In a family fractured by grief, misunderstandings, and silent resentments, the decision to refuse her sister’s heartfelt request was not born from cruelty, but from a tangled history of hurt and divided loyalties. The scars left by loss and anxiety created an invisible barrier, making the simple act of styling hair on a wedding day a profound crossroads where love, loyalty, and forgiveness collided.
My sister is getting married in a couple of months. She finished cancer treatments recently and her hair has been badly affected by this. She’s very self-conscious of it so she wanted me to be her hair stylist on her wedding day, instead of going to a salon.
She approached me about it a month ago and I said no. There have been some very mixed opinions in our family about this so I decided to post about it and see what the consensus would be.
She and I have had our many issues in the past. She lost one of her best friends around the same time I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder. She had expected our whole family to go to the funeral but our older brothers stayed home with me while our parents took her to the funeral.
She was pissed at our brothers and at me. She said her friend had been the best person and we should have all been there for her. I, personally, did not like her friend. She was mean to me as a kid.
She was mean to me up to the day she died even. So I wasn’t grieving. I was also not good around people then. My sister told me she wished it had been me who died instead of her best friend, because at least her best friend would have cared.
About a year after that her boyfriend at the time had cheated on her. I had heard the rumors but our relationship was nothing at that point. She realized I must have heard the rumors and got mad at me for not telling her.
I told her I hadn’t cared about what was going on in her life, which is true. I reminded her of what she had said to me previously.
We kinda patched things up after not living together for a couple of years. We weren’t close, but that’s to be expected I would imagine.
When our oldest brother got married our SIL asked us both to be bridesmaids and asked if I could do her hair (I’m a hairstylist). She got really jealous of the fact our SIL spent more time with me, and that I was more involved than she was.
She ended up mocking me for being so quiet and saying I must be a terrible stylist because everyone knows you go to chat to the stylist as much as to get your hair done, and I can hardly hold a conversation.
Our brother was so furious with her that he almost kicked her out of the wedding party. It was then that I sort of detached from her entirely.
So while I understand my sister is vulnerable after having cancer and going through treatment, and I realize that she’s self-conscious and really needing to find someone she feels comfortable with, I do not want to do her hair.
I don’t want to spend that time with her. I know what she thinks of me. She might find me the best option because we’re related. But she has treated me badly for things I cannot control and has hurt me in some really big ways.
My parents are pushing for me to do it and were horrified I said no, while our brothers are on my side.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is facing significant internal conflict regarding their sister’s request for them to do her hair on her wedding day. Despite understanding the sister’s vulnerability due to recent cancer treatment and associated self-consciousness, the OP feels unwilling due to a long history of painful and hurtful interactions, including past insults and a death wish directed at the OP. The conflict is amplified by parental pressure to agree versus the OP’s personal decision to maintain emotional distance.
Given the deep-seated history of emotional harm and the OP’s clearly established boundary against spending intimate time with their sister, the core question remains: Is the OP justified in prioritizing their own long-term emotional preservation over fulfilling a temporary, albeit significant, need for their sister during her vulnerable time? Or does the familial relationship and the sister’s current health status necessitate overriding past grievances to offer support?
Here’s how people reacted:
How old was your sister when her friend passed? What she said to you was horrible, but if she was a teenager loosing her best friend, and NONE of her siblings bothered to show up and support her at the funeral because you have anxiety, I honestly understand why she acted out.
After that, you knew her boyfriend was cheating on her, and not only did you (again) not bother telling her and supporting her, but you also told her you did not care at all about what was going on in her life. How cruel, kicking a person while their down!
You then patched things up, but you still don’t like her and actively excluded her during preparation for your brothers wedding. She reacted poorly (no excuse, your sister was TA here) but yet again, your siblings all sided with you against her.
You then just quickly mention that she is getting married soon after battling cancer. Have you supported her at all during her battle with cancer or the wedding preparation?
Have your other siblings?
