As grief tightened its grip, the family found strength in each other, their connection growing even deeper amid the pain. Through the milestones and memories, including their eldest daughter’s wedding, the enduring love of a devoted husband and father continues to light their path, a beacon of resilience and hope in the face of loss.
In January of 2019, my husband was diagnosed with a brain tumour. It was in a completely inoperable part of the brain, and was told me had six months to live. He stuck it out and died in October, three months longer than he was expected to.
He was always positive, and decided a few weeks after his diagnosis that he would write letters for our daughters for significant events in their lives. My husband was my soulmate, and the past few months have been difficult knowing I’ve lost him.
We have two daughters, Mia who is 21 and Imogen (Immy) who is 19. All three of us have become a lot closer since their dads death, and we’ve all really struggled. My husband and I were together since we were children, got married when we were 18 and we were approaching our 20th wedding anniversary when he passed.
In February of this year, Mia got married to a boy she’s been with for about 6 years. I absolutely love her husband and he’s been incredibly supportive during all of our grief. My husband wrote a letter for Mia to open on her wedding day.
It’s worth noting that my daughters were unaware of these letters, it was my job to give them to our daughters.
Her wedding day comes around and I just can’t bring myself to give her the letter. I read it and just wanted to keep it to myself. I had his handwriting and his words and it felt like he was there, and I couldn’t bare the thought of giving that up yet.
I was fully intending on giving her all the other letters as the events happened.
Last week Mia and her husband bought their first home together. They’d been living at our home since they got married, and so had a lot of stuff to pack and move to their new house.
Mia asked me where her important documents were, passport, birth certificate etc, so I told her they were in my top drawer of my dresser in my bedroom. The only letter that was in there was the one I was meant to give her on her wedding day, the rest were hidden away.
She immediately recognised his handwriting and of course it was addressed to her, so she read it and broke down. She came and found me and started screaming at me asking how I could be so selfish.
I didn’t really know what to say apart from the fact that I wanted to keep it and she could take a picture of it. Both my daughters called me an asshole and are convinced I’m keeping them from a load of their dads stuff.
AITA?
EDIT – have your opinions, that’s why I posted this. But do not come into my PMs and tell me I should’ve been the one to die instead. You’re worse than I am if that’s what gets you off.
Sending me death threats isn’t okay either
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is struggling deeply with the loss of her husband, manifesting as an intense need to hold onto tangible memories, specifically the letter he wrote for her elder daughter’s wedding. Her attempt to safeguard this final connection has directly conflicted with her daughter’s expectation and right to receive the intended message on her significant day, leading to accusations of selfishness and severe family distress.
Is the OP justified in prioritizing her immediate need to preserve a connection with her deceased husband over honoring his explicit instructions and her daughter’s right to an emotional milestone gift, or was this action a harmful act of grief control that severely damaged trust within the family unit?
Here’s how people reacted:
What you’ve done here is a betrayal not only of your daughters but of your husband. One of his last wishes was that these letters be given to them at certain milestone points in their lives. He wanted them to read his words and know that he will always be with them in their hearts. It’s *terrible* of you to keep that from them. It *is* selfish of you, not only to keep them, but to have read them as well. They weren’t *meant* for you. It wasn’t OK for you to read them and hoard them like you have. People grieve and cope in different ways but grief still isn’t an excuse to be hurtful to or disrespectful of others. The kind and respectful thing to have done — to still do — is to give your daughters whatever letters are meant for them and then ask them if they would be willing to make copies for you. Those letters belong to your daughters. Your husband intended for your daughters to have them. You’re dishonoring him by not giving them up. You still have time to fix this by giving your daughters *their* letters. If you persist in holding on to them, or saying your daughters can only have copies or pictures, you’ll ruin your relationships with them. What you’ve done is *just that* selfish; if you don’t apologize and make it right, they may never forgive you.
