Speaking as a social worker with years of experience in CPS…

You’d be wrong if you let it continue. As a foster parent, you have a responsibility that (for lack of a better way to put it) other people have control over, and your responsibility includes protecting May from people who treat her that way. Whatever landed her in foster care has done enough damage and she, more than most children, needs to know she is safe. There’s more happening than this one incident, right? Don’t let your sister stay there. Your case manager may get concerned.
Good luck!

*Edit to add… NTA, and I didn’t think about this before, but in most places you have to have the approval of your case manager before someone can live with you – they need to have background checks and the like.
I’m glad your parents are keeping your sister, but if anybody decides to push it, there’s your out. ❤️

Edit 2… Wow, you guys! Thanks for all of the awards! You’ve made my day! 😊

If you haven’t seen OP’s comment – May’s going to have chocolate bombs! Chocolate makes everything better when you’re 5.

NTA one of your most important roles as a foster parent is to protect the mental and physical well being of your foster and you are doing that. While I sympathize with your sisters loss I have to say her miscarriage may be a blessing in disguise. An adult that bullys a small child like that has some serious growing up to do and is not prepared to raise a child is she thinks treating ANY child like that is OK. She was being emotionally abusive, and the fact that she was doing so to a vulnerable child that likely may have trauma issues is absolutely inappropriate and abhorrent. I would not let her anywhere near your foster child and would recommend some serious therapy. As well you might want to give some consideration as to how CPS might feel about you allowing an emotionally abusive adult to continue to have contact with your foster

NTA

Unless you let that woman back in near your child. Then you would be TA. She is bullying and abusing your daughter. You are a good parent. Protecting her from that sort of abuse. And it is abuse make no mistake.

I understand she can be grieving, and it can be very hard to face it head on. But her choice was to live with you. And that means respecting the house’s inhabitants.

I am very sorry for her loss. But if this is how she is treating a child because of her own pain. How would she be as a mother?

I always tell people, trauma is the reason behind the behavior. But is not the excuse. This is unexcusable.Especially from someone who wants to be a mother.

NTA!

What she said to May was horrible – calling her a brat?!! And she also clearly thinks that May is a secondhand child and doesn’t consider her to be part of the family despite you thinking about adopting her. My guess is that this won’t change with an adoption.

Yes, she is grieving but that doesn’t mean she’s allowed to just mistreat a kid who doesn’t understand why her aunt is being so mean to her. You defended your foster daughter and it’s also kind of your duty to provide a stable and healthy environment for your kid. Having somebody in the house who clearly mistreats her isn’t save for May.

I also think your sister needs professional help.

Ever notice these stories almost always involve a mother who takes the side of the other person in this argument? Like, they alway end with “Now I’m getting calls/emails/voice messages from my mom who is angry I’m making things awkward for the family”.

Anyways, NTA. Your sister needs to be in therapy, because lashing out at a child just because they’re upset that they…what, exist? That they remind her of what she lost? That’s shitty. I think you’re well within your right to have asked her to move out, and hopefully, when she has gained some perspective, she’ll have realized how horribly she was being.

NTA. If your sister can’t stand being in the same house as a child, and can’t control herself from lashing out at said child, then she needs to find somewhere else to live. She knew May lived there when she moved in.

Miscarriage is horrible. She’s entitled to her feelings. She’s not entitled to yell at a kid and call her a brat for simply existing. Sounds like she’s taking her grief out on people (including her soon-to-be-ex husband) instead of dealing with it in a mature manner and should probably get some counseling for that.

>said that she was grieving and asked how I could “put someone else’s kid over her’s”

That’s fucking unhinged, she doesn’t HAVE a kid. She’s being abusive to a little girl in the friggin _foster system_ like, way to kick a 5 year old when she’s down. I’m sorry I don’t understand the logic of being hateful to a child because you lost your pregnancy. That’s so fucking backwards.

NTA, good for you for standing up to her bullshit

NTA, I’m very sorry for your sisters loss but she’s out of her damn mind for this behavior. There’s absolutely no excuse to treat a child that way. She sounds like she needs some mental health services if she can’t bear to even be around or see your child. Also what she said to you is inexcusable and gross. She really needs help and you have more grace than I would have had in that situation.

NTA NTA NTA.

Kate is projecting her legitimately very real, very valid big girl feelings onto a toddler whose only crime is existing in her presence. It’s ok to grieve, but using the innocent children you are around as an outlet for your negative emotions is unacceptable. You putting a boundary in place to ensure that that doesn’t continue happening to May is the 100% right thing to do.

NTA, why does your child deserve to be treated like garbage? Your sister is in the clear wrong here. I’d say your sister is 100% in the wrong here but I can imagine she’s got a lot going on right now not that it justifies the way she’s acting. But after she recovers mentally I am sure all will be well.

NTA. I can’t believe she’s trying to use love of a child as an excuse to abuse a child. Absolutely not. If she can’t handle it then it is 100% on her to make sure she doesn’t enter situations where she becomes unsafe for others. Your parents are also beyond wrong.

NTA for kicking her out, but you were definitely the asshole for letting her stay there one moment longer after she mistreated your child.

if your child’s caseworker had been wise to the situaiton, you would have correctly lost your foster license.

NTA. You already said it. Your sister, a grown adult, is bullying a child. Your sister went through a great tragedy, but that doesn’t justify her treating your daughter badly.

NTA.

Kate’s ass would’ve been sleeping in a Greyhound bus station with her shit in garbage bags after I would’ve witnessed the _first_ incident.

ooph uh

NTA

my heart goes out to sister

but this is ridiculous

no you dont get to emotionally damage a child because you want one

full stop

NTA. No one should speak to a child that way, ever, regardless of circumstance. Full stop, end of debate.