparity in effort justifies halting major life decisions like expanding the family.
Here’s how people reacted:
Your husband has some red flags. He has this outdated idea that even though BOTH of you work, you’re the only one obligated to do the daily domestic chores. His chores I’m assuming are mowing the lawn, shoveling snow ( if you live somewhere that get snow), and taking out garbage/ recycling/ compost. All of those things are at most once a week or once every two weeks.
Meanwhile you have to clean( laundry, dishes, sweep, mop, bathrooms), cook( buy the groceries, prep the food, cook the meals), child care( feed and bathe daughter, read/ do night time routine and communicate with childcare provider/ school etc). Did I get that right? Sounds like you’re doing all the emotional labour in the relationship on top of most of the actual labour. Sorry pushing a button on the Roomba doesn’t qualify.
You have ADHD( often people with it are treated as though lazy even though they’re not. They just have shitty executive function). People with ADHD are always on the brink of burn out if they aren’t already.You’ve gone through IVF, pregnancy, child birth hysterectomy and cancer. FUCKING CANCER! Your husband is at best clueless, at worst he’s an absolute a- hole and narcissist. He wants to add to your list of responsibilities by having another child through a surrogate?! So he can do even less?
I don’t know if counselling is worth it. He is unlikely to change his mindset.
When engaging with him in conversation use I statements and ask questions in a curious way so as to not put him on the defensive. Example: I feel very overwhelmed and exhausted because I have to do all the house hold chores and I feel hurt when you accuse me of being lazy. It would be more fair for you to do the dishes and laundry if I’m the one cooking and grocery shopping.
You can certainly try marriage counseling as a therapist would act as a mediator and give you both tools to communicate better. Only you can decide that.
As for wanting or not wanting another child with him, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. He can’t even pull his weight now with the one child you do have.
Think about it, then think again. There is one massive AH in this story, and it isn’t you.
NTA.
If living with him is that bad, then give him some time to shape up, or let him know you will leave. I was raised in an old school environment. Mom stayed at home and watched the kids Dad worked. Somehow I was able to grow enough to help my wife around the house, and have even been the stay at home husband for two different stints in our marriage. Your husband is just an A$$ don’t make excuses for him. Tell him what you need for support and get some counseling for the two of you.
It is up to couple how to handle. NAH.
Personally I am not traditional and both my parents worked but my wife got sick years ago. consequently she stopped working for an income and we had to learn a different split of responsibilities one where oner person might do 100 percent of a task, like work outside the home and the balance was the other did 100 percent of another task.
But you two have a lot more deeper seeded issues that you need to work on before turning into that couple that divorced after 11 years of resentment and hatred
This is beyond Reddit (who I’m sure majority will start to tell you to divorce the manchild, because he sounds like an awful partner from your perspective of what you’ve shared) – couples therapy would maybe help.
Or maybe it will tell you you need to consider more options for yourself and your child
You danced around it but it sounds like you had numerous emotional affairs prior
To getting married. Seems he may not have recovered from that and became resentful combined with your infertility.
Hes being the most toxic person ever about it but it seems to me thats the source
Of all this toxicity
You need to take care of yourself or you will burn out. Since he won’t help, it will all be on you, there is nothing wrong with prioritizing yourself in this situation.
You have more of a husband problem than he won’t do housework.
Have you told him that there are plenty of husbands and dads out there who actually behave as more than half a paycheck?
yeah, and a lot of them are miserable, exhausted, and stuck in unhealthy marriages. Don’t let him guilt-trip you. NTA.
What a lovely way to describe cheating on someone and then marrying them
You don’t have a “I don’t want another child” problem. You have a giant marriage problem.