Her voice, meant to be heard and honored, was drowned out by his self-justifications and pleas for comfort. The weight of her trauma pressed down, yet she found herself comforting the very person who violated her, a cruel twist that deepened her isolation and shattered the sanctuary of their relationship.
A few weeks ago I woke up to my boyfriend of 4 years’ trying to stick his you-know-what in me, and I feel violated and don’t know what to do because when I bring it up he centres his own feelings about it and I end up comforting HIM.
I have never said that this was ok to do, in fact it never came to mind he’d do something like this because I told him my ex graped me that way once. It went a bit different that time yeah, he asked, I said no, then I woke up to him doing it anyway.
This time it just happened. I woke up to him dry humping me, then pulling my pants down and trying to enter me. I jumped out of bed and asked what he was doing. He told me because I didn’t stop the dry humping (that he assumed I was awake enough to say anything about at that moment and not actively trying to process wtf is going on) I wanted it.
I immediately told him that no, I never want to be penetrated in my sleep in fact that’s incredibly triggering and terrifying for me considering my past.
He started crying and I thought it was because he felt bad for doing something so completely violating but instead he looked up at me and said “Do you really think i’m the kind of guy to hurt you like that?” and then he said that I was cruel for comparing him to someone so awful.
I said the actions were what I was comparing, not him wholly as a person, and yes to acknowledge the reality and depth of what he’d done I felt it was entirely necessary to tell him how similar his behaviour in that moment was to my ex’s.
Am I supposed to lie and tell him it isn’t? I can’t consent in my sleep. I am now fully awake and would never consent to someone advancing on me sexually while I am asleep. I thought I made that clear enough but apparently not.
He’s been so distant from me since this whole ordeal. I get one word answers and grunts from him and only when I bring up the incident do I actually get full sentences out of him. But every time, it’s just him telling me how cruel I am for standing by my comparison and how I must not love him if I view him in that light.
I have tried to get him to see my perspective here but it just doesn’t work. He just gets pissy again or he cries or he tells me how I must feel about him instead of just actually listening to how I feel and not doing what he did again.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is experiencing deep feelings of violation and fear due to a severe breach of physical boundary by her long-term boyfriend, an act triggered by past trauma. Instead of receiving validation and remorse, the OP is confronted with the boyfriend centering his own hurt feelings regarding her comparison of his actions to a past assault, leading to emotional labor from the OP to comfort him.
Should the OP prioritize validating her severe emotional and physical trauma by maintaining her necessary boundary articulation, or is she obligated to soften her language and actions to protect her partner’s feelings and salvage the four-year relationship, especially given his current withdrawn behavior?
Here’s how people reacted:
HE NEEDS TO BE YEETED INTO THE SAME DUMPSTER AS YOUR EX. They have a lot in common and will get alone well for sure.
Please don’t waste another day of your life with this rapist. He will escalate. He will emotionally abuse you other ways, because he has zero respect for you.
You have nothing in a relationship without respect. You cannot get it back, if it ever existed. Do no waste time out of guilt that you need to try to “fix” Him. Men can’t be fixed by women, that’s not our responsibility, even though many men think it is.
If you don’t have the strength to report him, (though remember it may protect future women even if he’s not convicted, it will help the next girl) it’s okay. You need to leave and pack up while he’s away though, because he’s proven he’s unsafe. Just leave and block him. Or send a breakup text and **BLOCK HIM IMMEDIATELY AFTER** otherwise all you will get is nasty, quilting garbage.
An unsafe person doesn’t deserve an in-person breakup, because rape is violence. It proves he could become violent in other ways in the right situation.
Please, please be safe. I’ve been through too many relationships like this and I had to learn all these things the hard way. Don’t be like me.
I thought I needed to break up in person because “it was the right thing to do” and I almost died. He got tased five times and hit with beanbags. I survived because the police got there quickly and were actually trained for abuse situations. I never thought he’d hurt me. But he did.
Put yourself first! Love yourself! You deserve so much better!
So spontaneous is not in your cards. Possibly never. You need some rules of engagement going forward. Maybe a calendar for time and date and duration.
NTA
Therefore what he did was, in fact, a non consensual penetration – ie a SA.
If it makes him cry, then boo-effing-hoo.
Tell him to go to therapy on your way out the door, but don’t ever forget that his desire for sex was a higher priority than *knowingly* committing a SA.
I can’t see your relationship coming back from that.
1 He’s a bitch & terrified of being reported for sexual assault (in which case, HE’D REALLY become a bitch…in jail)
2 Some part of him actually thought he could slip in (unnoticed? In which case, his dick is tiny…), have his way and be off…?
3 OR somehow interest you in “the activity” once you’ve been awakened?
The crying thing is a manipulation tactic to make you think theyre too remorseful to be a r4pist
Had an ex do it and a friend
It really fckin eats you up but you did nohing wrong
He doesnt respect you
Leave
You deserve safety
And love
Real love
This is a huge red flag. Staying with him isn’t worth it. If you let him get away with this (you apologizing instead of him), then he is going to escalate his attempts in the future.
Run.
And you seriously think you might be TA here? The only way you could be TA here, is if you stayed with this bastard
“I **know** you are because it’s **exactly** what you did”
NTA and you need to seriously rethink this relationship. Your BF thinks it’s to rape you. You *feel* violated because you *were* violated.
He is sexually assaulting you. Then denying what he did was sexual assault. Then he is attacking you for bringing it up and effectively reversing who was the attacker and who was the victim.
Look up DARVO. This is what he is doing to you.
Do not stay with him. You’re NTA, but if you don’t end it you will be.
And why are you asking if you’re the asshole?
“My boyfriend tried to fuck me while I was asleep, am I the asshole?”
No. You’re NTA. Duh.
if it was me id be straight to the police and dump his ass
How could you ever fall asleep next to this man again?
You WERE violated. You were asleep therefore unable to consent. Frankly you need to dump him IMMEDIATELY