For some reason your sister keeps reaching out and has asked you to do a small thing to help her prepare for the wedding. You are not required to do anything for her obviously, so you can of course refuse to do her hair if you don’t want to.
However, I think you and your brothers sound like horrible siblings that do nothing to support your sister despite her traumas.
Everyone is the asshole here IMO
A grieving teen (her) lashed out at a mentally ill one (you) for not being there for her.
A betrayed teen (her) lashed out at a hurt teen (you) for not being there for her.
A young woman (her) lashed out at her sister (you) for being there for someone else but not her.
Now she’s asking you for you to be there for her in a time when she’s *most* vulnerable.
Is what she did or said all those times right? No. She has said some cruel things.
Is what you did or said all those times right? Also no. You don’t have to grieve the friend to support your sister. You could have given her the simplest warning about the bf. Neither of you are blameless.
The question is not “who has done worse?” It’s “do you want a sister moving forward?” This is a make or break moment. You could sit down and express all of the hurt from your relationship, own your own mistakes, and try to mend things as adults. Or you can mark the relationship as over and let it end. The choice is yours.
My sister bullied me throughout childhood. We found a place of neutrality as teens, and have since connected and healed as adults. People do terrible things sometimes. The question is whether you’ll let it define you and your relationship or if you’ll give reconciliation a shot.
Rather than asking AITI, I am going to pose a different question: do you want to have a better relationship with your sister going forward or would you rather maintain your distance?
Both choices are valid. Neither would make you the asshole.
The only thing you have to remember is: all you can control is your actions and your choices. You get to choose how you want to engage with your sister and how much. She may continue to be a difficult person or maybe she also wants to change your relationship and she may be asking for your help because she feels like she can trust you.
So, what do you want to do?
Respectfully, her cancer survivor status has zero effect on the matter. Someone is asking you to do something and you don’t want to. And you’re not comfortable with it. So, say “no” and that’s the end of that.
Sure, some people are going to raise hell and be all “you have to support your recovering sister! monster!” Well, fuck those people for trying to abuse the “cancer” status to harass everyone into granting special favours.
Just say no if you don’t want to and that is the end of it from your perspective. Word it nicer if you want, but be firm. Or give no reason, since you don’t really need to.
1) Say No – being aware that EVERYONE will have an opinion. Regardless of this, continue to say No.
2) suggest doing a hair trial at least 6/8 weeks in advance – treat her like a paying customer. Have a neutral observer there. Be professional.
Do not let her antagonise you & if she attempts any verbal aggression stop the entire thing stating “ I will not accept this behaviour from a customer, I certainly will not accept it from my sister. Especially as others are prepared to pay $$$!”
If you do decide to do it, treat her like a customer, not your sister & be clear on your expectations.
>She ended up mocking me for being so quiet and **saying I must be a terrible stylist** because everyone knows you go to chat to the stylist as much as to get your hair done, and I can hardly hold a conversation.
“Sorry, I won’t be able to do sister’s hair. She has told me in the past that she does not think I’m a good stylist. I think it’s better if she sees a stylist that she thinks is professional”
>I realize that she’s self-conscious and really needing to find someone she feels comfortable with
But would she really feel so comfortable around you?
Your parents are going to “horrified” because often parents think siblings should always do for each other and turn a blind eye to their conflicts. Stand your ground, OP!
overlook her sickness & focus on how’s she’s treated you in the past. would you accept this treatment from a client? i would say no. family doesn’t get a get out of jail free card to run us over & then try to be our bffs when they need their hair done. do what is best for your health.
I would not want someone whom I knew disliked me to do my hair anyways. She needs to move on and find someone else.
I’m not buying that the issues between you and your sister and all one sided. Sounds like your both pretty nasty to each other. You have a major chip on your shoulder about your sister and you need to get over it.
NTA
After a lifetime spent belittling you, NOW she wants a favour?
No is a full sentence. Stick to it.
She can go to a salon.
She doesn’t feel comfortable with you as a stylist, she feels comfortable with you as her emotional punching bag.