Now caught between honoring her son’s true identity and preserving the fragments of his past, she faces an impossible choice. Her love is unwavering, yet misunderstood, as she wrestles with the pain of being labeled something she is not. In this fragile dance of change and acceptance, the heart’s complexity is laid bare, asking for empathy beyond words or labels.
My 45F son, 18M, has transitioned from a female to a male about 4-5 years ago. I ,myself, thought that it’s a little too early to start transitioning, but I didn’t say anything and decided to be supportive.
After all, that’s my child!
Anyway, a few days ago, my son saw me scrolling through my camera roll and yelled at me because I was tearing up at his baby pictures, where he was still dressed extremely femininely and was obviously a girl.
I wasn’t crying at it because he isn’t a girl anymore, I was crying because time flies! He told me that by me keeping those photos as memories, I am totally disregarding the fact that he is no longer a girl and I am transgender phobic.
My heart was saddened by this because that is the last thing I will ever be. I have open arms to anyone and everyone.
I personally believe that it’s not fair for me to delete the photos because those are some of the only memories I have of him when he was an infant/kid. Please give me some feedback if i’m the asshole or not, and whether I should delete them.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) feels hurt because her son accused her of being transphobic for keeping childhood photos where he appeared feminine. The OP’s conflict stems from balancing her desire to keep personal memories of her child’s early life against her son’s current need for validation regarding his gender identity and transition.
Is the mother wrong for wanting to preserve memories of her child’s infancy, even if those memories conflict with his current gender identity, or must she erase those specific visual records to fully affirm his present self?
Here’s how people reacted:
Here’s the thing. A lot of early transition folks get really, really vehement about not seeing photos of themself when their gender was wrong, and then mellow out a LOT about it once they’ve physically transitioned. The dysphoria lets up, and it does get better. He’s probably never going to *like* seeing photos like that, but you BOTH might regret it if you throw them out.
Here’s what I’d recommend:
1) Before you do anything, back up the photos. It’s a good thing to do regardless, and if he changes his mind, you won’t regret it.
2) Take your son out to do something nice that feels gender affirming for him. Maybe a sports game, or a short hike, or the movies- whatever.
3) After the thing, sit down and have a heart to heart with him. Tell him that you’ve been thinking about what he said with the baby pictures. Explain how you feel again- that you’re proud of the man he’s grown to be, that you never want him to feel like you don’t see him as a man, but you like to look back on the journey.
4) Ask if there’s a compromise he’d be okay with. Are some of the photos worse than others for him? Is he okay with the ones where he’s in a onesie but not a Communion dress?
Good luck. This is a hard situation to be in.
As for your son accusing you of being transphobic, that’s his opinion. Doesn’t make it right.
On a related note, you might want to find a support group for parents of children who have transitioned. Your son might want to find a trans coming out group. I co-facilitated a gay/bi men’s coming out group and the men found it very helpful. (I learned a lot, but that’s a story for another time). The LGBT center in San Diego, where I volunteered, had several trans resource groups. It’s worth checking out.
If it were me, I’d back them up on a computer/USB stick and remove them from my phone, just to prevent needlessly antagonizing him.
Im not deleting his baby pics. He can go try that shit on someone else. I loved him when he was a baby and I love him now. It’s not all about him.
It’s not erasure.
Put them away somewhere safe so he can have them when he’s ready.