Umm I think NAH. Everyone just has a lot of feelings here and it’s very possible that your daughter didn’t realize how much she was hurting her dad’s feelings. I have inherited my dad’s strong jaw and “assertive” nose. They look good on him and he’s an objectively handsome man. They are more “interesting” on a female face and it took a lot of time to like the way I look. I still might opt for plastic surgery one day.

I think it’s also hard for you to be objective about your daughter’s appearance. Of course she is beautiful to you! But she’s getting bullied by her peers. So maybe there is some validity in her feelings? I don’t think it’s particularly helpful to just keep telling her she needs to find herself beautiful when she doesn’t feel that way, and the outside world is telling her otherwise. It’s also possible that you and your other daughters ARE more conventionally attractive.

I think it’s right to tell your daughter to knock off blaming her dad – that’s just being mean. But maybe you should stop being naive to the fact that not everyone is beautiful and gets to benefit from that beauty. Heap praise on your kids for other attributes that aren’t accidents of genetics and be realistic with your daughter about how she can save up for plastic surgery if that’s something she decides she wants as an adult.

NAH. You were right to tell her that. In fact, I think it should be pointed out that she is behaving the exact same way as the bullies who gave her this insecurity and is that who she wants to be?

But also, I know you said she’s been to a therapist but I’m going to suggest (in case you just took her to an average therapist) you find her someone who specializes in/has a lot of experience in body dysmorphia (you might look for someone who works with trans people and ask if they take non-trans people or can recommend someone) because I don’t think your daughter is having average “self-esteem issues”. It sounds like she might be experiencing full on dysmorphia and projecting that onto her dad too. That’s a much more serious issue and I think at this point (having been through other therapy, stopped the bullying and seeing her bullying her dad to this degree) calling in a specialist is called for.

And I wouldn’t give in to plastic surgery without first talking to a dysmorphia specialist. You need to know if that’s recommended or not (I think not but I’m not a specialist). Your daughter is clearly struggling with something serious here and you all need some support to keep it from getting worse.

Edited: autocorrect

Might get downvoted, but i’m going with NAH as this is just overall a sad situation where there are no winners.

There are some features that look amazing on one gender, but when inherited by an opposite-gendered child they no longer translate quite the same. Seeing features in your gendered parent can associates that trait with the gender – for example, making someone feel like they have a “masculine” jawline, when really it’s a normal jawline, it just happens to be the same one their father has.

It doesn’t make the parent or child ugly, it just can be unsettling, especially if siblings “got the good genes”. Your daughter has a big history of having issues with her appearance, including having the world validate those feelings through bullying, to the point that this is highly likely mental disorder status and needs specialised body dysmorphia therapy, as well as family therapy.

NTA at all – your daughter is!

With 17 years she is old enough to understand that how she treats her dad is incredibly cruel.

The prettiest (aswell as the ugliest) attribute a person can have is the attitude.
Its not exactly how the physical features of a person are but rather how this person presents and handles these features.

If she wants to have the surgery don’t stop her from it, but I would not pay for it neither. She can earn it herself. I dont know what she would like to “fix” but she can manage to earn 3000 Dollars in a year by working a couple of hours a week.

Dont let your daughter treat your husband like that and give all your attention to him.
Men also like to hear that they are pretty and gorgeus 🙂

I don’t know, I might have to go with ESH here. If she’s getting bullied and wants jaw shaving surgery, that makes me think of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore’s 3 daughters, they all look like Bruce and Rumer was horribly bullied about her face (jaw in particular).

I agree the daughter is being horrible to her father blaming him, but sometimes what is attractive or accepted as a “quirky” look on a man is not accepted on a woman, but is it possible that between her being your daughter as well as resembling your husband, you aren’t acknowledging that? I do think she should wait and see if she grows into her face, but I wouldn’t say that she shouldn’t ever have surgery however if that’s what she still wants.

I hardly comment on these posts because other comments already say the gist, but NAH. She’s harsh for saying what she said, but kids in HS can absolutely push someone to that. Unsure if this has already been said, but have y’all tried to look up celebrities with the similar jaw that she has? I had a couple insecurities thru HS (tall as hell / big lips) and it helped me to see that some “beautiful people” have the same features. But no matter what, I *personally* think that surgery is a horrible idea. I’m not sure of the severity of her features, but unless it’s messing with her health, I think it could be super cool. Modeling agencies look for off the wall features.