Edit: You *are* keeping your daughters from a load of their dad’s stuff — *the letters he wrote them*. At this point, you’ve demonstrated you can’t be trusted to incrementally honor his wishes (i.e. give them the letters at the time of the significant events), so you really should give them all the letters with the instructions of when they should be opened. You say it’s “worth noting” that your daughters didn’t know about the letters beforehand. That fact, coupled with how you acted with the letter meant for your oldest daughter on her wedding day tells me your daughters are right to be concerned that you possibly never intended to give them these letters. You say in the post that you were going to give your oldest her other letters when the life events for which the letters were meant happened, but I don’t believe you and now, your daughters don’t believe you either. The only way you can fix this is to give your daughters the letters and apologize for letting your grief get the better of you. If you’re lucky, they’ll forgive you and make copies for you to keep. But you need to give them their letters. Not doing so now that they know about it makes you a continuing asshole.
I don’t blame them for getting angry. Yeah, you’re grieving but they are too. If you were hiding a letter like that from them, in their eyes it’s like, “What else is she hiding? Are there more letters Dad wrote for us? Did he make something for us? Was there other things he wanted us to keep to remember him?”
Fact of the matter is that this letter was meant to be given to her at her wedding, not when you felt like it, not kept hidden away in your drawer, not for you to keep, it was for her. So not only did you hurt your own daughter, in a way you disrespected your own husband’s wishes for what you were supposed to do with the letter and didn’t fulfill that final request.
Plus telling her she can just take a picture of it? Like, hell no, it was HERS to begin with. Why can’t the same be applied to you. Your actions were completely selfish and their anger was warranted. You should give that letter to your daughter and apologize to her. Totally not cool.
Edit….
Those of you who are messaging OP directly with pure nastiness, just stop. Yes, what she did was absolutely disgusting, but so is telling her she should be the dead one. At the end of the day, she made a massive mistake based on heightened emotions of loosing someone she desperately loved. If I lost mine, I would 100% be in a horrific state. She knows now how wrong she was, and probably will never forgive herself. OP I wish you nothing but healing time for you and your daughter. It may take a long time, but please dont give up and try to make amends if possible.
Your only role was to be your husband’s postman and you couldn’t handle that, you have to be the center of his life even in death and make his letter to her all about you. You are not just an ass but a self-centered, narcissistic mother. I don’t blame your daughters for wondering what else you’ve stolen from them.
And just know? My grandfather died when.m my mom was a teenager, he left her a letter. Unfortunately she knew of the letter’s existence but it was kept from her and she never got to read it. She’s still hurting from this at the age of 60. Your daughters deserve the letter intended for them.
Apologize and beg their forgiveness or you’re going to lose your relationship with your daughters.
> It’s worth noting that my daughters were unaware of these letters, it was my job to give them to our daughters.
Wait, there are more letters? If there’s one for your other daughter’s wedding day, give it to Mia right now so they can both be sure that you won’t try to pull the same stunt again. If there are any remaining letters to be delivered at milestones, someone else should be entrusted to hold them right now.
He wrote those on his death bed and entrusted you with them to give to his daughters thinking that you would carry out his wishes. They were meant for them not you. YOU can take the pictures and they get the original. She lost her father and didn’t have him with her on a VERY significant day, and instead of giving him a piece that he left behind you’re keeping it for yourself AND saying that she can only have a picture? Those letters aren’t about you. They’re about his relationship with his daughters. Give them the letters, and if they are alright with it, take pictures of it.
My dad died when I was 17. Do you have any idea how hard it is to marry a man my dad never got to meet? To walk down the aisle without him? My wedding day was supposed to be one of my best memories and instead it was just so hard. A letter would have meant the world to me.
What you did was rotten. And the fact that you still haven’t realized that speaks volumes. This wasn’t only your loss. Do you not realize that?
I can’t imagine the horrible grief of losing your spouse, and I certainly understand you wanting to hang on to any remnant of your husband that you can.
However, those letters were meant for your daughters as part of your husbands dying wishes.
They deserve to have them. You’re being selfish and ignoring their grief, and you’re also disrespecting the memory of your husband.
Ask your daughters jf you can take a picture of the letters and let them have the originals.
You should have given her the letter as that’s what he wanted. But losing your husband is so traumatic and you cant think logically when you’re so heartbroken. I understand why you kept it from her, and I understand why she’s upset. I hope and believe you two can get over this.
Sorry for your loss. Grief does weird things to people. just apologize, make it right, and heal together.
Sorry for your loss. Please give your girls the letters he clearly wanted them to have.
You stole something meant for your daughter because you wanted it more. This is the definition of selfishness right here. Grief is no excuse to be an asshole.