As someone said it’s just a genetic lottery and she got, what she thinks, is the short end of the stick. Reading this makes me grateful that my kid doesn’t blame me for suffering from a genetic illness that makes my kid unable to do most day to day things that other teenagers do.
That being said you and you’re husband are definitely not ahs and your kid obviously needs more help than what she’s been getting interns of therapy. It sounds like it goes deeper than just being a bratty 17 year old. I’m going to vote NAH because we don’t know the extent of your child’s mental health at this time. I hope she gets the help she needs, from a therapist that looks deeper.

I hated the way I looked in high school and felt like I’d never have a boyfriend or even a date really. Kids were horrible and adults always told me I was beautiful. Unfortunately it’s easier to believe the kids

But then, college! Oh my god it was a eye opening experience. I grew into my face (late bloomer) and it turns out I wasn’t the ugliest person in the entire world.

What she’s saying to your husband is very wrong and she needs to stop. But explain to her that things change and beauty standards change too. Try to subtly help her with her self confidence if possible.

NTA. Being a teenager is the worst and when my self esteem was at its all time low, so in that sense I sympathize with your daughter. HOWEVER unless she’s entirely self-centered or dumb then she knows that what she’s doing is hurtful and wrong. If she’s already been to various therapists then sadly I’m not sure what would be the next step, but it’s clear she does need help. Whatever you do please don’t pay for her plastic surgery, that’s only rewarding her shitty behavior. She’s almost 18; if she wants it that badly she can get a job and start saving to pay for it herself.

YTA you are trying the right thing but your blatant denial breaks your daughter. If your daughter is mobbed at school she is not absolutely gorgeous. Your husband might be handsome, you mention unique features. But male handsome looks are not good looks for a women.

So you confuse your daughter constantly. This dissonance is causing her stress. She will never learn to accept who she is if you try to warp her perception of who she is.

> which is why I even married him.

you seem to also be really focused on looks which does not help either.

NTA.
I understand that your daughter is struggeling, 17 is a difficult age to navigate even without self-image issues, it does not give her the right to slash out against her father. It is nobodies fault that she looks like him, there is a reason we are talking about “genetic lottery”.
Look into specialized therapy for your girl, this sounds like there is an underlying issue at work and surgery will not fix that.
I am glad you take care of you husband, he sounds like a wonderful partner.
I hope things work out for your family.

NTA, your daughter is clearly in the wrong here, and shes 17, shes old enough to start dealing with her issues tbh, I was expecting this kind of behavior from a 14 year old, she cant change her appearence, but she can change her attitude, this is just a really toxic mindset to have and worst thing is she is blaming other people for something they have no control over, and the dad is letting it affect him, I know why he feels that way, but he needs to accept its something he had no control over

Info: How long was your daughter bullied and how can you be sure it stopped?

I’m asking because I could imagine very well that if she gets still bullied she tries to feel better by bullying someone herself. And it would be the easiest way to bully the person who’s “fault” it was. Aka your husband. Even though I absolutely don’t think it’s his fault or makes it better that she does the same but you could actually do something against it with moving her to another school.

NAH
She’s been bullied heavily for her looks, that kind of thing sticks with you. If it’s at the point where she’s considering surgery, that speaks to me of a LOT of pain, possibly trauma, about her appearance. You can’t scold or discipline that away and it’s not her fault. This is something that will take time and probably therapy to heal. I have extreme body issues from childhood bullying, and it sucks so much.

I feel like you guys are being really harsh on this girl. Yes, she is almost an adult. And i in no way accept the way she is blaming her daughter, but having body issues is really hard and those bullies may still be doing it. First help her through this predicament. then she will apologize on her own account.

NTA but also have you thought of getting her checked for body dysmorphic disorder? granted i’ve had self esteem issues my entire life and also look like my dad, but i’ve never felt it was his fault and this just seems way over the top even for just regular teenaged self esteem problems.

Definitely NTA. And for the love of god stop enabling her manipulative behaviour by pandering to her. She needs to understand that there are consequences for her appalling behaviour. She is 17yrs old, nearly an adult, she doesn’t get to act like this.

NAH. Your husband sounds kind of dumb. Masculine features that are attractive on men don’t always look attractive on women. I can’t blame your daughter because her reactions suggest mental illness.